Ad Infinitum

The illnesses and aches and pains continue on. The night before last Mary started getting very panicked and upset. She said she was worried because she was all alone. She kept wanting to call home. This continued during the day. I took a hot bath (pre-heated the tub and used some of Jo's essential oils--heavenly!) and then laid down in my bed. Jo and her daughter were kindly feeding Mary dinner and taking care of her, but I think my absence didn't help matters as Mary was more upset than ever when I got up. I sat with her in her chair for a while (great for my back--not!) and tried to draw her attention to the TV as much as possible.

She was worried about money. It's funny but that's really the last thing she should worry about! I'm worried about her becoming incapacitated and me having to put her in a home and my ending up penniless! I can see Mary living to be 110 and just being a vegetable. I know the mental health nurse told me several years ago that I should just agree with her, but I feel compelled to tell Mary the truth. She can't phone her mother because Grandma has been dead 31 years! What do I do if I say she can call and then she wants to talk to Grandma? I think it's better to remind Mary how old she is. I was telling her that she'll be 97 in a couple of months and she said she guessed she didn't have much longer to live. She's said this before. I told her I guessed it was up to her and God. She said it was just up to God. I told her I wasn't sure about that. I mean, people can give up--or they can hold on. Who knows why people die when they do. Maybe it's all just chance.

I did some yoga yesterday. I'd been avoiding it because Jo thought it might be exacerbating my back pain, but her boss had said that if I followed a balanced program then it was alright. I do the Yoga for Stress Relief with Suzanne Deason. It felt so wonderful! It was very interesting because I could really feel where I was tight and sometimes it was unexpected. I really should be doing that every day--and weight lifting to build my strength for lifting Mary. Should, should, should! Who does everything they should do?

Nights Are for Resting?

The night before last Mary started chattering and yakking away when she went to bed and didn't stop till about 8 AM when I put the headphones on her. Last night she started moaning about half-way through the night. Needless to say, I haven't gotten much sleep lately! She slept almost the whole day yesterday and I was so happy! Then she promptly fell asleep last night at about 10 PM! So we just left her in her lazy boy all night. Mary has now sat in her chair for a day and a half now and hasn't used the potty too much--and I'm so relieved. I know that's bad of me--and bad for her, too. But every time I have to get her up, it kills my back, which has never really stopped hurting.

I guess we won't have Thanksgiving this year. That's really going to throw me for a loop!

Her cough doesn't sound much better. I guess it'll just take time.

I made some cookies this evening called Texas Tea Cakes. I've been wanting to make them because they sounded interesting--with buttermilk. I used kefir instead. It's a bit tarter. They're odd--like a combination of sugar cookies and buttermilk biscuits! Mary likes them, but she always loves cookies. It's such a pleasure to give them to her and have her exclaim over them. She was just about to give the dog one! I squawked and she stopped. The dog looked guilty--like he knew he shouldn't have asked for one.

Unthanksgiving

We had the most boring day! Mary watched TV all day--the last hour of the Macy's Parade, the dog show and then one movie after another. She was very attentive. What did I do? Good question! I swept the kitchen floor, talked to Suzanne in Germany, talked to Jo, talked to Mom, took a hot bath, walked the dogs, vacuumed the carpet, fixed dinner, dyed my hair, took a shower to wash it out, exercised on the elliptical machine...I guess that was basically it. Pretty boring, huh? Now I'm putting Mary to bed and don't know what I'll do with myself.

Visits to Healers

Last night was horrible. Mary coughed all night, so neither of us got any sleep. She kept ringing her bells, but when I went in, she said she didn't want anything. She never asked to use the potty, and I was so tired, I was quite relieved. Well, that didn't mean that she didn't have to go! That's the first time I think she's ever really wet the bed like that. I knew I had to get her to the doctor. Her urine stank so bad. Dr R wasn't in but luckily they gave me an appointment with another doctor for a little more than an hour later. I don't know how, but I managed to get Mary to eat something and get dressed and ready and get there only five minutes late. We had to drive my car and it doesn't have the slick seats like hers, so I wasn't able to get her sitting up properly. The poor thing had to ride there and back almost recumbent! My back was killing me so much, it was all I could do to get her in the car at all.

The doctor (who was super cute) was very, very nice. Unfortunately, Mary had some diarrhea when I got her sample from her. It was awful trying to clean her up, let me tell you! They took the sample anyway and said she did have a UTI. The doctor gave me samples of antibiotics and something for her cough, so I didn't have to stop at the pharmacy. Dr R's nurse stopped in to say hi, which I thought was very nice. I've never been especially comfortable around her, so I was surprised. She said her daughter was going to her ex-husband's house, so she was going to spend all day being lazy on the couch with the dog, which she said suited her just fine, but it sounded kind of sad to me. I wonder if she's not from here. Thinking about it now, it makes me realize how difficult it could be for someone who works full-time to meet someone to date, especially if you have a child, but, then, I guess there are always ways if you search for them, like taking the dog for a walk in Cherokee park ;-)

I made it back to the house just in time to meet Bonnie and explain everything and then head over to my massage appointment. (Mary's in there talking to some little girl in her bedroom.) Actually, it was more like body work than a massage. And it was painful! And still is! Denise had said that my body would probably relax in about two hours, but it never did. She also said that hot baths were my best friend. I really wanted to take one tonight, but Mary was very chipper and stayed up till 11:30! I'm supposed to go back next week. I sure hope I feel better tomorrow!

I asked Mom if we could postpone Thanksgiving till Friday since neither Mary nor I feel so well. Luckily, she was agreeable. It's not like we have such set schedules that it really matters.

Man, I feel like someone kicked my butt all over town! Oi! I'm looking forward to baking some pies and rolls tomorrow, so I'd better feel up to it.

Mom was rather depressed today. She said it was the weather. I was depressed because I keep thinking about the guy I liked so much. I'd love to call and offer to bake him a pie or ask him to come over and fix this chair in the kitchen that's broken, but I know that's stupid of me. Not that I can't be friends with him still, but I need to wait a while, I think. I've had several guys "wink" at me on Match.com, but I'm not interested in any of them. I have a list of favorites, but I hate to spend the money to subscribe and I'm too chicken to write to anyone. I always think the guy should make the first move. I think that's how they're hard-wired. My profile has been looked at something like 160 times in the past week. I put in there that I take care of my aunt full-time, so I guess that's scaring the guys off. Oddly enough, I've had several younger guys write. Before they were always too old for my taste.

Well, tomorrow I'm dying my hair, regardless of how I feel!

And Also...

Well, she's gone to bed--yeah! No, really, I'm not so happy when she goes to bed early because I feel so lonely! Yes, I know, poor me. She's in the coughing, doggone it. Now she's telling someone nighty night. It was so funny the other day--she was napping and all of a sudden she started mumbling. Then she said, "Jesus, ah [as in a sigh]." Jo and I just cracked up. I guess you had to be there.

I was just thinking that maybe my back is hurting me so much because I've been pulling her up in her bed. She gets in bed--well, she sits down on the edge and sometimes she can scoot herself back a bit and then I usually lift her legs up onto the bed (I try to wait to see if she can do it herself but I get impatient), but she can't get herself up high enough so that her upper body is at a proper angle when I raise the head of the bed, so I have to pull her up toward the head of the bed. I used to hate doing this and one time even burst out crying because I was so sick and tired myself--I think it was when she had that cyst on her wrist. I've gotten a better attitude about it because it's just a necessary thing, but it's certainly not fun to do. I've tried lowering the railing before she sits down on the edge of the bed, so she'll be higher up, but she needs to hold onto the railing when she scoots herself back. If she doesn't scoot back, then when I put her legs up onto the bed, she's over to close to the edge. As it is, I usually have to try to move her over more anyway--something else that's probably hurting my back. For a long time I didn't worry about her being up so high in the bed, but when she's got a cough or having a lot of chest pain, I think it's imperative that she be sitting up more instead of lying too flat. Why are things so complicated? Well, I've got to figure something out. Hey, maybe I'll take a hot bath since she's gone to bed early! That's just a temporary fix but you've got to start somewhere!

Oh, I wanted to mention an annoying problem. We got down to our last Poise panty, so I switched over to the pads. (It's about 50/50 whether she makes it to the potty in time.) Well, the pad didn't stick to her underwear properly and got stuck to the toilet seat on her port-a-potty. What a mess! How am I ever going to get it off? Just one of those strange nuisances in the life of a caregiver.

Before I go get my bath, I wanted to put in a plug for a product and company that I love: Grandma Jansen's tea from Tea Gschwendner. It's an herbal tea with cinnamon, orange peel, hibiscus and chamomile blossoms, rose hips, and apple pieces. Yum! It just makes you feel all warm and toasty inside--but I make it twice as strong as they recommend. Tea Gschwendner is a German tea company and they make the most amazing blends--lots of herbal and fruit teas. My favorite black tea is the English Westminster blend of Assam, Ceylon, and Java tea. It's not cheap, of course, but this one of the ways I treat myself since I'm not paid any wages, per se.

Divine Intervention

Bonnie got here nice and early today (she's always at least 15 minutes early), but Mary's car wouldn't start. Bonnie called a friend who works on cars and he said it was the starter solenoid. Dad says the mechanic can bring one put it on--the car is parked in the garage. Hm. I can't believe that! There's a nice place just down the street, but I can't see getting the problem fixed till next week, seeing as this is Thanksgiving week. Luckily, I do have my own car. Mom very kindly drove it over--she uses it to take her old Dalmatian to the vet (and the seats are all covered with dog hair--blech). All this meant that I could once again not go to the hairdresser to get my hair dyed! The lady was really nice about my canceling, thank goodness, cause I would have been rather annoyed!

I had to go to the library (to drop off and pick up my usual pile--no joking, ten or fifteen books, CDs, and DVDs on average), so I was discussing it with one of the librarians, Joyce. I love those women, even though I'm sure they think I'm certifiably insane for checking out so much stuff. (No, they know I have no life.) Well, she couldn't believe it when I said I was only 40. Gee, I wonder how old she thought I was! I joked with Mom later that people probably say, "Look at that 50-year-old woman--she acts like she's 40!" or "Goodness, she's got great skin for her age!" So I picked up some hair dye at the drugstore when I got Mary's prescriptions. I decided that God was trying to tell me not to waste the money on the hairdresser--to use it on something more worthwhile like cookbooks or something yummy from Germany ;-) (I opened the box and showed Mary all the contents--she was quite fascinated and played around with them for a while till I started to get anxious that one of the bottles or tubes would come open and so packed it all away.)

While I've been typing this, Mary has been peering at the computer screen. She got a big kick out of seeing her name there! I told her what it was and she thought it was great. I'd been looking at my MySpace page (www.myspace.com/brikl9) and had been showing her the pictures I have on there, which she enjoys immensely.

I'm sure she's got another UTI or maybe something worse, darn it. Her urine really stinks, she's seeing people, and she says she doesn't feel well (although her cold is much, much better). I've got to remember to call the doctor tomorrow--but I bet no one will be there until Monday, and then I'll never get through because so many people will be calling in. Argh! Why do I screw things up like that all the time? I'm such a bad caregiver! I should have called Monday. Speaking of being bad, she says she's tired, so I need to tend to her.

Straightened Out

Don't ask me what I'm doing still up! I thought I'd gotten myself straightened out--ha! I asked Jo to work on me this afternoon, which she kindly did. Then I felt a bit dizzy, which has happened before when someone worked on my lower back, so I sat out on the back porch with Mary and promptly went to sleep--for about 3 hours! Then we moved into the living room where I slept for another 2 hours. I think I have sleeping sickness! I don't think I've ever slept so much in one week before in my life--honestly! So now I'm awake.

I didn't really want to go to sleep because I was feeling lonely. All my life I seem to have been plagued by the feeling of loneliness--like a red thread flowing through my life, connecting it all together. Since I've been living with Mary, I've felt much, much less lonely, but I still have occasional bouts, like now. Maybe it's because Jo is going out of town for a few days. But I think it has more to do with the guy that I was interested in. I liked him--or who I thought he was--so much! I've looked at various websites--dating sites--but can't find anyone I'd really be interested in enough to write to. Plus, there seem to be so many obstacles, ranging from my situation with Mary to my huge family to my horrible propensity to be so picky when it comes to men. Well, after looking at these sites, I feel worse than I felt before. Jo even looked and found a guy I might have considered contacting--then his profile disappeared! It's an omen ;-)

Oh, I guess I don't really care whether I find someone. At least I keep telling myself that. Mary had three husbands and I tease her all the time about how did she manage it and can't she give me any advice, but she says she has no idea. Heck, she mostly doesn't even remember any of her husbands except for Bill! I know the aunts and Mom, even, didn't care for him, but I'd still like to have met him. He must have been a character, a force to be reckoned with. And the fact that he chose Mary... I bet she was a character, herself. I wish I could see her standing there at that soda fountain counter at Woolworth's. What did she look like when Bill first met her? Did she flirt with him? I know he wouldn't let anyone else wait on him. Oh, here I go, living vicariously. It's surprising that I don't write romance novels!

Well, I've gotten a headache from staring at the computer screen. Bonnie called today to see if I wanted her to come this week--her way of letting me know that she really doesn't want to come. I really need her to, though, because I have my appointment to get my hair dyed tomorrow (it was postponed) and we've got our last CSA pick-up--boo hoo! (We haven't decided whether we're going to do it again next year. I'd like to, but it's expensive.) Then I need Bonnie to come on Wednesday because Jo has very graciously arranged for her boss to work on my pressure points on my lower back--I'm nervous but excited, too. I met this lady once and found her a bit intimidating, but Jo adores her and thinks the world of her abilities.

I made Beef Barley soup this evening--for tomorrow. Mary loves Barley Soup. At least she used to love it. She often doesn't remember her likes and dislikes anymore--except she doesn't forget how much she loves cantaloupe and how much she hates watermelon :-) I never make Barley Soup, but I love it, too. I think it will be delicious. I love throwing things into soup and not knowing how it's going to turn out--maybe it makes me feel a bit like a witch! Yes, I think that's it! Well, Jo is very appreciative of my cooking and I always thought she was quite a good cook herself, so I think I must not be too bad. That's nice--to be good at something you enjoy doing. I think that's something I really long for--to be very good at something that I do naturally. I guess that comes from thinking I was good at singing and then studying it for 12 years and ending up feeling like I was no good--not in the eyes of the people who "counted."

Well, I've just been chatty Kathy, haven't I? Now to bed with my headache--and the dogs.

Early Bird and Other Birds

I know a lot of people would scoff if I said I felt like an early bird because I got up at 7:30--not that my brain is awake yet, even though I've been up for an hour and already had a cup of tea and even tidied up the kitchen, as well as put Mary on the potty, given her morning pills to her and put her back to bed (the last three of which are a given). I'm so relieved to wake up (and get up) early! I was wondering, after sleeping till 5 PM yesterday (thank goodness for Jo) after staying up till 4 AM and then staying up till 2:30 AM last night (and not actually getting to sleep till who knows when), if and how I'd ever get back to a normal schedule. I guess the body straightens itself out.

One reason I couldn't sleep last night was that my lower back and hips have been hurting so much. I did Feldenkrais exercises last night but they only help so much. I lay in bed and massaged all over wherever it hurt. I can't say I feel better today, but I felt like I was doing something good just by trying to do something. I get so worried about permanently damaging my back with lifting Mary, but what can I do? I have to lift her. I suppose some people would say that I should have kept her in better condition by doing exercises with her, and I guess they'd be at least partially right. However, I can't cry over spilt milk and just have to deal with things as they are, and as they are is that my lower back is killing me and I'm already taking a rather strong pain pill every day for the pain in my hips and hands. I'm willing to "pay" for taking care of Mary by not having a social life, job or home when she passes away, but I've got to have my health relatively intact. (I wish Jo would work on me more, but I have to learn to ask her--not easy for me! Also, she can only temporarily fix things as I'd be constantly undoing the fixes.)

Will there come a time when I won't be able to take care of her? She said sometime last night when I put her on the potty that she wasn't going to be around much longer. Sometimes I kind of feel like, "Promises, promises!" Isn't that wicked of me? I just tell her that I don't want her to go but she is 96 and that's longer than a lot of people live to be. It just struck me that it's rather selfish of her to not think of the imposition she's making on my life. I mean, she says she's thankful and wonders what she'd do without me, but she doesn't really care about what it means to my life. I guess that's a lot to ask of someone her age. How many people could really be that selfless, anyway?

I'm sitting out on the back porch. I had the windows redone so that they're insulated and it's been so nice. It makes a world of difference in the temperature and it looks so much better, as it's all white and there's more glass in the door. Also, we can open the windows, which I absolutely love, especially when it rains. The view is of a sort of little woods going up a small hill. I guess that's why they call this "Bella Vista" subdivision. It is a nice view. Now it's all red and orange. There are two huge oak trees in the neighboring yard and Mary comments on them all the time--how big they are and how she hopes they don't ever fall on the house (they do lean this way). We have a good variety of birds due to the woods and those big trees. Right now there are chickadees and a nuthatch out there. We especially love the downy and red-bellied woodpeckers. OK, if I'm digressing into a nature-logue then I'd better go!

Getting Back to Abnormal

Mary and I just lazed around and slept all day. Well, at least, I did, and I'm hoping/guessing that's what Mary did! Jo was gone to her sisters when we got up around noon. Why is it that you can't sleep at night when you feel like crap but come daylight and you zonk out? Is it just the darkness that makes the symptoms worse?

Mary seems to have a less-productive cough now, so that is a relief. When we practiced with her breathing toy from the hospital (to help keep the patient from getting pneumonia), she did so much better today. Really, she did as well as she ever did. I put Wicks on the soles of her feet again--I read in an email that it helped keep you from coughing. No harm in trying :-)

Yesterday I ate like a pig and today I hardly ate anything. Jo went out last night at around 11 PM and got hamburgers for herself and me because I said I was hungry for one! It tasted so good! Otherwise I mostly pigged out on the Sweet Potato-Butternut Squash Pie I'd made on Thursday night. That's all Mary and I have had to eat today--two pieces each! It tastes so good and I figure it probably has some good stuff in it--fiber and minerals and vitamins. I'm trying to get Mary to drink more fluids, but it's hard. It's a two-edged sword kind of thing, anyway, because she needs to pee more, but then I have to put her on the potty, which is killing my lower back.

Speaking of which, I laid down a couple of hours ago and did Feldenkrais exercises for about an hour. It hurt like hell, which is a signal to me that I need to do them more often. I'm not taking proper care of my body. Every time I do them, I'm filled with the urge to teach someone about it, but I'm the only person crazy enough (ie, anal enough and with enough patience) to do them. (Mary has jut pulled the straw out of the travel mug I sometimes give her hot drinks to her in and she can't figure out how to get it back in the slot :-) She's so cute! She's saying, "Hm...hm...," as in, "Hm, how does this puzzle piece fit?" She finally gave up. Oh, at least she hasn't been moaning the last few days. She must feel better because she's moaning now. And wheezing--that's bad.)

After the Feldenkrais exercises, when I finally managed to get back up off the floor, I felt so much better! My head is clearer and I generally feel more normal. I vacuumed the floor then cause it was a sight with Bella's hair all over it. Funny how it makes you feel so much better when things are cleaner.

Well, we really should eat something else today, so I guess I'll make up some chicken broth (Savory Choice--delicious!) and heat a few biscuits.

What Goes Around

Well, I woke up this morning with a sore throat, stuffed up nose, etc. Promptly went back to sleep! Mary's wheezing and coughing a lot but seems to feel quite chipper--ugh! Luckily, Jo only works a half-day on Fridays, so she's home helping me. It's so nice to have someone else here!

The plumber came to fix a leaking, what did he call it? Spincock or something--the thing that the water hose attaches to. Also, we had another leak in our gas meter. What is that, the third time they've fixed a gas leak this year? The bill wasn't nearly as much as I expected, so that was good. Mom had them over earlier this week and paid quite a bit more.

Well, my head feels full of fiberglass, so I'll cut this short and spare you any more gory details of our little piece of reality.

Phoenix

Jo said Mary was a phoenix--she's so much better today. All night she had chest pain, about every 2 hours. I'd give her a nitro and hold her and stroke her for a few minutes and then she'd lie down again. We slept till about 2 PM! Mary got up and had a cup of tea and piece of toast and her pills and then went back to bed for a few hours. She keeps telling the dog that she was away but now she's back. Jo and I just looked at each other with raised eyebrows. Rudi's laying on Mary's lap--I'm so happy he does that. It's so good for her.

Jo's looking at Youtube videos of cats with Mary. I'm glad she's into entertaining Mary. Sometimes she'll look at a magazine or cookbook with her. I guess I don't have that sort of patience. I'm also not too into Youtube.

Angie called while Mary was in bed. So she's still alive! She even sounded very good. She's spending the nights and weekends with one of her daughters. I'm glad they got things figured out, but I imagine Angie's not too happy. Her daughter and son-in-law smoke and they keep the house very cold. But if it's just for the nights and weekends...I guess she can handle it. She said she still hasn't learned to keep her big fat mouth shut. She'll say something like, "What took you so long?" and they'll get mad and ask, "Why'd you say something like that, Mother?" I've never understood people who call their mom "Mother," anyway. How formal! Angie said she guessed she ought to just keep her thoughts to herself and I guess I agree. Mom says Angie just has a different sense of humor, but isn't there always a grain of truth in every joke?

Helpless

Mary really isn't doing well and I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. I think Jo feels the same, but I don't know what to tell her. I tend to get defensive and over-protective.

Mary's been sleeping most of the day. I got he to eat half a piece of toast, drink half a cup of tea and to take her medicine. When she talks it's rather incoherent unless she really wakes up. She said she wonders what's wrong with her. I think it's just all the lack of sleep finally catching up, plus not being well. She has had a few spells of sweating and getting overheated but mostly she doesn't feel like she's got a fever. She hasn't coughed as much since I gave her the Coricidan. When she complains of pain, I think it's actually often her shoulder that she means.

She had to use the potty and that went pretty well except when I had to wipe her (because she'd had a bm), and she couldn't really stand. I kind of propped her up with one hand and wiped with the other, getting it on myself a bit, which was gross, but I was mostly relieved to be able to do it at all. I've often wondered what I'd do if she couldn't stand for me to wipe her. What will I do if I can't take care of her? I do so hope she doesn't linger if I can't care for her!

Are You Dying or is This Just a Little Spell?

I came out to sit in the living room since I wasn't getting any sleep listening for Mary's moans. She's had chest pain on and off all night. I pigged out on candy I'd made last night (a new type of bourbon ball I'm working on) and made myself a cup of tea and got all cozy with the baby monitor on, when the moaning started in earnest.

After going in and giving her nitro once or twice, I decided to bring her out here. When I give her nitro, she usually wants to sit up. I hold her with her head on my chest. It's hard not to rock her, but she finds that annoying, so I restrain myself. I stroke her head and she doesn't seem to mind. I also hold her hand or hands. They're usually cold and mine warm. Eventually she seems to be falling back asleep, so I'll help her lie back down.

After I got her in the living room and got her all set up--music, pillow under feet, blanket, cough drop (she's developed a nasty cough)--she started moaning again and kicking everything off. She said she had a bad pain under her arm. Then I noticed she was sweating. She said she was going to throw up. Should I call 911 or not? I hate having to make that decision. I thought I should wait and see and the spell did eventually pass. I blew on her and she said it felt good. It's so hard to know what to do at all because you don't want to annoy the person; you want to bring relief, but your idea of what's comforting may not be the same as theirs.

I went ahead and gave her the isosorbide pill that she usually gets after breakfast. Some of the other pills require food and she doesn't feel like eating yet. The isosorbide is a slow-release nitroglycerin. It does seem to be helping. About half an hour later I gave her a Coricidan, which is a cough and cold pill for people with high blood pressure. The Mucinex (expectorant) didn't seem to ever help. She seems to be sleeping now although she's still making a lot of noises and coughing occasionally.

She never catches a cold. I'm always the one who gets sick. Jo asked if I'd be taking her in to see Dr R, but I said no, if I took her anywhere it would be the ER. I think Jo's worried, but I'm not. I guess I've gotten complacent. Or I'm just tired. Sometimes at night I can hardly hold my eyes open as I'm holding her in my arms while she has chest pain. I feel so unemotional, just the physical desire to close my eyes, and I wonder if I'm a beast to be so unfeeling when Mary could be dying. I wonder sometimes how it's going to happen. How will I react? Will I just want to go back to bed and deal with it later or will I be freaking out? Will she die at home or in the hospital or in the ambulance on the way there? I've thought about it and I'd rather have her die at home and wonder if I should have called 911 than to have her die in an ambulance or the hospital and know that I should have just kept her at home. I know Mary wouldn't agree, but at her age I think it's rather silly to get too uptight about her dying. That doesn't mean I won't be miserable missing her when she's gone, just that I'm trying to be rational about the matter.

She's still sleeping. Her tiredness from the night before is probably catching up with her. Bonnie was supposed to come today but I may tell her not to. If Mary doesn't feel well, I don't want to go out. I don't really have anything to do today anyway. We don't really need any groceries. It would be good to save the money.

We were supposed to go to the Thanksgiving lunch at my great-nephew's pre-school tomorrow, but I'm going to see about someone else going. I can't take Mary if she's got a cold. We thought she'd enjoy seeing all the little kids.

Poor Me

It occurred to me sometime during the night when I wasn't sleeping that I said like a self-pitying martyr in this blog. Do I really feel so sorry for myself? I hope not. Well, no more than most people feel sorry for themselves because I'm sure we all do on some level. Actually, I have a wonderful life in a lot of ways. I get to make my own schedule and do whatever I want (as long as I don't leave the house) most of the time. I just wanted to go on the record as saying that I know I've got a cushy life in a lot of aspects and don't mean to snivel all the time about how rotten it is.

Repetition is the Mother of Insanity

Sometimes I think I'm just going to lose it from having to repeat myself so much.

• Take your brakes off.
• Put your brakes on.
• Put your arms out straight. (for pulling off tops so I don't pull her head off)
• This is a big pill so throw your head back to swallow.
• Breathe.
• I know you can stand up a little straighter.
• His name is Rudi.
• Let go. (of the railing, so I can straighten her out in bed)
• Bend one leg and push. (so I can pull her up to the head of the bed more)
• You swish and I'll hold this [her spit bowl].
• That's too hot [coffee], so you'll have to wait a bit.
• Are you warm enough?
• Is that loud enough?
• Drink your juice--it has medicine in it.
• You can have your coffee after you drink that water.
• I've got to give you some pills...[They're for] your heart/your heart and your stomach/your mind, your circulation and your digestion/this, that and the other thing.
• Yes, I already fed them.
• This is your house. You bought it 11 years ago.
• No, I don't see anything.
• It's from Gina. Yes, she died in February. Cancer.
• Do you want me to heat that [coffee or bean bag] up for you?
• It's arthritis.
• Do you want to listen to some music?
• Today's shower day. Leave the walker over there. That's for your face, neck and ears/arms...
• Are you alright?
• Cut it out, Mary./That's enough of the moaning./Mary, please stop it.
• Is it your chest? Take a swig [of Mylanta]. Under your tongue [nitroglycerin].
• I made it. Thank you.
• You're welcome.
• We've got two dogs and a cat.
• She's at work. She's my sister-in-law. She sleeps in the basement.
  

It's no wonder I'm glad Jo is here. Otherwise, I'd rarely have anything other than the above phrases to say.

Playing with Bad Karma

I sometimes wonder how I'm going to pay for what I'm doing here, taking care of Mary and isolating myself for...how many years? I'll be homeless and jobless when she dies, although hopefully not penniless. I'll also be still single with only the few friends I could manage to hang onto by emailing (since I'm not much good at phoning). Not many friends here in L--except for family, not that they aren't friends.

As for the being single, that seems to be my fate regardless. I always joke that I have bad (sexual) karma because I was a nun in my last life. Mom says a lot of Kleins never got married, that it's in my genes, so to say.

This last guy that I went out with a few times...I'd really hoped it would mean something. He's a friend of my brothers, which sounds so safe, doesn't it? In this case it means the opposite. I should have known better--because he is a friend of my brothers. I admit, the Bohemian aspect of him (ie, an innate characteristic of my brother and his friends) was partly what attracted me. Who wants the quotidian? This guy is also good-looking, but that doesn't sway me much. I'm finding out from talking with Jo that I only find .1% of men good-looking enough to like. I mean, I can recognize handsome, but that doesn't mean I feel attracted to it. No wonder I'm still single! Mom's right--I am too picky. Anyway, this guy is handsome in a way that I find attractive, but even that wasn't enough.

It started with his smell. That's always a clincher (or declincher) for me. Then it seemed as if everything I found out about him (almost everything--I'll be honest because I did see him smoking once--and I am a self-admitted Nazi, right-wing conservative non-smoker) could have been put on a check-list for my perfect guy: good sense of humor, intelligent, artistic, into poetry, likes foreign films, into interesting music (even classical), likes food and cookbooks, enjoys gardening, likes dogs and cats (there's something about a guy who likes cats), likes plays/theater, lived abroad, speaks some French and German, not afraid to be silly, just the right height... so of course I started to fall for him. Jo has been great about staying with Mary so I could go out--and it was so nice to get out! I felt like a human being again.

I started thinking that if this guy didn't kiss me soon, I'd explode. That's where I went wrong. He didn't seem to make any moves. Jo and I decided that he must be waiting for me to make the first move so that later, if things went wrong, he could be guilt-free since he didn't technically start anything. Bonnie agreed that many men don't want to make the first move. I'd never encountered that before. In fact, I've had more experience with trying to avoid their first moves. At any rate, I did make the first move and kissed this guy--just after he'd, in very confused babble, told me that he was seeing another woman--at which, admittedly, my brain had frozen inside my head. He seemed to chide me by saying that we were out in the public too much, so I'd said good night, feeling embarrassed on two counts--kissing him after he said he wasn't free (I've had affairs with two men who weren't free and swore I wouldn't do it again) and trying to kiss him so intensely in public (I never can stop at just one kiss).

I got a very nice email the next day letting me know that he did like me, so everything was kosher, but then I talked to my brother and everything went sour. It turns out that this guy is a major player, although he doesn't seem to really know it. Why didn't my brother tell me before?! I guess he thought I'd be mad at him for interfering. I'd rather have known, so I would have taken it all with a grain of salt and not let myself get sucked in. Now instead of being left with sweet memories, I'm left with acrid ones, tainted with the knowledge that the actions were perhaps premeditated and intended for effect, not ingenuous as I'd supposed.

Jo says I shouldn't but I do feel like a fool. Perhaps this guy looked at me as an easy catch, easy prey. On some level he must have felt sorry for me--a woman who has been so long isolated that she is desperate. I almost was, that's true. Will other men look at me the same way? I've so often thought of trying to find someone to go out with, but I wasn't able to get away. Now that Jo is here, it's possible. She may stay indefinitely and that would make it even more possible, but what man would want that? What man would understand my situation? I should be an attractive catch--someone so caring and loyal. Yes, I seem to be attractive to men in their 50's who want a younger woman who can cook and take care of them. Actually, this experience could really damage my self-confidence. Put it together with the last advance made toward me and I could become a real basket case. But I refuse to do so. I'll try not to become a bitter older woman, but I will strive to be one who is strong and appreciates herself.

I told the guy I just wanted to be friends as that was all my situation afforded so I couldn't see him anymore--I wanted more than was good for me, too, because he wasn't even free. I tried to bow out gracefully. I do so hate confrontation, but perhaps I should have thrown the truth in his face. I liked him too much; that was the whole problem. I still like him because the picture I got of him doesn't coincide with the picture my brother gave to me. I want to delude myself that my brother, who has known this man for about 23 years, was wrong. Well, as my brother said, he is a really nice guy, he's just a womanizer--not a problem if you're not interested in dating him.

Check

Massive case of diarrhea--check. I just grab my ponytail holder, rubber gloves and dark washcloth and go to it. Sometimes I think the stench will knock me over. I guess every parent feels that way at some point or other!

She gets so embarrassed. I guess I would, too. I just tell her it happens to the best of us--obviously, since it happened to her. She just says, "Uh-huh," not getting my joke.

At least I got a couple hours sleep before I had to deal with it. She got really feisty around 7 AM. She wanted to get up and this was her house and she was going to do what she wanted to do! I could barely see straight, let me tell you! I ended up getting her newspaper and putting her music back on that had fallen off and she was pretty much happy as a lark. Strange woman.

Of Course

Of course, her moaning became more intense until I finally realized something was wrong. She started kicking off her cover and wanting to sit up. She was feeling warm to the touch and said her chest was hurting her and she wanted to get up. She always wants to get up when her chest is hurting, which doesn't make any sense to me. I guess she just wants to move. I ran and got her nitroglycerin. There were only two pills left. They seem to help. I think I've got three more in my purse, but I hate to use them. I ordered more yesterday but the refills were out, so we have to wait till they've contacted the doctor. That can take several days. What a pain. Literally, ha, ha!

I've got her lying back with her blanket on again and the light out, but she's been complaining that her upper back on her left side is hurting. This could be the arthritis in her shoulder. Or is it her heart? I put some arnica gel on it. Usually putting a cream on it makes her feel better immediately, but she kept moaning. I put her bean bag behind it and she said that helped even though it didn't feel hot enough to me. She still kept moaning, so I asked if she wanted to listen to some music. Often this will calm her down and help her sleep. She was agreeable, so I got my CD player and put her Ernie Tennessee Ford CD on for her. She's still moaning and "Dear God"-ing, but she says there's nothing I can do for her whenever I ask. Ah, ha--a slight snore! Hallelujah! Thank you, Dear God! Earlier when I asked, she said, "You don't know where my pain is, do you?" She'd never answered that, so I knew something was wrong for sure. Well, I hope she rests now. She'll probably have diarrhea when she wakes up (the doctors don't know why this happens, but it always seems to follow a night of chest pain) and then she'll sleep the rest of the day. (I gave her half an Immodium the other day and then there was nothing for several days, which is just as bad as too much. If she doesn't have a bm for several days and then has a hard time having one, it seems to be very hard on her heart and system in general. Several times I've thought she was a goner. Mom says a lot of people die on the toilet. What an awful way to go!)

Insane

She is driving me insane! I have gotten virtually no sleep yet tonight! She can't breathe; her nose is stopped up, and she has no grasp of what time it is or the fact that she is keeping me from sleeping! I don't know what to do for her! I gave her a Mucinex and I've put peppermint oil under her nose all night long and even given her an Airborne. These are all the natural things I know to do for her. I can't give her a decongestant because of her high blood pressure. Now I've got her sitting up in the living room with a hot toddy--hopefully it will make her go to sleep, whether she can breathe or not. She's drinking it, although she said she didn't like it--I put a lot of honey in it since she likes that so much. I'm so afraid of doing something wrong and killing her. That sounds silly but just put yourself in my place and you'd feel the same, I'm sure.

She keeps making those moaning-esque noises and it's driving me crazy! Usually I tell her to quit and she stops, but she's ignoring me. She does it to amuse herself or because she doesn't realize she's doing it. But it drives me up a wall!

Good, she seems to have stopped.

No, there she goes again. I feel like such a bitch quasi-yelling at her to stop, but it makes me want to pull my hair out--especially at 4 AM.

I got her up to use the potty and then put her in here in the living room and got her settled in her chair with her hot toddy--feet up on a pillow, blanket over her, hot bean bag on her shoulder. Then she says she has to use the potty! I about flipped! So I went and got it and put it next to her chair for her to use in here. I didn't want to risk getting her to the toilet after she'd drunk some hot bourbon, you know? Sure enough, she did pee--about a thimble-full. I'll just keep it in the next room in case she has to go again.

Good--she seems to be going to sleep. But what about me? I'm wrecked! Am I a selfish beast? I feel like one. It's not like I have to get up and go to a job site tomorrow. I guess it's just that I haven't been sleeping well lately and was really hoping I'd get some sleep tonight. I was already awake till about 1:30 or 2 reading and then still couldn't sleep. She kept calling me in to tell me she couldn't breathe. I feel so sorry for her but also pissed off because there's nothing I can do for her and she's like a baby that doesn't understand and expects me to fix her.

Well, I'm going to make sure she's finished her drink and then maybe I can turn the light out and lay back down on the couch and get some sleep. I went for a walk with Bella this afternoon in Cherokee Park and made sure I only had one cup of tea (I don't drink much coffee in the fall or winter.), but it doesn't seem to have done much good in fighting my insomnia. Oddly enough, I was so sleepy all day, I just wanted to close my eyes and nap. (Now I'm really waking up and getting chatty.) I made a rhubarb pie the night before last and we ate the whole thing yesterday! Well, I gave 1/3 of it to Mom because she gave me the rhubarb--the last bit out of the garden. It's unusual to get some so late and it was a bit tough and not as sour as the earlier stuff but still rhubarb--yum, yum, pig's bum! I think the crust was the best I've ever made. Jo said she'd never had a rhubarb pie with custard in it. That's the only recipe I've ever had. It's so delish I wouldn't want to try another. Fred swears you have to have strawberries with your rhubarb, but I've never had that.

Mary's saying, "Red hair. She's cute," then laughing. Why do old people see things? Jo thinks they see things that we don't but I'm not sure about that. I guess I'll never know. Damn, she's not going to sleep; she's looking at one of her photo albums! I finally got around to getting some prints made and putting them in there. Can she even see anything? She doesn't have her glasses on. Maybe if/when I turn the light out... argh. As I always say, if it's not one thing, it's your mother; and if it's not your mother, it's your aunt ;-)

Sleepless

I can't sleep for some reason. Maybe it has something to do with the headache I've had since dinner. And maybe that has something to do with the glass of red wine I had with dinner--which definitely had something to do with the hour or so I spent making spanikopita! Of course, Mary, whom I had parked in front of the television (Animal Planet), kept calling me to ask if there was anything she could do. I hate that I lose my patience (and try not to let her perceive this), but it always seems that when I'm doing something especially tedious, she calls me more often to offer her help. I wish I had more for her to do, but she's able to do less and less. I still get her to sharpen knives (damn, she's so good at it!), but sometimes I worry how I'd explain if something happened and I had to take her to the ER. Somehow I don't think they'd understand my letting a 96-year-old sharpen my kitchen knives!

So, anyway, I can't sleep. It's uncommonly warm tonight. It's been so nice to have cool nights. Bella and I have definitely been sleeping better. And I guess Rudi has, too, since he doesn't have to follow me back and forth between my bed and the couch, as I try to find somewhere that induces me to sleep a bit.

I haven't written in a long time, have I? Half a year. I can't remember much about May. JoAnn moved in at the end of June. The first couple of weeks were wonderful and then the next couple were terrible (as the novelty wore off) and then things settled down (no thanks at all to my lack of communication skills) and have been alright since. Jo's great about staying with Mary so I can have time off, and that's rather invaluable. I've been able to go for walks and go out to concerts. I even went out with a guy several times, but it didn't work out. A real pity. At any rate, I'll be glad that Jo will be here through Christmas and she may even stay longer. She was supposed to leave in January, but the apartment she planned to move to may not be available. It's very convenient for her here since her workplace is just down the road. We'll just have to play it by ear.

I think I tend to have a mid-summer slump, and this year was no exception. I start feeling like I'm wearing a straight-jacket, and I get absolutely nothing done. I mentioned to Dr R that I had occasional bouts of mild depression and she said she'd wondered for years when I was going to say something! I was divided about trying anything, so I agreed to a six-week trial period. She put me on Fluvoxamine, which is an SSRI that's especially good for OCD. The first two weeks I was miserable--sick to my stomach and nauseous. I had less and less energy and desire to do anything, which made taking care of Mary difficult, so I cut my dose in half, which the doctor agreed was a good idea. I just had a check-up last week and she was very pleased with my progress. I started taking the whole dose and I haven't had any problems. It's odd. I don't feel happier--I'd thought I'd feel giddy with happiness or something, but I laugh more and sing more (egads!) and play more music CDs. I seem to slowly be getting things in order more, too. I remember when I used to have no problem getting things done. I hope I can return to that. I know that deep down I'm afraid to have nothing to do because I'm afraid I'll get depressed. I detest that feeling of looking at things that used to interest me and feeling a blankness, if not a repulsion, inside. (It's like how they say that the opposite of love is not hate but apathy.) Like a gaping hole. I still sometimes feel that but I seem better able to combat it. I've been exercising more since I got the elliptical machine from April and Lee, so I'm sure that has helped. Also, I've lost some weight and that always makes a person feel better. I even got my hair cut, although I don't much care for the results! Dr R said she wanted to see the gray gone the next time I come in, so I've made an appointment to get that done (and maybe my cut straightened out a bit) this week. I'm not completely sure about dying my hair again. I hate to spend the money and there's the feeling that I'm not being honest about who I am, but I do feel that it makes me look old and if I want to be attractive to men, then I need to feel good about how I look. I think there is a bit of not caring about my appearance that went along with letting my hair go gray. Mom isn't being very supportive, although she's trying her best. She does want what's best for me even if she doesn't agree with the means to that end.

All of this makes me wonder whether this depression business (as well as the OCD) really runs in the family, as I think it does, or whether it's just a case of caregiver blues. I'm pretty sure I've had my problems for a long, long time. Maybe my situation exacerbated my tendencies. Maybe getting older was bringing my problems to a head. My brother Kevin thinks the medicine is just a temporary fix and shouldn't be a crutch, but Dr R seems to think it's a chemical imbalance that will need to be straightened out the rest of my life, like a diabetic needing insulin--which makes a lot of sense to me. I'm glad I've started opening up to her.

Oh, I entered a cookie recipe contest this summer and my recipe was chosen as one of the runners up! Here's a link to the story:
http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/cookie-swap

I took some Tylenol, but my headache isn't any better--and I'm sure staring at a computer screen isn't helping, so I should go soon.

Mary is pretty much the same as always. She's more forgetful and talks more about "going home," which I never know how to respond to. Her shoulder hurts her a lot--arthritis. I give her Tylenol, but it doesn't seem to help much. She can't remember what she's done to it to make it hurt so much. She has more chest pain at night than ever before. She hasn't had a UTI for a few months--yeah! But she does have more lose stool than ever, which really gets me down. I get so tired of cleaning her. She bares it patiently. I think she really enjoys having Jo here.

Angie had some trouble in the summer and was in the hospital. We haven't talked to her for a couple of months. I guess I got full-up of her. It's so hard to talk to her on the phone, anyway. And she's so negative. Tom also had a bad time. He called and left a message the other day and sounded really good. Who knows how Anna is doing? Mom is more and more forgetful but otherwise pretty well. She had a bad cold at the beginning of the summer and lost her sens of taste and smell. Sounds like that's the fate of her family genes.

My head's splitting, I've got to go!