I'm actually feeling depressed for the first time since I can remember. Jo is gone for the weekend (to see a "Bodies" exhibit, I think), so that's probably why I feel lonely and blue. I was fine until we were watching a video about Marc Chagall and I think something about the weirdness of his juxtaposition of images, the foreign-ness of it, started effecting me, so by the time it was over, I was feeling yucky emotionally.
Oddly enough, although I'm missing Jo, I also sense a sort of, for lack of a better word, freedom and return to former self. I've been so remiss of my former ability to get things done--although I recall markedly that I usually went to bed feeling like I had gotten nothing done. I can't remember the last time I stuck to my Task Schedule (where I have a certain few things to do on each day). I also cannot seem to get the mail looked at and dealt with--consequently, problems keep arising and every time I think about taxes, I get broiling stomach ache. Other things just get in the way. Like...doing little things for Mary, my cake decorating stuff (lent some urgency by way of having a class each week and also by my own personal enthusiasm), other household tasks such as sweeping the floor, vacuuming, laundry, dishes... and then there're other silly whims such as email, MySpace and eBay. Not to mention the guy I like, J. Yes, I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about him--especially when I should be sleeping, so that I seem to lie awake half the night and must sleep in till at least 10:30 and then feel tired all day. And once again I am made aware of the futility of this infatuation by my brother telling my mom that J has been hitting on a woman whose husband died recently. J and I were recently quite intimate, but we didn't "go all the way," and since then he has been more distant than before. That makes me very happy that I stuck to my guns but also disappointed that he is...what can I say without being judgmental? I want to say that he is so shallow, but who am I to judge his needs/desires? Oh, the whole subject is getting so that it bores me to death, as my mom says--meaning that it annoys her :-) Che sera, sera, non c'e? Especially since Jo is going to be teaching Monday through Thursday night next quarter, so I'd have even less time to do things with J anyway. He's smart to find someone else to go out with.
OK, enough about me--to Mary. I have discovered some good things.
- I have always struggled with getting tops off her when the neck opening is rather small. I have finally realized that I need to pull the front up over her face before or at the same time as I pull the back up over her head. Sounds simple, but it has taken me years to understand this. In the same vein, the sleeves need to go on the arms with the top on the top of her arm, so that they are lined up properly. For years I struggled with twisting them into the proper position after I got the shirt on. Duh! Also, the sleeves need to be pulled up at least to the elbow before the neck goes over the head.
- If Mary falls, the best way to get her up is to pull the wheelchair (or a chair) up behind me and put the walker in front of her--her legs will be straight out in front of her (hopefully). She might also need some sort of small rug to brace her feet on if the floor is slippery. I then pull up under her arms (ugh!) and pull her onto my lap as I sit in the chair. Then I stand her up and move out, maybe pulling the chair closer to her and let her sit. I've done this several times and, while it still requires some herculean effort, which I will pay for the next day, it is doable and works and is fairly safe for us both.
- To clean Mary's nails when she has gotten feces in them from wiping (since she often doesn't realize how far back she's going or forgets that the back is my area), I put a little liquid soap in her spit bowl (from the hospital) and put the nail brush in there and cover the brush with warm water. Then I hold this on top of a towel (in case it spills) in front of her while she's still sitting on the potty and let her run her nails over the brush. You can't imagine how frustrated I've been with trying to get her nails clean at the sink. She can't stand that long and so I end up propping her up with my knee and we both get tired. Sometimes I would brush her nails for her to get it done faster but the last time I tried that, I had to step a bit to the side to reach her better and she slowly slid over until she was on the floor. Argh! Now I can get her nails clean and don't have such a fit when she gets them nasty dirty. Of course, I'm still majorly annoyed because she has probably drug feces over her urethra and vagina and has thereby greatly increased the chances that she'll be getting another UTI soon, but since I can't do much about that--I can't not let her wipe herself at all--it's better to just not get upset about it.
- If I need to work in the kitchen after dinner (usually washing dishes or baking a cake), I can set up my laptop on a little table and box so it's at Mary's eye-level and put in a DVD for her to watch. This has worked fairly well if the movie has kids in it. I also put headphones on (along with the subtitles) so that she can hear it. Without them, she really can't hear the dialog.
