Joy in the Moment

After dinner, Mary and I dipped the rest of the peppermint marshmallows we had made. I found a tub of dipping chocolate in the fridge that has been there since at least when I moved in six years ago. It still looked alright, so I thought we’d use it up. It’s a little too sweet for my taste, but it dipped better than the dark chocolate stuff we used last time.

I could just feel this vibe coming from Mary as she sat next to me, making sure I had another marshmallow ready to dip—she was having fun. So I said, “I’m having fun! What about you?” and she replied, “Oh, yes, honey! They’re really beautiful!” She’s so cute! She must have made a lot of candy because she’s got a load of dipping chocolate. I remember the Rocky Road, Mounds and chocolate coated nuts she made when I first moved in.

I had covered a cookie tray with waxed paper, but we ran out of space, so I set the tray on the stove-top (they were drying already, so I didn’t think I needed to put them in the fridge) and got a small piece of waxed paper to finish up. When we had done the last marshmallow (the last few were just barely covered and looked pretty bad), I got up to put the utensils in the sink, and Mary mentioned again how beautiful they were. I had a thought, a hunch. I said, “You know, we’ve got a whole nother over here on the stove.” She made some sort of reply which egged my hunch on further, so I brought them round for her to see. “Oh, honey! Where did you get those? They’re even prettier than the others!” She was so tickled with them—and hadn’t a clue that we had just done them together a few minutes earlier! I hope it’s a sign that I’ve grown up in the last year because I didn’t make a point of telling her that we’d done them together and thereby pushing her to admit that she had forgotten. I guess I used to feel like I had to tell her what she’d forgotten. Did I think it would help her remember? Now I just kind of play along.

Lead a Horse to Water

I’m trying to get Mary to drink more water. Instead, she used it to water the rose plant sitting next to her chair!

I’d like to see a list of all the things a person is supposed to do every day. I bet it would take up a whole page!

I put all her old photos (and some newspaper clippings) in a photo album. I’m in the process of writing notes in the memo areas. She looked at it for around two hours yesterday and she’s looking at it again today. This makes me so happy. I remember when I drug those photos out about four or five years ago. She said then that she didn’t like looking at photos. I wonder why she said that. Most of them are of her and Bill, her first husband. Luckily, I made notes then on the backs of many of them.

I have her listening to a CD from her church with headphones. I know I’m wicked, but this keeps her out of my hair ( I mean, it makes me feel less guilty about puttering around the house and not giving her any attention.

I thought it was around 2:30 PM but it’s almost 5 PM. The Cubans next store had a party last night. I slept on the couch till around 2 AM, and then moved to my bed because it was quiet. However, at 4:30 AM they started it up again. Plus, people were leaving and every time they started their car, loud music came pouring out. I tried not to be upset and to take a positive outlook. I thought maybe I could go ahead and get up. But that droning beat drives me bananas! It’s so depressing! I finally went over and asked them to turn it down. They did so immediately, thank goodness. I’m always filled with trepidation when I go over there. At any rate, I feel like I have a hangover this morning. It took a long time to get back to sleep and then I slept in. Mary, oddly enough, slept better last night than she has for ages! Didn’t get up once!

I’m starting to believe that I only feel good about two weeks out of the month. No wonder I so often feel like I don’t get anything done! Speaking of which, I’d better get my nose back to the grindstone.

Sleepless

I can't sleep. I stayed up too late reading emails and browsing the internet (about migraines--talking about a moronic thing to do since staring at a computer screen late into the night causes migraines). I crawled in bed with Mary, which is a silly thing I do. She's always so warm! Eventually, her snoring wakes me up and I have to go to my own bed, which is then painfully cold. I thought old people were supposed to be cold, but as I always tell her, she's a mean, lean, heat-producing machine.

Now I can't sleep because I keep thinking about Chris. That's depressing me. And I'm thinking about money, which is depressing, too. I feel like I always spend too much. I can hold back for a while but then, kaboom, I blow a wad. Not that I think I'm abnormal. In fact, I think compared to the average person, I probably do pretty well. But, then, I don't think the average, well, let me change the above statement to "American" instead of just "person," I don't think the average person does well with money at all. But what do I know? I mean, who is the average American, really? How can we know? From the census? From our friends? From TV or radio? Magazines? There are so many people out there (advertisers, mostly) telling us who we are that sometimes it's hard to know who we really are, muchless who everyone else is. The problem is that it's not healthy to isolate yourself. It's funny. I remember a college professor talking to us about the myths about ourselves that surround us , mostly propagated by advertisers. I remember not having a clue about what he was talking about! And you know what? I think back then I really wasn't much influenced by advertisers.

I'm stressing about the yard, for one thing. Everyone around us (except for the Cubans) has such nice yards. Mary has nice bushes but there are a lot of weeds growing around them. I can see that at one time there was mulch there and I'd like to put some more around them, but I know it will be expensive (not to mention back-breaking). I also need to replace a bush that died. The yardman last year was supposed to do that but he never did. I'd also like to put out some fertilizer to help kill the weeds, but you also have to have that little spreader-thingy. I spent so much on bulbs last year... speaking of which, two of the things I planted turned out to be the wrong product. I'd be mad as hell, but I don't have the energy. I ordered white crocuses and the ones that came up were white with purple veins. Also, I ordered red tulips and the ones that came up are yellow with some weird pink markings. They're going to send me the proper bulbs in the fall, but, hell, I don't have anywhere else to put them! The company's name is Jung, so don't order from them! They've been nice but that doesn't fix my problem.

I need to go back to bed.

I was thinking about thsoe marshmallows. I made another batch and a half and mixed them together, but it's still incredibly strong. Still opens up your nasal passages. I dipped half in chocolate this evening--with Mary "helping," ie, mostly making annoying comments about the chocolate being too thick and that there wouldn't be enough, although she did throw in a few comments about how pretty they were. I thought they looked awful. But they tasted good. I kind of forced her to eat a few. Then she had a pain in her stomach a little later. She had a pain in her chest this morning. I think it's from the peppermint. I gave her Mylanta and it seemed to help. But I was thinking about how I got this idea of pink, peppermint-flavored marshmallows dipped in dark chocolate and I just had to make them. I also have an idea about adding some bourbon and walnuts and either dark chocolate chips or dipping them. Isn't that weird the way you can get an idea and you've just got to do it? I had an idea about a pink and yellow dress once and had to make it. Then I hated it. I wonder what ever happened to it.

Did I mention that I want to get another photo album for Mary's old pictures (of her and Bill mostly)? I thought this would be a nice project to do at Gina's. Mary loves looking at the album I got for her for Xmas.

The daffodils she was so crazy about have kicked the bucket but she wouldn't let me throw them out.

We have to go to the lawyer's tomorrow to change the alternate executor on Mary's will. I thought we might eat lunch out. And I'd love to find the Liquor Barn and get Mary some more Amaretto and me some Rioja. There I go spending money. No. We should go and come back home. We have plenty of food here at home.

Ok, back to bed.

Funny Things

I recently had The Birth of Venus by Botticelli on the desktop of my laptop. When Mary saw it, she was rather scandelized and asked if I knew any of those people! I got a good laugh out of that.

One of my sister-in-laws may have to stay with her mother full-time for a while. She asked me how I find meaning in my life with Mary. I told her I guessed I was really in love with Mary since I found her so adorable. I also told her that I love to cook and bake and that I can request things from the library online and that I try to exercise and stay healthy. I don't think she really understood. Am I weird that I'm satisfied here? My life seems so very full to me, but I know that most people pity me and see it as so empty.

I always have such vivid and strange dreams but one the other night has really stayed with me. In my dream Mary wanted to adopt a baby boy and so the social worker came and decided to let her, since she had the money. I was freaked out, thinking about how I'd be responsible for him after Mary passed away, that he wouldn't be like a dog or cat that would die in about 10 or 15 years. I told her that it wouldn't stay cute and would become spoiled and naughty but she didn't care. Also, I was worried that he'd be ugly--we had to take whichever one they gave us. This was all a combination of my own thoughts about getting another cat, watching Desparate Housewives and reading the Nurse Matilda books.

I picked some daffodils from the garden. They're the ones that are whit on the outside and deep orange on the inside. Mary is so enamoured of them. She just repeats over and over that they are so beautiful. I'm glad she enjoys them so much. I just answer, "Yes, they are."

We should have gone to visit Angie today since the weather was so nice, but I just didn't feel like it. Mary tried to call her several times, but no one answered. Anna didn't answer either, so I got her to call Mom. Mary had had a bit of a High Ball (hee, hee) and Mom had had a beer, so they were both quite talkative. It was really funny.

Tumbles and Candy

Mary took a tumble in the bathroom this evening. I thought I could run in real quick and close the blinds and turn on the light in the living room while she was on the potty. As I left the room I saw her getting up to wipe herself and the thought crossed my mind that I shouldn't leave, that she could fall, but I ignored it. Sure enough, as I pulled the blind closed, I heard the clatter. I think she just lost her balance. She said she hit her ear and that was all. There wasn't any mark or anything and I was able to just lift her up. She could help a bit by holding onto the cabinet, thank goodness. She never complained of anything other than her ear hurting, so I think she was alright. I wonder if the shots I give her every morning for her bones are helping. Her balance and walking have been very bad lately, though. I should get her up to walk more, but I get busy. And I hate to make her work. Isn't that crazy? Well, she hates to work, too. As she walked back into the living room, I was told her how shaken I was. She said she was perfectly fine and not shaken at all. I commented on how well she was walking--better than in a long time--and said maybe she should take a tumble more often. She said, "Oh, don't encourage me!" She's so funny!

I've had a headache and migraines for the last five days. I haven't been doing anything round here and it's getting to look so bad. The carpet that Bonnie cleaned is dirty again. On Thursday when Bonnie came, I had taken to bed and just stayed there. She was a real sweetie and cleaned up the kitchen. I hadn't done dishes for days. I hope this is over with soon.

We're supposed to leave for St L next Thursday. I hope Mary enjoys the visit this time as much as the last.

Yesterday Mary suddenly said, "We used to make candy all the time." So I asked if she wanted to make some candy, to which she replied, "Oh, I don't care," which I guessed meant yes. So I got out my candy book and she read the directions for marshmallows to me. (I'm bound and determined to become a marshmallow officianado.) I've been wanting to make peppermint flavored marshmallows and color them pink and dip them in dark chocolate. I set the mixer on a low table where she could see the gelatine-sugar mixture becoming marshmallow. Well, I put in far too much peppermint oil. They taste like Altoids! They really clear your sinuses up! The color is very pretty, though, which makes you just want to dive into them. I guess I'll make some plain ones and then melt the flavored ones together with it. Sounds like a mess! One thing I have decided is that even though all the directions I've read say to beat them for at least 15 minutes, they are really done after 7 minutes and they'd be easier to pour into the pan because the mixture will be warmer. I don't think it will affect the consistency. I wish I knew exactly what sort of candy Mary would like to make. She can't tell me. Personally, I'd like to make some nougat! Well, we've got to get out of this marshmallow scrape first.