Merry Little

Well, we had ourselves a merry little Christmas and Game Night the following evening, and then I promptly became sick again. I almost went to the doctor--yes, that's how bad it was! My throat was hurting so much last night and I could feel something funky happening in my nasal passages. Jo was wonderful, fetching this and that from the drug store. I feel better today and have slept a lot, but I'm just so annoyed! I'm usually such a healthy person. It must be all that kissing I've done lately! That will simply have to stop. I have a strange feeling I won't be hearing anything much from J anymore anyway. I have this hunch that he's exploring other options, and you know what? I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with someone whom I'm always doubting. That's madness. So, anyway, I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for not hearing from him again much.

Back to the holidays. Well, I didn't get a single card out due to my illnesses and I've gained about 7 pounds sitting around pigging out and not being able to exercise. Argh! Worst case scenario! I spent Christmas Eve baking and so couldn't get up early on Christmas to do anything I'd wanted to (i.e., make more things to eat), so we lazed around and got over to Mom's rather late. That was ok because they don't eat until late and there's never much to do. I didn't want to talk to my brother-in-law unless I absolutely had to, and since he and the boys were staying there, he was hanging around. It was a pretty lack-luster Christmas. It just seemed to be all about the presents since so many people eat at their own homes. What a pity. The games night seemed to be more about eating than playing games! Again, I didn't want to play any game where my brother-in-law was playing and I kind of had Mary to attend to. I made hummus and everyone really liked it, which surprised me. I didn't think they'd be so open-minded about a new food. Cool! I even got asked for the recipe--very complementary.

I've been getting into doing crosswords on the internet. It's a way to engage my brain and there are some that show you with a red letter that it's the wrong one, so it's actually easier to do! I need the help, believe me! It's very interesting to do them with Jo because it's apparent how our brains work differently. She amazes me with some of the ones she knows as well as some of the ones she doesn't. I would have enjoyed doing one with J to see how his brain works, especially since he's supposed to be such a genius at them. Oh, well, get over it! It is what it is, as Jo says.

I need to finish the baby afghan for my niece! I only have a few more blocks to do, but I just can't get motivated. I really wanted to have it for Christmas. A few years ago I gave a knitting kit to one of my nieces and she asked me this year to show her how to do it. She said it was very uncomfortable, but she seemed to pick it up really well. It's interesting to show someone how to do something that seems like second-nature to yourself and see how complicated it actually is and to have to slow down and analyze what you're doing. I can see how it's so difficult to learn to cook from a really good natural cook.

Mary seems to get especially needy and poopy when I get sick. I was glad that she went to bed early, ca. 9:45. She wasn't paying much attention to the television. She moans almost constantly now. I just block it out most of the time.

She was so thrilled with her gifts from Santa and was worried that she didn't give him anything and wondered why she got so much. (I got her a lot of warmer pajamas since she's also cold in the summer.) Jo and I told her she must have been a very good girl this year!

My brother-in-law stopped by with the boys on their way back to St L. The boys seem exactly like they did a year ago, like we'd just seen each other last month or so. I've got to write them regularly and send them some care packages. It kills me that Erik didn't even get a cake on his birthday. J has named me the Kuchenfee, or Cake Fairy. That's funny--I wonder if he knows that cupcakes are called Fairy Cakes in British English? I'll have to tell him :-) Or not.

I need to write more often if I'm going to carry on like this. The things I need to do seem to be piling up again. That's what happens when you're sick. I feel like such a wimp. If I had a regular job, I'd have to go to work every day. Listen to me! As if I don't work every day! That just shows you how much I don't even appreciate myself for what I do, doesn't it? On that note, I'm going to grab one of my German papers that really are piling up and go to bed to read a bit.

Visiting Cookie Baker

I'm sick again--blah! Yucky cough. Putting Vicks vapor rub on the soles of your feet really does help, though.

Jo's 12-year-old niece came over today and they baked cookies. I was sorry that I felt so horrible and didn't make her very welcome, I'm afraid. Jo says she had a good time. She's very sweet--and incredibly tall!

There was the funniest episode when I finished feeding the dogs the cheerios (treat recommended by the vet) and decided to read do the "knock knock" joke on the back of the box with Mary. The joke went like this:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
Oh, I didn't know you could yodel!
Well, we couldn't get past the "knock, knock" part because Mary just kept repeating "knock, knock" to me or asking what she was supposed to say. We finally jumped to the "a little old lady" part. Her response was, "well, I am an old lady!" I don't think she ever got that I was trying to do a joke with her! We were all rolling, of course, and Mary was just getting more and more frustrated. I tried switching to another "knock, knock" joke but she couldn't understand what I was saying and so I finally gave up.

It's very late and she still up. We stayed up till 2 in the morning yesterday watching a Bill Cosby special. Mary really enjoyed it, and we enjoyed her laughing. I've been joking that I have her in training for Christmas and New Year's Eve ;-)

Moany Mary

Even though she spent the whole time in a wheelchair, the shopping day must have worn Mary out pretty well because she slept till 2:30 in the afternoon the next day!

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I have been trying to write this entry for days now! I don't know where this week went. Mary moaned through most of it--nearly driving me to the edge. Jo gets a good laugh out of us because I'll say, "Mary, cut it out!" and she'll answer, "Shut up?" and I'll say, "Yes!" She'll be quiet for half a minute and then start in with the moaning again. She's so good-natured about it, but that doesn't make it any better. Sometimes I tell her she's driving me crazy and she says she can't help it. However, as funny or annoying as it can be, it is often a sign that something is wrong, so it worries me. Moaning during the day or night could mean that she has to use the potty, but it may also mean that she doesn't feel well. I think sometimes she can't explain what's wrong or maybe isn't even fully aware that something is wrong.

I went out with J again on Monday evening and I think it's safe to say that we both like each other a lot. He wrote me a very sweet email a couple of days later and I responded very seriously--trying to follow Dr R's advice about telling him what I want--and I think I may have scared him off. Only time will tell I guess. It's funny to be in love at an older age. Rather nice. I still have the butterflies but I can enjoy them more. I don't know if it's just that I have more self-confidence or that I have a better perspective (ie, more patience and maturity).

We stopped in to see my brother who was sick and I think I've caught what he had. I'm so mad! I was just getting over the other cold and now I've got a sore throat and feel yucky again. I slept a lot today and have been doing sinus irrigation, Airborne, peppermint oil under the nose, lots of fluids, eating lots of garlic and jalapeños, Mucinex... anything I can think of, obviously! I want to get over this and get on with my life finally!

I went to a podiatrist on Thursday since my hips are still hurting, to see if he could help me. I'm going to see about getting orthodics and see if it helps my hips. Maybe there's something about how I'm walking that's irritating them. My lower back seems to be doing better since I'm not lifting Mary. Or maybe it was Dr D's orthopedic adjustment the other day. In any case, he said he'd work on me again if the problem wasn't fixed with that one treatment, so I definitely intend to take him up on his offer! I just can't believe that the pain I'm feeling is arthritis. I think it would be different. But, then, the fact that I also have the pain in my hands does make it seem suspiciously like arthritis--which does run in the family.

Mary is getting better every day and I'm so relieved! How nice that she can hold her cup of water to take her pills without spilling it and without a straw (to insure that she drinks faster--it really does work, especially with those big fat McDonald's straws), or that I don't have to put her coffee in the travel mug--although she did spill her coffee all over my portable CD player the other day and now it doesn't work anymore. What a pity! It was so great to be able to have her listen to Christmas music on the radio all day. Maybe I can run out and get one tomorrow. It's wonderful, too, that she can walk around more. I don't have to push her everywhere. I've changed my tactic on getting her to not shake. I've been telling her that her shaking comes from tension and being scared, so she needs to take deep, relaxing breaths to stay calm. It seems to be working very well--yeah! She's also back to eating better. It really warms my heart to see her devour my Springerle :-)

Shop til You Drop

...unless you are in a wheelchair! We spent about six hours shopping today. That's pretty spectacular for me, considering I hate to shop (excluding groceries, although that thrill is also finally waning). I wanted to get Mary some warmer pajamas and nighties with long sleeves (which are so much easier for me to deal with). I also got her some really cute warm tops (one with Tigger on it!), corduroy pants and slippers that she can wear year-round (since she can't wear normal shoes due to her deformed feet and poor leg circulation). I also want to get her some large post-like earrings (like the ones you get when your ears are initially pierced). Her left ear hole is extra large--I think it got ripped when the ladies were taking care of her while I was at UK. She adores earrings but they all threaten to slip right through the hole. Mom got rather impatient when I started looking at the earrings, saying that Mary wouldn't even know she had them on, as she couldn't see them, so it was ridiculous to get them for her, but I disagree. I think it would be important enough to her that she should have them. Jo has promised to get them for me since she knows what I want. She enjoys shopping, so I'm glad she'll do it. I just get depressed seeing all of the material things that someone has to buy. They'll just wear out and be thrown away some day. And there's the whole wanting-business, which seems so unholy--the product of my taking my Catholic education too serious.

I got myself some underwear and jeans. I've spent quite a bit on stuff from Germany, so I don't deserve anything else. I almost got some gloves and a knit cap I didn't need but luckily came to my senses in time. Mom and Jo got various clothing items. We put it all on my Kohl's card because I got an extra 15% off. Oh, I also got a $50 gift certificate for spending so much money (argh!)--so Jo can use that to get Mary's earrings!

We went over to the mall and all got hot dogs. I haven't enjoyed food like that in a long time! We were all starved. Mary really dug into her dog with sauerkraut! Mom even got to have a beer. Then we looked in the Disney shop and had a cup of coffee at Starbucks, so we could sit and look at the huge tree and all the adorable little kids. This last bit has kind of become a tradition for Mary and me. It's such an interesting cultural experience to see all the people and how they're dressed--as well as what is for sale.

Well, I'm so glad all that shopping is finished! Jo promised she'd help me with the wrapping. It will be so fun to see Mary open everything and be so surprised :-)

PS--J came and fixed the chairs yesterday and then took the dogs for a walk with me around the pond down the street (a hidden jewel in this subdivision). He asked me if I want to go to a cafe on Monday night--my brother Fred has some photos exhibited there this month. Jo keeps reading me my horoscope which keeps saying not to get involved too fast with a person I'm interested in!

St Nick

St Nick came! How exciting! I'm curious to see how Mary reacts to the candy cane pop-rocks :-) St Nick also brought her a chocolate Santa in a sleigh with chocolate reindeer--she'll love that!

I've asked the young man I like so much to repair some kitchen chairs for us. I'm going to try to just be friends with him. I'm sure I'll get over my crush, as will he, with time. He came over to dinner the other night and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. We ate at the dining room table. Yes, I actually managed to clear it off! When he was getting ready to leave, Mary asked J if he knew any of her brothers. He said he knew Fred and she said, "Well, you know one of them, then." Why would she think Fred was one of her brothers? Or did she just not want to admit that she was confused by his answer? She'd had half a glass of wine (a mix of Cabernet Sauvignon and Manneschwitz' Elderberry wine) and was rather confused all evening. Having a guy there and eating in a different room may have also thrown her off.

Belated Thanksgiving

Mary and I went over to Mom's today and Fred joined us, too, for a belated Thanksgiving. Mom and I had a hard time getting our act together. It didn't get any better when Mom opened the bottle of wine I'd brought! I drank too much of it and ended up with a headache--argh! Alcohol and I just don't mix.

Jo did a very interesting therapy on my last night called Cranialsacral Therapy. Afterwards my tailbone (ie, sacral) area felt so much better! But today my hips hurt me a lot. I'll be so glad when I figure out what's wrong--or at least when it goes away. Unexplainable, fairly constant pain is no fun. You find that you want to talk about it all the time--and no one wants to listen to that. I certainly wouldn't! Anyway, it took me forever to get over to Mom's because of dealing with the pain in my hips. I do find that distraction is a good thing, so it was good to go to Mom's house. I also hate working in Mary's kitchen because the counter is too high and she doesn't have a kitchen table. Someday I will have a kitchen of my own with a good table in it! Isn't that a funny thing to have on your wish list?

Mom mostly took care of the turkey breast. I'd brought an oven bag, so she allowed me to cook it in her convection oven. I was so happy about that. I mean, we spent so much money on it and it had a special setting just to cook a turkey breast! How cool is that? You put in the weight and it figures out the time and temperature. Mom also took care of the stuffing, but I had to help out with the seasonings a bit because she still can't taste properly. I made two Sweet Potato-Butternut Squash Pies, which I never got to taste. Fred said it tasted good. I ended up giving him one of them. Mom thinks I'm crazy but I can't help giving him food. I know he appreciates it. Well, he'd better! I also made a coffee pie--sort of. I knocked the baked crust on the floor as I was reaching for an ingredient for the filling. So we kind of pieced what was left together in a smaller container and I pour some filling in there and some in a pie pan without the crust and baked meringue on both of them. Fred said it tasted wonderful, so I was very pleased about that. It's my own recipe and I'd like to enter it in the State Fair next summer.

Fred mashed the potatoes, which is always his job. I fixed up the coleslaw after Mom sliced the cabbage paper-thin--as only she can do. I put Umi plum vinegar and olive oil on it and Mom kept saying it didn't taste right, but Fred and I thought it was delicious. Mom had made delicious cranberry sauce. I think that was about it. Oh, no, I also made a loaf of "Fastest Yeast Bread" from Mark Bittman's "How to Cook Everything." It rose a bit too much and then sank a bit, but it tasted quite yummy! I couldn't quit eating it, unfortunately. This is all reminding me that I haven't put away the leftovers that Mom sent home with me--and Mary's jingling her bells. Gotta go!

Ad Infinitum

The illnesses and aches and pains continue on. The night before last Mary started getting very panicked and upset. She said she was worried because she was all alone. She kept wanting to call home. This continued during the day. I took a hot bath (pre-heated the tub and used some of Jo's essential oils--heavenly!) and then laid down in my bed. Jo and her daughter were kindly feeding Mary dinner and taking care of her, but I think my absence didn't help matters as Mary was more upset than ever when I got up. I sat with her in her chair for a while (great for my back--not!) and tried to draw her attention to the TV as much as possible.

She was worried about money. It's funny but that's really the last thing she should worry about! I'm worried about her becoming incapacitated and me having to put her in a home and my ending up penniless! I can see Mary living to be 110 and just being a vegetable. I know the mental health nurse told me several years ago that I should just agree with her, but I feel compelled to tell Mary the truth. She can't phone her mother because Grandma has been dead 31 years! What do I do if I say she can call and then she wants to talk to Grandma? I think it's better to remind Mary how old she is. I was telling her that she'll be 97 in a couple of months and she said she guessed she didn't have much longer to live. She's said this before. I told her I guessed it was up to her and God. She said it was just up to God. I told her I wasn't sure about that. I mean, people can give up--or they can hold on. Who knows why people die when they do. Maybe it's all just chance.

I did some yoga yesterday. I'd been avoiding it because Jo thought it might be exacerbating my back pain, but her boss had said that if I followed a balanced program then it was alright. I do the Yoga for Stress Relief with Suzanne Deason. It felt so wonderful! It was very interesting because I could really feel where I was tight and sometimes it was unexpected. I really should be doing that every day--and weight lifting to build my strength for lifting Mary. Should, should, should! Who does everything they should do?

Nights Are for Resting?

The night before last Mary started chattering and yakking away when she went to bed and didn't stop till about 8 AM when I put the headphones on her. Last night she started moaning about half-way through the night. Needless to say, I haven't gotten much sleep lately! She slept almost the whole day yesterday and I was so happy! Then she promptly fell asleep last night at about 10 PM! So we just left her in her lazy boy all night. Mary has now sat in her chair for a day and a half now and hasn't used the potty too much--and I'm so relieved. I know that's bad of me--and bad for her, too. But every time I have to get her up, it kills my back, which has never really stopped hurting.

I guess we won't have Thanksgiving this year. That's really going to throw me for a loop!

Her cough doesn't sound much better. I guess it'll just take time.

I made some cookies this evening called Texas Tea Cakes. I've been wanting to make them because they sounded interesting--with buttermilk. I used kefir instead. It's a bit tarter. They're odd--like a combination of sugar cookies and buttermilk biscuits! Mary likes them, but she always loves cookies. It's such a pleasure to give them to her and have her exclaim over them. She was just about to give the dog one! I squawked and she stopped. The dog looked guilty--like he knew he shouldn't have asked for one.

Unthanksgiving

We had the most boring day! Mary watched TV all day--the last hour of the Macy's Parade, the dog show and then one movie after another. She was very attentive. What did I do? Good question! I swept the kitchen floor, talked to Suzanne in Germany, talked to Jo, talked to Mom, took a hot bath, walked the dogs, vacuumed the carpet, fixed dinner, dyed my hair, took a shower to wash it out, exercised on the elliptical machine...I guess that was basically it. Pretty boring, huh? Now I'm putting Mary to bed and don't know what I'll do with myself.

Visits to Healers

Last night was horrible. Mary coughed all night, so neither of us got any sleep. She kept ringing her bells, but when I went in, she said she didn't want anything. She never asked to use the potty, and I was so tired, I was quite relieved. Well, that didn't mean that she didn't have to go! That's the first time I think she's ever really wet the bed like that. I knew I had to get her to the doctor. Her urine stank so bad. Dr R wasn't in but luckily they gave me an appointment with another doctor for a little more than an hour later. I don't know how, but I managed to get Mary to eat something and get dressed and ready and get there only five minutes late. We had to drive my car and it doesn't have the slick seats like hers, so I wasn't able to get her sitting up properly. The poor thing had to ride there and back almost recumbent! My back was killing me so much, it was all I could do to get her in the car at all.

The doctor (who was super cute) was very, very nice. Unfortunately, Mary had some diarrhea when I got her sample from her. It was awful trying to clean her up, let me tell you! They took the sample anyway and said she did have a UTI. The doctor gave me samples of antibiotics and something for her cough, so I didn't have to stop at the pharmacy. Dr R's nurse stopped in to say hi, which I thought was very nice. I've never been especially comfortable around her, so I was surprised. She said her daughter was going to her ex-husband's house, so she was going to spend all day being lazy on the couch with the dog, which she said suited her just fine, but it sounded kind of sad to me. I wonder if she's not from here. Thinking about it now, it makes me realize how difficult it could be for someone who works full-time to meet someone to date, especially if you have a child, but, then, I guess there are always ways if you search for them, like taking the dog for a walk in Cherokee park ;-)

I made it back to the house just in time to meet Bonnie and explain everything and then head over to my massage appointment. (Mary's in there talking to some little girl in her bedroom.) Actually, it was more like body work than a massage. And it was painful! And still is! Denise had said that my body would probably relax in about two hours, but it never did. She also said that hot baths were my best friend. I really wanted to take one tonight, but Mary was very chipper and stayed up till 11:30! I'm supposed to go back next week. I sure hope I feel better tomorrow!

I asked Mom if we could postpone Thanksgiving till Friday since neither Mary nor I feel so well. Luckily, she was agreeable. It's not like we have such set schedules that it really matters.

Man, I feel like someone kicked my butt all over town! Oi! I'm looking forward to baking some pies and rolls tomorrow, so I'd better feel up to it.

Mom was rather depressed today. She said it was the weather. I was depressed because I keep thinking about the guy I liked so much. I'd love to call and offer to bake him a pie or ask him to come over and fix this chair in the kitchen that's broken, but I know that's stupid of me. Not that I can't be friends with him still, but I need to wait a while, I think. I've had several guys "wink" at me on Match.com, but I'm not interested in any of them. I have a list of favorites, but I hate to spend the money to subscribe and I'm too chicken to write to anyone. I always think the guy should make the first move. I think that's how they're hard-wired. My profile has been looked at something like 160 times in the past week. I put in there that I take care of my aunt full-time, so I guess that's scaring the guys off. Oddly enough, I've had several younger guys write. Before they were always too old for my taste.

Well, tomorrow I'm dying my hair, regardless of how I feel!

And Also...

Well, she's gone to bed--yeah! No, really, I'm not so happy when she goes to bed early because I feel so lonely! Yes, I know, poor me. She's in the coughing, doggone it. Now she's telling someone nighty night. It was so funny the other day--she was napping and all of a sudden she started mumbling. Then she said, "Jesus, ah [as in a sigh]." Jo and I just cracked up. I guess you had to be there.

I was just thinking that maybe my back is hurting me so much because I've been pulling her up in her bed. She gets in bed--well, she sits down on the edge and sometimes she can scoot herself back a bit and then I usually lift her legs up onto the bed (I try to wait to see if she can do it herself but I get impatient), but she can't get herself up high enough so that her upper body is at a proper angle when I raise the head of the bed, so I have to pull her up toward the head of the bed. I used to hate doing this and one time even burst out crying because I was so sick and tired myself--I think it was when she had that cyst on her wrist. I've gotten a better attitude about it because it's just a necessary thing, but it's certainly not fun to do. I've tried lowering the railing before she sits down on the edge of the bed, so she'll be higher up, but she needs to hold onto the railing when she scoots herself back. If she doesn't scoot back, then when I put her legs up onto the bed, she's over to close to the edge. As it is, I usually have to try to move her over more anyway--something else that's probably hurting my back. For a long time I didn't worry about her being up so high in the bed, but when she's got a cough or having a lot of chest pain, I think it's imperative that she be sitting up more instead of lying too flat. Why are things so complicated? Well, I've got to figure something out. Hey, maybe I'll take a hot bath since she's gone to bed early! That's just a temporary fix but you've got to start somewhere!

Oh, I wanted to mention an annoying problem. We got down to our last Poise panty, so I switched over to the pads. (It's about 50/50 whether she makes it to the potty in time.) Well, the pad didn't stick to her underwear properly and got stuck to the toilet seat on her port-a-potty. What a mess! How am I ever going to get it off? Just one of those strange nuisances in the life of a caregiver.

Before I go get my bath, I wanted to put in a plug for a product and company that I love: Grandma Jansen's tea from Tea Gschwendner. It's an herbal tea with cinnamon, orange peel, hibiscus and chamomile blossoms, rose hips, and apple pieces. Yum! It just makes you feel all warm and toasty inside--but I make it twice as strong as they recommend. Tea Gschwendner is a German tea company and they make the most amazing blends--lots of herbal and fruit teas. My favorite black tea is the English Westminster blend of Assam, Ceylon, and Java tea. It's not cheap, of course, but this one of the ways I treat myself since I'm not paid any wages, per se.

Divine Intervention

Bonnie got here nice and early today (she's always at least 15 minutes early), but Mary's car wouldn't start. Bonnie called a friend who works on cars and he said it was the starter solenoid. Dad says the mechanic can bring one put it on--the car is parked in the garage. Hm. I can't believe that! There's a nice place just down the street, but I can't see getting the problem fixed till next week, seeing as this is Thanksgiving week. Luckily, I do have my own car. Mom very kindly drove it over--she uses it to take her old Dalmatian to the vet (and the seats are all covered with dog hair--blech). All this meant that I could once again not go to the hairdresser to get my hair dyed! The lady was really nice about my canceling, thank goodness, cause I would have been rather annoyed!

I had to go to the library (to drop off and pick up my usual pile--no joking, ten or fifteen books, CDs, and DVDs on average), so I was discussing it with one of the librarians, Joyce. I love those women, even though I'm sure they think I'm certifiably insane for checking out so much stuff. (No, they know I have no life.) Well, she couldn't believe it when I said I was only 40. Gee, I wonder how old she thought I was! I joked with Mom later that people probably say, "Look at that 50-year-old woman--she acts like she's 40!" or "Goodness, she's got great skin for her age!" So I picked up some hair dye at the drugstore when I got Mary's prescriptions. I decided that God was trying to tell me not to waste the money on the hairdresser--to use it on something more worthwhile like cookbooks or something yummy from Germany ;-) (I opened the box and showed Mary all the contents--she was quite fascinated and played around with them for a while till I started to get anxious that one of the bottles or tubes would come open and so packed it all away.)

While I've been typing this, Mary has been peering at the computer screen. She got a big kick out of seeing her name there! I told her what it was and she thought it was great. I'd been looking at my MySpace page (www.myspace.com/brikl9) and had been showing her the pictures I have on there, which she enjoys immensely.

I'm sure she's got another UTI or maybe something worse, darn it. Her urine really stinks, she's seeing people, and she says she doesn't feel well (although her cold is much, much better). I've got to remember to call the doctor tomorrow--but I bet no one will be there until Monday, and then I'll never get through because so many people will be calling in. Argh! Why do I screw things up like that all the time? I'm such a bad caregiver! I should have called Monday. Speaking of being bad, she says she's tired, so I need to tend to her.

Straightened Out

Don't ask me what I'm doing still up! I thought I'd gotten myself straightened out--ha! I asked Jo to work on me this afternoon, which she kindly did. Then I felt a bit dizzy, which has happened before when someone worked on my lower back, so I sat out on the back porch with Mary and promptly went to sleep--for about 3 hours! Then we moved into the living room where I slept for another 2 hours. I think I have sleeping sickness! I don't think I've ever slept so much in one week before in my life--honestly! So now I'm awake.

I didn't really want to go to sleep because I was feeling lonely. All my life I seem to have been plagued by the feeling of loneliness--like a red thread flowing through my life, connecting it all together. Since I've been living with Mary, I've felt much, much less lonely, but I still have occasional bouts, like now. Maybe it's because Jo is going out of town for a few days. But I think it has more to do with the guy that I was interested in. I liked him--or who I thought he was--so much! I've looked at various websites--dating sites--but can't find anyone I'd really be interested in enough to write to. Plus, there seem to be so many obstacles, ranging from my situation with Mary to my huge family to my horrible propensity to be so picky when it comes to men. Well, after looking at these sites, I feel worse than I felt before. Jo even looked and found a guy I might have considered contacting--then his profile disappeared! It's an omen ;-)

Oh, I guess I don't really care whether I find someone. At least I keep telling myself that. Mary had three husbands and I tease her all the time about how did she manage it and can't she give me any advice, but she says she has no idea. Heck, she mostly doesn't even remember any of her husbands except for Bill! I know the aunts and Mom, even, didn't care for him, but I'd still like to have met him. He must have been a character, a force to be reckoned with. And the fact that he chose Mary... I bet she was a character, herself. I wish I could see her standing there at that soda fountain counter at Woolworth's. What did she look like when Bill first met her? Did she flirt with him? I know he wouldn't let anyone else wait on him. Oh, here I go, living vicariously. It's surprising that I don't write romance novels!

Well, I've gotten a headache from staring at the computer screen. Bonnie called today to see if I wanted her to come this week--her way of letting me know that she really doesn't want to come. I really need her to, though, because I have my appointment to get my hair dyed tomorrow (it was postponed) and we've got our last CSA pick-up--boo hoo! (We haven't decided whether we're going to do it again next year. I'd like to, but it's expensive.) Then I need Bonnie to come on Wednesday because Jo has very graciously arranged for her boss to work on my pressure points on my lower back--I'm nervous but excited, too. I met this lady once and found her a bit intimidating, but Jo adores her and thinks the world of her abilities.

I made Beef Barley soup this evening--for tomorrow. Mary loves Barley Soup. At least she used to love it. She often doesn't remember her likes and dislikes anymore--except she doesn't forget how much she loves cantaloupe and how much she hates watermelon :-) I never make Barley Soup, but I love it, too. I think it will be delicious. I love throwing things into soup and not knowing how it's going to turn out--maybe it makes me feel a bit like a witch! Yes, I think that's it! Well, Jo is very appreciative of my cooking and I always thought she was quite a good cook herself, so I think I must not be too bad. That's nice--to be good at something you enjoy doing. I think that's something I really long for--to be very good at something that I do naturally. I guess that comes from thinking I was good at singing and then studying it for 12 years and ending up feeling like I was no good--not in the eyes of the people who "counted."

Well, I've just been chatty Kathy, haven't I? Now to bed with my headache--and the dogs.

Early Bird and Other Birds

I know a lot of people would scoff if I said I felt like an early bird because I got up at 7:30--not that my brain is awake yet, even though I've been up for an hour and already had a cup of tea and even tidied up the kitchen, as well as put Mary on the potty, given her morning pills to her and put her back to bed (the last three of which are a given). I'm so relieved to wake up (and get up) early! I was wondering, after sleeping till 5 PM yesterday (thank goodness for Jo) after staying up till 4 AM and then staying up till 2:30 AM last night (and not actually getting to sleep till who knows when), if and how I'd ever get back to a normal schedule. I guess the body straightens itself out.

One reason I couldn't sleep last night was that my lower back and hips have been hurting so much. I did Feldenkrais exercises last night but they only help so much. I lay in bed and massaged all over wherever it hurt. I can't say I feel better today, but I felt like I was doing something good just by trying to do something. I get so worried about permanently damaging my back with lifting Mary, but what can I do? I have to lift her. I suppose some people would say that I should have kept her in better condition by doing exercises with her, and I guess they'd be at least partially right. However, I can't cry over spilt milk and just have to deal with things as they are, and as they are is that my lower back is killing me and I'm already taking a rather strong pain pill every day for the pain in my hips and hands. I'm willing to "pay" for taking care of Mary by not having a social life, job or home when she passes away, but I've got to have my health relatively intact. (I wish Jo would work on me more, but I have to learn to ask her--not easy for me! Also, she can only temporarily fix things as I'd be constantly undoing the fixes.)

Will there come a time when I won't be able to take care of her? She said sometime last night when I put her on the potty that she wasn't going to be around much longer. Sometimes I kind of feel like, "Promises, promises!" Isn't that wicked of me? I just tell her that I don't want her to go but she is 96 and that's longer than a lot of people live to be. It just struck me that it's rather selfish of her to not think of the imposition she's making on my life. I mean, she says she's thankful and wonders what she'd do without me, but she doesn't really care about what it means to my life. I guess that's a lot to ask of someone her age. How many people could really be that selfless, anyway?

I'm sitting out on the back porch. I had the windows redone so that they're insulated and it's been so nice. It makes a world of difference in the temperature and it looks so much better, as it's all white and there's more glass in the door. Also, we can open the windows, which I absolutely love, especially when it rains. The view is of a sort of little woods going up a small hill. I guess that's why they call this "Bella Vista" subdivision. It is a nice view. Now it's all red and orange. There are two huge oak trees in the neighboring yard and Mary comments on them all the time--how big they are and how she hopes they don't ever fall on the house (they do lean this way). We have a good variety of birds due to the woods and those big trees. Right now there are chickadees and a nuthatch out there. We especially love the downy and red-bellied woodpeckers. OK, if I'm digressing into a nature-logue then I'd better go!

Getting Back to Abnormal

Mary and I just lazed around and slept all day. Well, at least, I did, and I'm hoping/guessing that's what Mary did! Jo was gone to her sisters when we got up around noon. Why is it that you can't sleep at night when you feel like crap but come daylight and you zonk out? Is it just the darkness that makes the symptoms worse?

Mary seems to have a less-productive cough now, so that is a relief. When we practiced with her breathing toy from the hospital (to help keep the patient from getting pneumonia), she did so much better today. Really, she did as well as she ever did. I put Wicks on the soles of her feet again--I read in an email that it helped keep you from coughing. No harm in trying :-)

Yesterday I ate like a pig and today I hardly ate anything. Jo went out last night at around 11 PM and got hamburgers for herself and me because I said I was hungry for one! It tasted so good! Otherwise I mostly pigged out on the Sweet Potato-Butternut Squash Pie I'd made on Thursday night. That's all Mary and I have had to eat today--two pieces each! It tastes so good and I figure it probably has some good stuff in it--fiber and minerals and vitamins. I'm trying to get Mary to drink more fluids, but it's hard. It's a two-edged sword kind of thing, anyway, because she needs to pee more, but then I have to put her on the potty, which is killing my lower back.

Speaking of which, I laid down a couple of hours ago and did Feldenkrais exercises for about an hour. It hurt like hell, which is a signal to me that I need to do them more often. I'm not taking proper care of my body. Every time I do them, I'm filled with the urge to teach someone about it, but I'm the only person crazy enough (ie, anal enough and with enough patience) to do them. (Mary has jut pulled the straw out of the travel mug I sometimes give her hot drinks to her in and she can't figure out how to get it back in the slot :-) She's so cute! She's saying, "Hm...hm...," as in, "Hm, how does this puzzle piece fit?" She finally gave up. Oh, at least she hasn't been moaning the last few days. She must feel better because she's moaning now. And wheezing--that's bad.)

After the Feldenkrais exercises, when I finally managed to get back up off the floor, I felt so much better! My head is clearer and I generally feel more normal. I vacuumed the floor then cause it was a sight with Bella's hair all over it. Funny how it makes you feel so much better when things are cleaner.

Well, we really should eat something else today, so I guess I'll make up some chicken broth (Savory Choice--delicious!) and heat a few biscuits.

What Goes Around

Well, I woke up this morning with a sore throat, stuffed up nose, etc. Promptly went back to sleep! Mary's wheezing and coughing a lot but seems to feel quite chipper--ugh! Luckily, Jo only works a half-day on Fridays, so she's home helping me. It's so nice to have someone else here!

The plumber came to fix a leaking, what did he call it? Spincock or something--the thing that the water hose attaches to. Also, we had another leak in our gas meter. What is that, the third time they've fixed a gas leak this year? The bill wasn't nearly as much as I expected, so that was good. Mom had them over earlier this week and paid quite a bit more.

Well, my head feels full of fiberglass, so I'll cut this short and spare you any more gory details of our little piece of reality.

Phoenix

Jo said Mary was a phoenix--she's so much better today. All night she had chest pain, about every 2 hours. I'd give her a nitro and hold her and stroke her for a few minutes and then she'd lie down again. We slept till about 2 PM! Mary got up and had a cup of tea and piece of toast and her pills and then went back to bed for a few hours. She keeps telling the dog that she was away but now she's back. Jo and I just looked at each other with raised eyebrows. Rudi's laying on Mary's lap--I'm so happy he does that. It's so good for her.

Jo's looking at Youtube videos of cats with Mary. I'm glad she's into entertaining Mary. Sometimes she'll look at a magazine or cookbook with her. I guess I don't have that sort of patience. I'm also not too into Youtube.

Angie called while Mary was in bed. So she's still alive! She even sounded very good. She's spending the nights and weekends with one of her daughters. I'm glad they got things figured out, but I imagine Angie's not too happy. Her daughter and son-in-law smoke and they keep the house very cold. But if it's just for the nights and weekends...I guess she can handle it. She said she still hasn't learned to keep her big fat mouth shut. She'll say something like, "What took you so long?" and they'll get mad and ask, "Why'd you say something like that, Mother?" I've never understood people who call their mom "Mother," anyway. How formal! Angie said she guessed she ought to just keep her thoughts to herself and I guess I agree. Mom says Angie just has a different sense of humor, but isn't there always a grain of truth in every joke?

Helpless

Mary really isn't doing well and I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. I think Jo feels the same, but I don't know what to tell her. I tend to get defensive and over-protective.

Mary's been sleeping most of the day. I got he to eat half a piece of toast, drink half a cup of tea and to take her medicine. When she talks it's rather incoherent unless she really wakes up. She said she wonders what's wrong with her. I think it's just all the lack of sleep finally catching up, plus not being well. She has had a few spells of sweating and getting overheated but mostly she doesn't feel like she's got a fever. She hasn't coughed as much since I gave her the Coricidan. When she complains of pain, I think it's actually often her shoulder that she means.

She had to use the potty and that went pretty well except when I had to wipe her (because she'd had a bm), and she couldn't really stand. I kind of propped her up with one hand and wiped with the other, getting it on myself a bit, which was gross, but I was mostly relieved to be able to do it at all. I've often wondered what I'd do if she couldn't stand for me to wipe her. What will I do if I can't take care of her? I do so hope she doesn't linger if I can't care for her!

Are You Dying or is This Just a Little Spell?

I came out to sit in the living room since I wasn't getting any sleep listening for Mary's moans. She's had chest pain on and off all night. I pigged out on candy I'd made last night (a new type of bourbon ball I'm working on) and made myself a cup of tea and got all cozy with the baby monitor on, when the moaning started in earnest.

After going in and giving her nitro once or twice, I decided to bring her out here. When I give her nitro, she usually wants to sit up. I hold her with her head on my chest. It's hard not to rock her, but she finds that annoying, so I restrain myself. I stroke her head and she doesn't seem to mind. I also hold her hand or hands. They're usually cold and mine warm. Eventually she seems to be falling back asleep, so I'll help her lie back down.

After I got her in the living room and got her all set up--music, pillow under feet, blanket, cough drop (she's developed a nasty cough)--she started moaning again and kicking everything off. She said she had a bad pain under her arm. Then I noticed she was sweating. She said she was going to throw up. Should I call 911 or not? I hate having to make that decision. I thought I should wait and see and the spell did eventually pass. I blew on her and she said it felt good. It's so hard to know what to do at all because you don't want to annoy the person; you want to bring relief, but your idea of what's comforting may not be the same as theirs.

I went ahead and gave her the isosorbide pill that she usually gets after breakfast. Some of the other pills require food and she doesn't feel like eating yet. The isosorbide is a slow-release nitroglycerin. It does seem to be helping. About half an hour later I gave her a Coricidan, which is a cough and cold pill for people with high blood pressure. The Mucinex (expectorant) didn't seem to ever help. She seems to be sleeping now although she's still making a lot of noises and coughing occasionally.

She never catches a cold. I'm always the one who gets sick. Jo asked if I'd be taking her in to see Dr R, but I said no, if I took her anywhere it would be the ER. I think Jo's worried, but I'm not. I guess I've gotten complacent. Or I'm just tired. Sometimes at night I can hardly hold my eyes open as I'm holding her in my arms while she has chest pain. I feel so unemotional, just the physical desire to close my eyes, and I wonder if I'm a beast to be so unfeeling when Mary could be dying. I wonder sometimes how it's going to happen. How will I react? Will I just want to go back to bed and deal with it later or will I be freaking out? Will she die at home or in the hospital or in the ambulance on the way there? I've thought about it and I'd rather have her die at home and wonder if I should have called 911 than to have her die in an ambulance or the hospital and know that I should have just kept her at home. I know Mary wouldn't agree, but at her age I think it's rather silly to get too uptight about her dying. That doesn't mean I won't be miserable missing her when she's gone, just that I'm trying to be rational about the matter.

She's still sleeping. Her tiredness from the night before is probably catching up with her. Bonnie was supposed to come today but I may tell her not to. If Mary doesn't feel well, I don't want to go out. I don't really have anything to do today anyway. We don't really need any groceries. It would be good to save the money.

We were supposed to go to the Thanksgiving lunch at my great-nephew's pre-school tomorrow, but I'm going to see about someone else going. I can't take Mary if she's got a cold. We thought she'd enjoy seeing all the little kids.

Poor Me

It occurred to me sometime during the night when I wasn't sleeping that I said like a self-pitying martyr in this blog. Do I really feel so sorry for myself? I hope not. Well, no more than most people feel sorry for themselves because I'm sure we all do on some level. Actually, I have a wonderful life in a lot of ways. I get to make my own schedule and do whatever I want (as long as I don't leave the house) most of the time. I just wanted to go on the record as saying that I know I've got a cushy life in a lot of aspects and don't mean to snivel all the time about how rotten it is.

Repetition is the Mother of Insanity

Sometimes I think I'm just going to lose it from having to repeat myself so much.

• Take your brakes off.
• Put your brakes on.
• Put your arms out straight. (for pulling off tops so I don't pull her head off)
• This is a big pill so throw your head back to swallow.
• Breathe.
• I know you can stand up a little straighter.
• His name is Rudi.
• Let go. (of the railing, so I can straighten her out in bed)
• Bend one leg and push. (so I can pull her up to the head of the bed more)
• You swish and I'll hold this [her spit bowl].
• That's too hot [coffee], so you'll have to wait a bit.
• Are you warm enough?
• Is that loud enough?
• Drink your juice--it has medicine in it.
• You can have your coffee after you drink that water.
• I've got to give you some pills...[They're for] your heart/your heart and your stomach/your mind, your circulation and your digestion/this, that and the other thing.
• Yes, I already fed them.
• This is your house. You bought it 11 years ago.
• No, I don't see anything.
• It's from Gina. Yes, she died in February. Cancer.
• Do you want me to heat that [coffee or bean bag] up for you?
• It's arthritis.
• Do you want to listen to some music?
• Today's shower day. Leave the walker over there. That's for your face, neck and ears/arms...
• Are you alright?
• Cut it out, Mary./That's enough of the moaning./Mary, please stop it.
• Is it your chest? Take a swig [of Mylanta]. Under your tongue [nitroglycerin].
• I made it. Thank you.
• You're welcome.
• We've got two dogs and a cat.
• She's at work. She's my sister-in-law. She sleeps in the basement.
  

It's no wonder I'm glad Jo is here. Otherwise, I'd rarely have anything other than the above phrases to say.

Playing with Bad Karma

I sometimes wonder how I'm going to pay for what I'm doing here, taking care of Mary and isolating myself for...how many years? I'll be homeless and jobless when she dies, although hopefully not penniless. I'll also be still single with only the few friends I could manage to hang onto by emailing (since I'm not much good at phoning). Not many friends here in L--except for family, not that they aren't friends.

As for the being single, that seems to be my fate regardless. I always joke that I have bad (sexual) karma because I was a nun in my last life. Mom says a lot of Kleins never got married, that it's in my genes, so to say.

This last guy that I went out with a few times...I'd really hoped it would mean something. He's a friend of my brothers, which sounds so safe, doesn't it? In this case it means the opposite. I should have known better--because he is a friend of my brothers. I admit, the Bohemian aspect of him (ie, an innate characteristic of my brother and his friends) was partly what attracted me. Who wants the quotidian? This guy is also good-looking, but that doesn't sway me much. I'm finding out from talking with Jo that I only find .1% of men good-looking enough to like. I mean, I can recognize handsome, but that doesn't mean I feel attracted to it. No wonder I'm still single! Mom's right--I am too picky. Anyway, this guy is handsome in a way that I find attractive, but even that wasn't enough.

It started with his smell. That's always a clincher (or declincher) for me. Then it seemed as if everything I found out about him (almost everything--I'll be honest because I did see him smoking once--and I am a self-admitted Nazi, right-wing conservative non-smoker) could have been put on a check-list for my perfect guy: good sense of humor, intelligent, artistic, into poetry, likes foreign films, into interesting music (even classical), likes food and cookbooks, enjoys gardening, likes dogs and cats (there's something about a guy who likes cats), likes plays/theater, lived abroad, speaks some French and German, not afraid to be silly, just the right height... so of course I started to fall for him. Jo has been great about staying with Mary so I could go out--and it was so nice to get out! I felt like a human being again.

I started thinking that if this guy didn't kiss me soon, I'd explode. That's where I went wrong. He didn't seem to make any moves. Jo and I decided that he must be waiting for me to make the first move so that later, if things went wrong, he could be guilt-free since he didn't technically start anything. Bonnie agreed that many men don't want to make the first move. I'd never encountered that before. In fact, I've had more experience with trying to avoid their first moves. At any rate, I did make the first move and kissed this guy--just after he'd, in very confused babble, told me that he was seeing another woman--at which, admittedly, my brain had frozen inside my head. He seemed to chide me by saying that we were out in the public too much, so I'd said good night, feeling embarrassed on two counts--kissing him after he said he wasn't free (I've had affairs with two men who weren't free and swore I wouldn't do it again) and trying to kiss him so intensely in public (I never can stop at just one kiss).

I got a very nice email the next day letting me know that he did like me, so everything was kosher, but then I talked to my brother and everything went sour. It turns out that this guy is a major player, although he doesn't seem to really know it. Why didn't my brother tell me before?! I guess he thought I'd be mad at him for interfering. I'd rather have known, so I would have taken it all with a grain of salt and not let myself get sucked in. Now instead of being left with sweet memories, I'm left with acrid ones, tainted with the knowledge that the actions were perhaps premeditated and intended for effect, not ingenuous as I'd supposed.

Jo says I shouldn't but I do feel like a fool. Perhaps this guy looked at me as an easy catch, easy prey. On some level he must have felt sorry for me--a woman who has been so long isolated that she is desperate. I almost was, that's true. Will other men look at me the same way? I've so often thought of trying to find someone to go out with, but I wasn't able to get away. Now that Jo is here, it's possible. She may stay indefinitely and that would make it even more possible, but what man would want that? What man would understand my situation? I should be an attractive catch--someone so caring and loyal. Yes, I seem to be attractive to men in their 50's who want a younger woman who can cook and take care of them. Actually, this experience could really damage my self-confidence. Put it together with the last advance made toward me and I could become a real basket case. But I refuse to do so. I'll try not to become a bitter older woman, but I will strive to be one who is strong and appreciates herself.

I told the guy I just wanted to be friends as that was all my situation afforded so I couldn't see him anymore--I wanted more than was good for me, too, because he wasn't even free. I tried to bow out gracefully. I do so hate confrontation, but perhaps I should have thrown the truth in his face. I liked him too much; that was the whole problem. I still like him because the picture I got of him doesn't coincide with the picture my brother gave to me. I want to delude myself that my brother, who has known this man for about 23 years, was wrong. Well, as my brother said, he is a really nice guy, he's just a womanizer--not a problem if you're not interested in dating him.

Check

Massive case of diarrhea--check. I just grab my ponytail holder, rubber gloves and dark washcloth and go to it. Sometimes I think the stench will knock me over. I guess every parent feels that way at some point or other!

She gets so embarrassed. I guess I would, too. I just tell her it happens to the best of us--obviously, since it happened to her. She just says, "Uh-huh," not getting my joke.

At least I got a couple hours sleep before I had to deal with it. She got really feisty around 7 AM. She wanted to get up and this was her house and she was going to do what she wanted to do! I could barely see straight, let me tell you! I ended up getting her newspaper and putting her music back on that had fallen off and she was pretty much happy as a lark. Strange woman.

Of Course

Of course, her moaning became more intense until I finally realized something was wrong. She started kicking off her cover and wanting to sit up. She was feeling warm to the touch and said her chest was hurting her and she wanted to get up. She always wants to get up when her chest is hurting, which doesn't make any sense to me. I guess she just wants to move. I ran and got her nitroglycerin. There were only two pills left. They seem to help. I think I've got three more in my purse, but I hate to use them. I ordered more yesterday but the refills were out, so we have to wait till they've contacted the doctor. That can take several days. What a pain. Literally, ha, ha!

I've got her lying back with her blanket on again and the light out, but she's been complaining that her upper back on her left side is hurting. This could be the arthritis in her shoulder. Or is it her heart? I put some arnica gel on it. Usually putting a cream on it makes her feel better immediately, but she kept moaning. I put her bean bag behind it and she said that helped even though it didn't feel hot enough to me. She still kept moaning, so I asked if she wanted to listen to some music. Often this will calm her down and help her sleep. She was agreeable, so I got my CD player and put her Ernie Tennessee Ford CD on for her. She's still moaning and "Dear God"-ing, but she says there's nothing I can do for her whenever I ask. Ah, ha--a slight snore! Hallelujah! Thank you, Dear God! Earlier when I asked, she said, "You don't know where my pain is, do you?" She'd never answered that, so I knew something was wrong for sure. Well, I hope she rests now. She'll probably have diarrhea when she wakes up (the doctors don't know why this happens, but it always seems to follow a night of chest pain) and then she'll sleep the rest of the day. (I gave her half an Immodium the other day and then there was nothing for several days, which is just as bad as too much. If she doesn't have a bm for several days and then has a hard time having one, it seems to be very hard on her heart and system in general. Several times I've thought she was a goner. Mom says a lot of people die on the toilet. What an awful way to go!)

Insane

She is driving me insane! I have gotten virtually no sleep yet tonight! She can't breathe; her nose is stopped up, and she has no grasp of what time it is or the fact that she is keeping me from sleeping! I don't know what to do for her! I gave her a Mucinex and I've put peppermint oil under her nose all night long and even given her an Airborne. These are all the natural things I know to do for her. I can't give her a decongestant because of her high blood pressure. Now I've got her sitting up in the living room with a hot toddy--hopefully it will make her go to sleep, whether she can breathe or not. She's drinking it, although she said she didn't like it--I put a lot of honey in it since she likes that so much. I'm so afraid of doing something wrong and killing her. That sounds silly but just put yourself in my place and you'd feel the same, I'm sure.

She keeps making those moaning-esque noises and it's driving me crazy! Usually I tell her to quit and she stops, but she's ignoring me. She does it to amuse herself or because she doesn't realize she's doing it. But it drives me up a wall!

Good, she seems to have stopped.

No, there she goes again. I feel like such a bitch quasi-yelling at her to stop, but it makes me want to pull my hair out--especially at 4 AM.

I got her up to use the potty and then put her in here in the living room and got her settled in her chair with her hot toddy--feet up on a pillow, blanket over her, hot bean bag on her shoulder. Then she says she has to use the potty! I about flipped! So I went and got it and put it next to her chair for her to use in here. I didn't want to risk getting her to the toilet after she'd drunk some hot bourbon, you know? Sure enough, she did pee--about a thimble-full. I'll just keep it in the next room in case she has to go again.

Good--she seems to be going to sleep. But what about me? I'm wrecked! Am I a selfish beast? I feel like one. It's not like I have to get up and go to a job site tomorrow. I guess it's just that I haven't been sleeping well lately and was really hoping I'd get some sleep tonight. I was already awake till about 1:30 or 2 reading and then still couldn't sleep. She kept calling me in to tell me she couldn't breathe. I feel so sorry for her but also pissed off because there's nothing I can do for her and she's like a baby that doesn't understand and expects me to fix her.

Well, I'm going to make sure she's finished her drink and then maybe I can turn the light out and lay back down on the couch and get some sleep. I went for a walk with Bella this afternoon in Cherokee Park and made sure I only had one cup of tea (I don't drink much coffee in the fall or winter.), but it doesn't seem to have done much good in fighting my insomnia. Oddly enough, I was so sleepy all day, I just wanted to close my eyes and nap. (Now I'm really waking up and getting chatty.) I made a rhubarb pie the night before last and we ate the whole thing yesterday! Well, I gave 1/3 of it to Mom because she gave me the rhubarb--the last bit out of the garden. It's unusual to get some so late and it was a bit tough and not as sour as the earlier stuff but still rhubarb--yum, yum, pig's bum! I think the crust was the best I've ever made. Jo said she'd never had a rhubarb pie with custard in it. That's the only recipe I've ever had. It's so delish I wouldn't want to try another. Fred swears you have to have strawberries with your rhubarb, but I've never had that.

Mary's saying, "Red hair. She's cute," then laughing. Why do old people see things? Jo thinks they see things that we don't but I'm not sure about that. I guess I'll never know. Damn, she's not going to sleep; she's looking at one of her photo albums! I finally got around to getting some prints made and putting them in there. Can she even see anything? She doesn't have her glasses on. Maybe if/when I turn the light out... argh. As I always say, if it's not one thing, it's your mother; and if it's not your mother, it's your aunt ;-)

Sleepless

I can't sleep for some reason. Maybe it has something to do with the headache I've had since dinner. And maybe that has something to do with the glass of red wine I had with dinner--which definitely had something to do with the hour or so I spent making spanikopita! Of course, Mary, whom I had parked in front of the television (Animal Planet), kept calling me to ask if there was anything she could do. I hate that I lose my patience (and try not to let her perceive this), but it always seems that when I'm doing something especially tedious, she calls me more often to offer her help. I wish I had more for her to do, but she's able to do less and less. I still get her to sharpen knives (damn, she's so good at it!), but sometimes I worry how I'd explain if something happened and I had to take her to the ER. Somehow I don't think they'd understand my letting a 96-year-old sharpen my kitchen knives!

So, anyway, I can't sleep. It's uncommonly warm tonight. It's been so nice to have cool nights. Bella and I have definitely been sleeping better. And I guess Rudi has, too, since he doesn't have to follow me back and forth between my bed and the couch, as I try to find somewhere that induces me to sleep a bit.

I haven't written in a long time, have I? Half a year. I can't remember much about May. JoAnn moved in at the end of June. The first couple of weeks were wonderful and then the next couple were terrible (as the novelty wore off) and then things settled down (no thanks at all to my lack of communication skills) and have been alright since. Jo's great about staying with Mary so I can have time off, and that's rather invaluable. I've been able to go for walks and go out to concerts. I even went out with a guy several times, but it didn't work out. A real pity. At any rate, I'll be glad that Jo will be here through Christmas and she may even stay longer. She was supposed to leave in January, but the apartment she planned to move to may not be available. It's very convenient for her here since her workplace is just down the road. We'll just have to play it by ear.

I think I tend to have a mid-summer slump, and this year was no exception. I start feeling like I'm wearing a straight-jacket, and I get absolutely nothing done. I mentioned to Dr R that I had occasional bouts of mild depression and she said she'd wondered for years when I was going to say something! I was divided about trying anything, so I agreed to a six-week trial period. She put me on Fluvoxamine, which is an SSRI that's especially good for OCD. The first two weeks I was miserable--sick to my stomach and nauseous. I had less and less energy and desire to do anything, which made taking care of Mary difficult, so I cut my dose in half, which the doctor agreed was a good idea. I just had a check-up last week and she was very pleased with my progress. I started taking the whole dose and I haven't had any problems. It's odd. I don't feel happier--I'd thought I'd feel giddy with happiness or something, but I laugh more and sing more (egads!) and play more music CDs. I seem to slowly be getting things in order more, too. I remember when I used to have no problem getting things done. I hope I can return to that. I know that deep down I'm afraid to have nothing to do because I'm afraid I'll get depressed. I detest that feeling of looking at things that used to interest me and feeling a blankness, if not a repulsion, inside. (It's like how they say that the opposite of love is not hate but apathy.) Like a gaping hole. I still sometimes feel that but I seem better able to combat it. I've been exercising more since I got the elliptical machine from April and Lee, so I'm sure that has helped. Also, I've lost some weight and that always makes a person feel better. I even got my hair cut, although I don't much care for the results! Dr R said she wanted to see the gray gone the next time I come in, so I've made an appointment to get that done (and maybe my cut straightened out a bit) this week. I'm not completely sure about dying my hair again. I hate to spend the money and there's the feeling that I'm not being honest about who I am, but I do feel that it makes me look old and if I want to be attractive to men, then I need to feel good about how I look. I think there is a bit of not caring about my appearance that went along with letting my hair go gray. Mom isn't being very supportive, although she's trying her best. She does want what's best for me even if she doesn't agree with the means to that end.

All of this makes me wonder whether this depression business (as well as the OCD) really runs in the family, as I think it does, or whether it's just a case of caregiver blues. I'm pretty sure I've had my problems for a long, long time. Maybe my situation exacerbated my tendencies. Maybe getting older was bringing my problems to a head. My brother Kevin thinks the medicine is just a temporary fix and shouldn't be a crutch, but Dr R seems to think it's a chemical imbalance that will need to be straightened out the rest of my life, like a diabetic needing insulin--which makes a lot of sense to me. I'm glad I've started opening up to her.

Oh, I entered a cookie recipe contest this summer and my recipe was chosen as one of the runners up! Here's a link to the story:
http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/cookie-swap

I took some Tylenol, but my headache isn't any better--and I'm sure staring at a computer screen isn't helping, so I should go soon.

Mary is pretty much the same as always. She's more forgetful and talks more about "going home," which I never know how to respond to. Her shoulder hurts her a lot--arthritis. I give her Tylenol, but it doesn't seem to help much. She can't remember what she's done to it to make it hurt so much. She has more chest pain at night than ever before. She hasn't had a UTI for a few months--yeah! But she does have more lose stool than ever, which really gets me down. I get so tired of cleaning her. She bares it patiently. I think she really enjoys having Jo here.

Angie had some trouble in the summer and was in the hospital. We haven't talked to her for a couple of months. I guess I got full-up of her. It's so hard to talk to her on the phone, anyway. And she's so negative. Tom also had a bad time. He called and left a message the other day and sounded really good. Who knows how Anna is doing? Mom is more and more forgetful but otherwise pretty well. She had a bad cold at the beginning of the summer and lost her sens of taste and smell. Sounds like that's the fate of her family genes.

My head's splitting, I've got to go!

Getting By

I was so sick this week. It must have been the flu--aches, sore throat, runny nose, sinuses hurting, etc. It lasted from Monday through Friday. Today was the first half-way decent day--and I had a migraine! It was interesting to see how little energy I could get by with. How little care I could take of myself and Mary and still get by. Luckily, she was perfectly healthy the whole time. I guess I picked it up in Lexington last week.

I was rather scared a few times, wondering if I was going to be able to make it, taking care of her. I thought it was interesting that in taking it easy on myself, I reverted to the tactics I use when she's not doing well--I used the portable potty (putting it next to her bed), pushed her around the house instead of walking her (I didn't have the energy to keep her going), and ate most meals in the living room. After two nights of little sleep due to aching sinuses, I used Nyquil. I hate that stuff, makes me feel so much more ill, but when you give in to it and sleep, then you do sleep through your cold symptoms. Just thinking about how it makes me feel makes me ill! Ugh! Talk about a necessary evil. Anyway, along that vein, I purchased some Advil PM today. My legs and joints hurt so much at night that I often can't sleep. When I take one of Mary's Darvocets, I sleep really well for about four hours, but that's prescription medicine and not mine, so want to try this other stuff out. I also hope that when I can get some saucony tennis shoes, my legs won't hurt so much at night. I know, I should do yoga every night. Easier to pop a pill. I've tried doing a certain exercise for plantar fascitis, but it's so boring and seems to take so long, even though it's only about five minutes. Isn't that stupid? Of me, I mean. Yes, yes, all the things we should do for ourselves and yet we choose shortcuts.

I was lazy tonight and fixed Mary a grilled cheese for dinner. She just kept commenting on how good it was and asking me what it was and how it was made. She always loved grilled cheese sandwiches. I guess I should make them for her more often. They're not very healthy, though, and I usually burn them because I don't have the patience to stand there and watch them.

The guy next store has had a friend staying with them. At least I guess he's staying with them, I don't know what the deal is. Anyway, he's very friendly and always waving at me and talking to me. Alfreddo, the neighbor, isn't as friendly. Maybe his English isn't as good. Well, anyway, I went to cut the grass today and half of the front yard, the half next to Alfreddo and Joliami (sp?)'s house, was already cut! I couldn't believe it! Sure enough, Alfreddo's friend cut it. He acted like it was no big deal, but it was like a gift from an angel for me this week, since I'd been so sick and really didn't feel like cutting the grass. It was actually kind of funny because I'd already cut part of it before I saw what he'd done and I'd had this thought going through my head over and over. I kept thinking that life is constantly giving us opportunities to... do good, to help others, earn brownie points, however you want to look at it. And that it's just up to us to take advantage of these opportunities. That there are so many chances that we don't even see, even. And then I find that this guy has done this wonderful thing for me! I should make him some brownies or something. I automatically think, though, what if he doesn't like them. Argh!

Getting Things Done--Almost

I'm so proud of myself--I actually got up and worked out to an exercise DVD. OK, it was only a 1-mile Walk Away the Pounds thing, 18 minutes, but that's better than nothing. I went to Lexington yesterday for my annual ovarian cancer testing (all clear) and realized while walking around campus that I've gotten so out of shape, which, considering I was never really in shape, is sinking pretty darned low. I was so glad I didn't have to take Mary because it was extremely windy and rather cold. I was able to meet with some old friends as well as a niece, so I just ran from one place to the next.

I also got over my inner hounddog, as the Germans say, and dealt with Mary's taxes today. I called her tax perparer from last year and took the appropriate documents over to her. Luckily, it was a beautiful day, so it was no problem to take Mary out--except that they were redoing the roof accross the street. When Mary saw that--forget it! She didn't want to move! She had the most interesting thing in years to look at all day! I promised her that they wouldn't be done before we got back. She just kept counting how many men were up there working. As they finished, it must have become increasingly unclear to her what they were doing because she has asked increasingly or made comments such as, "Look at that over there! What are they doing over there? You ought to look and see on this house!" When I ask her what they're doing, she says she couldn't tell me :-)

I also applied for a job today. Well, I got it together and will mail it tomorrow. I read about it on the American Association of Teachers of German Listserv about jobs that I get. The University of Maryland University College is looking for a Teaching Assistant for some online German courses. Wouldn't that be great? Well, we'll keep our fingers crossed.

Money, Money

I feel like I've got a hole in my change purse at the moment. I told you about the plumber having to come twice recently and the bills adding up to almost $500. Now they need to come again because I finally called the gas company about the gas I was smelling outside. They said there was a leak on the meter--on our side, of course. They're coming Monday.

While my brother Kevin was here, he cleaned out part of the gutter that was clogged and said that part of the wood had rotted and needed to be replaced. He looked at the roof, too, and said the roofer could fix the gutter problem. He also said there was some thing I need to jiggle around about four times a year so the gutter wouldn't get clogged up. Yeah, right! I have no idea what he's talking about and don't have a ladder to do it. Argh! So I finally called a roofer. He sounded like he thought I should call the insurance company and see if they'd pay for the roof. The insurance guy was a lot of help. He took pictures with a digital camera and explained what was going on to me and how it could be fixed. He wrote out a check for about $1200 and gave me a few names of contractors to call. I decided I didn't want to go with the original roofer because he'd told me the whole roof needed to be replaced as well as the electric vent, which he said needed to be cleaned every year or it could catch fire. The insurance guy said the whole roof didn't need to be replaced but only patched and that he had the same vent system on his house and had never heard of them needing to be cleaned or catching fire. Hmph! The roofer called back today and tried his best to make me feel bad for not getting him to do the job. Almost worked! Also, the insurance guy said that the hail season wasn't over so it wasn't a good idea to get a new roof right now. He promised that if we ever did really get bad hail damage that he'd pay for a whole new roof. I felt like I could trust him. Now I just need to call one of those contractors and get the job done.

Yesterday the cat threw up twice and was hissing at me and meowing around. She'd been draggin her butt around the carpet and leaving marks for a few days, so I called the vet and they got us in. When the vet stuck a thermometer up the cat's butt, she bit me--yikes! He said she had infected anal glands and gave her two shots after expressing the glands. $70--yikes again. And then I forget how much for half a year of heart worm pills for Rudi. Oiveh!

I'm going to Lexington tomorrow for my annual ovarian cancer test. Bonnie is on vacation, so she's able to stay with Mary all day, only coming once this week. I'm going to meet some friends and my niece, too, so that ought to be nice. I hope we have something to talk about! I've always taken Mary with me, so it ought to be much easier without her. Still, it seems kind of lonely to go alone.

Good Day

Today was a good day. Seems like a long time since I've felt that way. I really should keep track of them because it seems like they're so few and far between. That's probably just my imagination. I might be surprised at how many there are. Or I might decide to do something about it if there really are so few. Anyway, I felt like I got a fair amount done today--I'm trying hard not to see what I didn't get done--plus, I took the dogs out (for our 10 min jaunt down the street, even adding on a bit) twice today. The weather was glorious. I gues that's what inspired my effeciency.

I didn't feel efficient for most of the day. I felt just plain lazy. But I somehow managed to get everything on my list done. Maybe I'm learning better how to make a list! Hm. I even got some other things done, now that I think about it. I did my Monday chores (vacuuming, dusting, tidying up, putting out the trash), cleaned up the decorations from the party, and cleaned up at least half of the dirty dishes that were left. Doesn't sound like much, does it? Oh, I also took a stab at the Monday crossword puzzle. That's on my chore list, too :-) I didn't give Mary a shower like I had wanted to, but I did wash her privates, which is a sort of new resolution I've made. If we don't shower, I should try to keep her clean. It doesn't take long and it's so worth it. I got some pink grapefruit showergel to try to inspire me to shower more often. That's a definite problem area for me. Oh, in addition to all this, I set up an email account for Gina's boys, found out the telephone number for Jim to contact about the headstone, got my pics of Aunt Angie's 90th birthday party off my camera and even emailed some and put one on my myspace page. And I knitted several rows. Gosh, I'm starting to scare myself.

What I didn't do was start my diet (I'm now getting into the scary weight range) or exercise. Gina always wanted Mom and me to do weight lifting for our bones, particularly the Strong Women program. I start it over and over again but peter out by the end of the week. I also didn't completely take care of the mail, even though I did open it. (That's another problem area for me.) I'm hoping that having the house neat and tidy (as good as it's been since I first moved in, I'd say) will help me stay focused and not get into my bad, depressed-sort-of habits. Yes, I think staying focused is exactly what I need to do.

Wow, I think that party for Angie was cathartic for everyone. I could just feel this releasing of tension going on. Oh, maybe I'm just crazy. Who knows? The sad part was that one of Angie's daughters didn't come and was upset that she didn't get an invitation, when I did mail her an invitation. Hmph, maybe I'll call her, but I don't want to. I don't feel like dealing with someone who is injustly indignant and trying to placate them, you know? What an enery zapper. Especially someone who holds you on the phone for an hour. And who it sounds like has a lot of emotional baggage going on. Well, here's a picture of Angie, the Perfect Princess, as her sash says:

Well, I'd better get to bed before midnight or I'll have ended this great day in an unfitting fashion.

By the way, I hate to end on a downer, but I think Uncle Tom's not doing so well. He seemed so good, from what I heard, after his operation, but something odd seems to have happened to have taken away his desire to live.

Getting Ready to Party

It's almost 1 AM and I'm not in bed! Argh! I'm going to die tomorrow. I've still got so much to do: cut up veggies, make sandwiches, wash off plastic chairs, set things out... I'm sure there are other things. My list is in the other room. I wish I could have washed the windows of the back porch. I'm really quite proud of myself for what I did get done, though. For example, I got at least half of my magazines on a shelf in the kitchen. That's such a relief to see them there instead of lying around. I also moved some tables around in the living room. The table that Mary always had next to her chair has this bizarre metal sort of "fence" around the edge, so it was hard for her to pick her coffee cup up and set it down. She would never hear of my moving it, though. I moved a bigger one there and I really like it, so I hope she comes round. She seemed receptive to it, although we didn't sit in the living room tonight. I put the one with the ring around the edge next to my chair. The lamp is higher up and that should be good for my knitting. I also moved my computer. It's not sitting on a little footstool right behind Mary's chair. I put my zofu and zabutan in front of it, so I can sit on them. It will take some getting used to, but it's probably better for me than leaning over from the couch. Also, it leaves the coffe table free and I really like that. It looks so nice and neat. Maybe this neaterness will help Mary's psyche. She was always neat as a pin. I left her alone a lot today, but I told her that the benefit will be that the house will be the neatest it's been in the last six years--since I moved in!

Before Susan came, I worked so much cleaning up the basement. I moved another shelf upstairs to the kitchen. It's funny how it can take you so long to make a decision but then when you finally do it, you feel this immediate sense of relief. I love the added shelf space in the kitchen and I love the new arrangement and neatness in the living room. Now, if I can only do the same thing in my room!

I've been thinking--I haven't thought about Mary's taxes at all! Her financial advisor wants me to use look at the accounts online. I haven't set it up--there was Gina's death, then Susan's visit and now this party. I hate thinking about money. I don't understand people who are so into it. When I think about money, I just get a stomach ache--regardless of how much is there or isn't there. Speaking of money, this party has cost us out so much! I'm really so irresponsible with Mary's money...but I think she will love having everyone here and doing this for Angie. However, I need to stay away from the grocery store at least for the next week. Two weeks would be good, but I know I'll need milk and then there will be bread and then... As I said to Mom, the problem is that grocery-shopping is what I like to do during my free time. It's fun for me.

Well, this will be a good time for Mom and me to look through pictures of Gina so that Fred can get her video ready for the Mother's Day Memorial Service. I found another chain for my St Edwin's medal. (The original one broke.) I was wondering whether we should get St Regina medals made :-)

Well, I'm beginning to feel ill, so I should get to bed. I just wanted to say, though, how much I've enjoyed planning this party. I've always loved having people over--I just hate to go anywhere, myself. I know Mitch loves to have people over, too.

Worries

It seems like I've been spending so much money lately. I know that Mary has enough, but I think once you've lived from hand to mouth for a while, you never get over that nervous fear in the pit of your stomach that you're going to run out of money. It's like a disease.

First, the guy came to check the air-conditioning. He said we had a small leak, so I told him to go ahead and fix it. We also talked about and decided to change over to a different air filter. There is an electric type installed but I haven't gotten the impression in a long time that it was doing anything much. So he turned that off and put in a filter. They are expensive but last for half a year. I hope it works better! At least the electric bill might be a bit smaller. Luckily, when the guy came the next day, he said there really wasn't any leak that he could tell. The other guy was newer, I think. The second guy is the one that has always come since I've been here. Whew! I went ahead and paid for a service contract for Mom and Dad. They've never had their ac or heater checked and I think that's something that should be maintained. Maybe I'm an idiot...they say a fool and his money are easily parted! I wish they'd get a digital thermostat so they can see exactly where the temp is set.

Then I was out cutting grass and when I came in, I noticed a distinct smell of gas, so I called the gas and electric company. They came to check it and found there was a leak, so they turned it off. I was so nervous about getting a good plumber to fix it. I called the one that had the Better Business Bureau seal of approval and had been in business since 1938. They got here the next day and fixed it for $188. I was so relieved--till the gas and electric guy came and said that he would turn the dryer back on because the pipe leading to it was copper and that's illegal. Gas eats through copper. Well, that's good to know, at any rate. We don't want any health hazards. However, that job cost $280! I about fainted. Then the gas and electric guy had to come back out. I wasn't here, but Bonnie was. He turned everything on and checked it. Apparently, he tried to check to see if the furnace was working properly. Odd because the other guy didn't do that. He didn't think it was turning on, so Bonnie called me and I was even more of a mess thinking about getting that fixed. Luckily, when I got home and finally got around to checking it, everything worked just fine. They just didn't wait long enough for it to come on properly.

Also, Mary and I went to the dentist yesterday. I don't have dental insurance, so that was a bit over $100. Then there is the party on Sunday for Aunt Angie. I know I shouldn't spend a lot, but it's her 90th, so I want it to be special. I got all the matching plates and things for the Disney Princess invitations that I sent out as well as streamers, champagne, and food. The bill was humongous and I still have stuff to get today. Some people have asked if they can bring anything but I find it hard to tell people something specific. What if they're late or something happens and they can't come? And what's fair? Oh, there was a special deal running--buy four frozen pizzas (by a brand I like) and you get two quarts of Breyer's ice cream. Cool! But I was sweating finding room in the freezer, and Mary and I will have frozen pizza at least twice this week!

Did I mention that Mary and I saw this movie called Howl's Moving Castle? I got it out from the library. We really enjoyed it. I'd like to take it over to Mom's and watch it again. I wonder how she'll like it. She'll probably think it is stupid.

I love the library. They now have music CDs, so I'm listening to a Mozart CD. Wonderful! I think the cat likes it, too.

Abusing the Caregiver

I received yesterday a proposal from a family member (not directly related) to offer me assistance in alleviating the unfortunate byproduct of my loving care for Mary, namely my celibacy. As the shock is settling down and the disgust settling in, I am reminded of the other incidence of blatant abuse when Aunt Angie accused me of being lesbian, since I was so affectionate with Mary. I wonder, is this common? Why do some family members seem to feel a need to take advantage of or abuse a caregiver? Is it that someone who spends most of her hours serving another seems to be on a lower status level? Do I seem worth less because of my lack of giving back to society in the traditional ways so that people feel they can dump on me or treat me in some way which most clear-minded people would surely recognize as inappropriate? I've heard of shooting the messenger, but abusing the caregiver? I can only shake my head and hope that these people don't make a habit of treating others this way. And thank my lucky stars that my own head is screwed on right.

Life After a Visitor

My friend Susan from New Zealand was here visiting for the last two weeks. She was wonderful about helping with the dishes. It was so nice to not have to do so many little things. She also took the dogs for at least one walk almost every day. It seemed so natural to have her here. I felt myself getting rather depressed the night before she left, and I noticed last night while lying in bed that I'd gotten accustomed to the feeling that there was someone downstairs below me in the basement, which is where she slept. I set up the bed I used to sleep in and it looked quite nice with the rug and bedside table.

We mostly hung out here and cooked and baked a lot--and ate a lot, too, of course. One day we drove (taking Mary along) to Berea. We also went out to Angie's over to Mom's a few times. One afternoon we drove through Cherokee Park, stopping at Dog Hill to let the dogs get out of the car and meet some other dogs.

Unfortunately, on Wednesday Mary woke up with diarrhea, which continued all day along with vomitting. Luckily, though, the nurse was supposed to come to release her, so she was able to check her out and give me some tips about what to do. She said she'd seen 10 other people that day with this bug. She came back on Friday, by which time Mary had gotten better. She told me about the BRAT diet, but I knew about that from Gina. She told me to wait 12 hours after the vomitting stopped to start the BRAT foods and then 12 hours after the diarrhea to start normal foods. She also said not to give Mary coke because that had a lof of acid in it, so it really wasn't good for someone with diarrhea--that's just an old wives' tale. She was also able to look through Mary's medications and tell me which ones weren't necessary while she was sick.

We were supposed to go out to Angie's yesterday because it was her 90th birthday. The weather was beautiful, although a bit cool. However, I was the one with diarrhea, so we didn't go. Mary was very tired today and it was stormy and rainy, so maybe we'll go Wednesday. Anna baked a cake. I have to admit that I partially didn't want to go because Angie's getting on my last nerve at the moment. The other day she said something to me which royally pissed me off. The more I think about it, the madder it makes me. She suddenly said, "I don't know where you get the money that you get things with. I don't want to know." I don't even know what we were talking about. Oh, that burns me up! What business is it of hers? And where does she think I get money from? She knows I don't have a cent to my name? I guess she's worried about Mary's stocks and bonds because that's what she was supposed to get in Mary's will. Plus, she annoyed me because she said we should bring Mary out regardless of her having diarrhea--just give her half an Immodium and half a banana. And in response to the rain today, she said, "What, are you afraid she's going to melt?" Also, Mary told her several times that she had sent the pink sweater that Angie got in the mail, and then when Angie finally understood, she yelled at Mary for not telling her when she'd asked--she was the one who hadn't understood! She said the other day that she was wearing her hearing aid--but in the wrong ear. Like that's going to help anything! I just get so tired of her selfishness, egotism and crass manners.

Just as I had suspected, Mary has been rather confused about where the little girl who was staying in the basement is. She's also been very confused about "going home" and surprised about this being her house. I don't know which is worse, mental or physical unwellness.

Where to?

Mary will tell me that she needs to use the potty and then when I've gotten her standing up with her walker, she'll ask, "Where to?" As you can imagine, I give all kinds of answers since I hear this question several times a day. Yesterday I asked her where she wanted to go. She answered, "The living room?" As we were standing in the living room at the time, this really tickled my funny bone. I said, "Yeah, let's go to the living room," whereupon she proceeded to go out to the hallway and head towards the bathroom. When she stood in front of the bathroom, she asked if that's where she should go, so I said yes. I was trying not to bust out laughing the whole time. I know I shouldn't laugh at her or tell stories on her, but some things are just too funny.

Last night after dinner Rudi was begging to beat the band like usual, so I finally got Bella and him some treats. Well, when he wanted more, I got a handfull of his dog food and Mary gave that to him. He took it and ate it like it was some delicacy! We both got a big laugh out of that. It was quite touching, too, because she wants so desparately to be needed and it gave her such a good feeling to have him practically eating out of her hand.

We finally, after a week, got the antibiotics for her UTI. I think they must mess with her. Last night in the middle of the night I heard her bells ringing and when I went in there, she was crying and saying she was so scared because she thought she was all alone. I got in bed with her for a while till she calmed down. She's so sweet.

Problems of the Eye and So Forth

Mary has always gotten burst blood vessels in her eyes, but she's had one for the past week or so that doesn't seem to be going away but getting worse instead. I called her eye doctor today and he was so kind as to talk to me on the phone instead of making Mary come in. He said that if she's on a blood thinner and/or aspirin, it can make the eye look worse. He said that if she isn't in pain and doesn't have any vision disturbances, not to worry about it.

A nurse is coming tomorrow. I'm so glad. Her urine is now not just smelly but also cloudy, and when she's sitting alone, she's moaning a lot, which is a signal to me that something is wrong.

I've noticed that Mary has started stuttering. Just a bit. I guess this is an effect of the atrophy of her brain.

Our amaryllis is blooming. Last year just as it was starting to bloom, we had to leave for St Louis. By the time we got back, it had died. I remember Mary commenting that it hadn't bloomed for long. We'd been gone for two weeks but she didn't know it.

Nikki, Simone, Mom, Mary and I went to see "Night at the Museum" yesterday. I was glad we all got out and did something. Gina wanted to see that movie, so the experience was tinged with some sadness for me. I thought it was a clever movie, appealing to people on a variety of age and intelligence levels.

Uncle Tom is in the hospital. They've discovered a small tumor at the back of his brain. They're going to operate tomorrow. It isn't clear yet whether it's malignant or has metastasised. Mom and I have a feeling everything's going to be alright. The aunt's will be heart-broken if anything happens to Tom.

Sleeping, or Not Sleeping

I couldnt' sleep last night. I guess I just keep thinking about Gina. Thinking about the absence of Gina. Mary must have been having trouble, too. I went to be around 3:00 and when I checked on her, she ws still awake. When I went to bed, I heard her in there doing her odd moaning/humming/jodelling thing. I finally yelled out to her that I couldn't sleep with her doing that. She had some funny reply that I wanted to put, but I've forgotten it now. Oh, now I know. She said she was just talking. We were talking, she said. I asked who she was talking with and she said something like, oh, whoever comes in. Sometimes I'd really love to be a fly on the wall in Mary's brain.

Mish-Mash

We had an orange with breakfast and Mary got some pulp stuck in her teeth. She couldn't get it out for love nor money, so I found myself trying to coax it out. I ended up taking some floss and flossing her teeth. I went ahead and did all of them (that I could) because they needed it so badly. She used to floss all the time, but, hey, I dont' know what she's doing with that floss. Just like I don't know what she's doing with the tooth brush. I couldn't believe it, though. Is there anything I havne't done for this woman? It really is just like having a child.

We went to two doctors today. The podiatrist just trimmed her toenail a bit more. He didn't seem much concerned about her toe hurting her so much. He cracks me up. He looks very German and up-tight. He's so very serious. He has loosened up a bit, though. I think he's rather young for a doctor--around my age. He has three different offices. I wonder why. He's not handsome but he's not bad looking.

I know, I'm a sad case, checking out Mary's doctors. It's just that they are the only intelligent, well-educated men I meet. When I put it that way, it makes absolute sense that I check them out! Well, let me tell you, the gastroenterologist was totally hubba-hubba. And so nice! Big sigh. He said to call him in a few weeks--so I don't have to come back in. I was thinking, "Oh, that's ok! No problem!" I gave Mary a prescription for a stronger antacid and switched her Protonix to the evening--with no calcium or vitamins. He also ordered some blood work. Maybe all those antibiotics for UTI's have screwed up her intestinal flora. Who knows?

We had a lot of time to kill between doctors' visits, but it wasn't worth going home, so we drove through a White Castle (didn't want to get out of the car) and then picked up a butter kuchen from the bakery across the street. Then we drove through Cherokee Park. It was a gray day and the trees were all bare and grass dead, but there were lots of people with dogs, which Mary and I both enjoyed.

I think I have a cyst on one of my knuckles. Well, one thing I've learned--don't put heat on it! Maybe I'll get out a bible and slam it down on it.

We're leaving for St L tomorrow. I hope the rain isn't too annoying. If everything goes alright, we'll be celebrating Mary's birthday in St L. I think that will be a good experience for the boys--celebrating Mary's 96th birthday.

Mom knitted a baby's cap, but it's too large for a baby. Mary tried it on and fell in love with it. She wears it all the time. Here's a picture of her wearing the cap and holding Jaden, the baby for whom the cap was intended.

You can see that he does have a big head. Maybe it would fit him!

I was quite proud of myself today. I handled the stress of the doctors' visits with a fair amount of aplomb. I only lost it once when I finally managed to get her chair into the podiatrist's tiny waiting room only to find myself and the wheelchair stuck between the door and another chair. I said, "Jesus Christ!" for which I immediately felt guilty and proceeded to climb over the chair behind me and move it. Why do doctors' offices never have doors for handicapped people? Are they too expensive? Why don't I go in and get someone to come out and help me? Do I enjoy playing a martyr? I get so angry that I can't think straight, true, but I also hate to ask for help. I think people should just offer it. I did ask for help when I left. She only held one door open and I asked her if she couldn't get the other one, too, which she was perfectly happy to do. But it did make me a bit annoyed that I had to ask. Hm. Maybe next time there's someone in a wheelchair she'll think about it herself and they won't have to ask.

I found a website with some games on it that are supposed to help older people keep their minds fit. I registered for the website so I can keep track of my progress--had to lie about my age! I was playing some tonight when it occured to me that Mary might enjoy them. She couldn't do the mouse though--especially not on a laptop, but on the puzzles she could sometime point to a piece on the screen and tell me where to put it. She was super slow, though, so I did a lot myself. She just kept exclaiming about how good I was--and it was the super easy level :-) I tried some other games, but I think they were too fast for her. However, this has got me thinking that I need to get some children's puzzles and clean the dining room table off so we can work on them. I have never been a puzzle person. I don't see the point in putting something together that you're just going to tear up and put away. However, I do see the value in the mental skills that you practice when doing a puzzle. As well as the sense of accomplishment and pleasure it would give someone like Mary who has very limited outlets for leisure activities. I often look at games in drugstores but it's hard to find one for Mary. She even finds Uno confusing. I'll have to have a look at the puzzles.