Lighter and Darker Sides

Something strange happened today. I took Mary to the potty and ran to use the bathroom myself. When I came back, she was acting strange. She said she couldn't hold her head up and her speech go increasingly slurred. I wet a wash cloth with cold water but she couldn't even wipe her face, so I did it. She seemed like she was going to pass out, and all I could think was that I had to get her in her bed (or maybe even call an ambulance) and she'd just had a BM and hadn't wiped yet! Then it occured to me that I hadn't given her her pills yet. In fact, I hadn't given her her potassium in two days since I ran out before I could get more. (I had ordered a refill over the phone but somehow it didn't go through and I didn't realize until too late.) So I ran and put her teaspoon of potassium in some juice and gave it to her. By the time she'd finished drinking it, she was better. Was it the potassium? I thought she'd had a stroke. What was it?

I got her cleaned up and put her in her chair and wheeled her into her room where I put her to bed, sitting up, and gave her a cookie and then the rest of her pills. (I think she's not supposed to lie down after taking some of her pills.) She was fine. Great, in fact. I read to her and after a while she got up and went back out onto the back porch. Had she maybe been too hot? It does get hot out on the back porch.

On a lighter side... last night I saw Mary studying the white board with everyone's telephone numbers. Suddenly she said, "Well, everyone's on there but me!" I explained to her that those were the numbers she might want to call, so that's why she wouldn't be on there. That didn't seem to make sense to her and she remained upset. I finally told her I could put hers on there, but she said no and then forgot about it.

Now on a darker side... I went to pick up Mary's prescription for Cilostazol and the pharmacist started asking me about whether she'd ever had congestive heart failure because she takes Coreg, which is for chf patients and Cilostazol is dangerous for those who've had a level 3 or 4 chf. Well, to be honest, about 3 or 4 years ago when Mary was in the hospital for a hip operation (I think that's what it was), they did say she had had chf. Howerver, I think it was their fault because her catheter (sp?) wasn't draining properly and I told them that, but they ignored me and then her organs got backed up, which caused her chf. So it wasn't a condition she would have otherwise have had. Also, she kept having chest pains and they couldn't decide if it was her heart or her stomach (indigestion), so they put her on medicine for both things. Ever since that, whenever she's had chest pain, I give her Mylanta and maybe something with carbonation, she belches and then she feels better. So I don't think she has heart problems, so I let her take the Cilostazol. Well, the pharmacist said to talk to Dr R about it. When I told him that I had already told Dr R that she was taking this new medication, he made a comment that he and another pharmacist (who has much more experience) don't care much for Dr R. I'd just come from having to replace all four of my tires and a few days ago I found out I have several cavaties that need to be filled. I tel you, I just felt like my world was crashing down around me. I'll call Dr R tomorrow and ask her about it. What should I do? Mom says she trusts Dr R and never had any problems with her. But I haven't been very satisfied with my Prevacid/Zantac situation. (Both of them made me feel worse than ever.) I seriously feel that Mary could leave off half of her medication and not have any problems, but they leave her on them since she's doing ok. Should I be satisfied with that? Why mess with success? But I will talk to her about the Cilostazol. I would also like to know what level her chf was. This is all giving me a headache!

In addition to all this, I'm started to wonder if I don't really have a problem with depression. Even if it's a low-grade depression. I feel constantly hindered by a lack of something--interest, enthusiasm, energy--to do even the simplest tasks. Yet I don't want to take something and have annoying side effects. And I can't really afford any medication. Plus, I don't feel confident about talking to Dr R about being depressed. Like she would think less of me or not believe me. I also think it's a genetic thing, not just my situation. I think I've been suffering from it for a long time and just didn't realize it.

Poo Poo the Moon

I put Mary to bed and when I left she called out to me, "Thank you, honey, for everything you've done for me." Argh! That kills me when she says that! Man, she really know how to get to a person. Well, she wasn't married three times for nothing. I always answer her, "Well, thank you for everything you've done for me." I told her that she keeps me from being lonely and that was worth a lot. She'll always answer, "Well..." I guess she doesn't know what else to say :-)

I went into her room to show her the moon because it's going to be full soon. As she sat up to look at it, she farted. I said, "Well!" and she said, "Poot, poot. Poo poo the moon." She's so cute!

This moring I was feeling so worthless. I read her an article from "Guideposts" last night about a granddaughter who put her grandmother in an assisted living place because she had alzheimer's. I don't know anyone else who has made the decision that I have made. Am I stupid? Lazy? How could I chose to stay with Mary instead of persuing a career? Or even a life? I still feel like I dont' have a job. That makes me feel worthless according to my society's standards.

The Zoo

I told Mary last week that we were going to the zoo. They got a new exhibit (Lorikeets from Australian that land on you and you give them nectar) that I'd love for her to see. I decided not to go because it was too late and too expensive. Then out of the blue the other day she suddenly said, "Aren't we supposed to go to the zoo?" I nearly fell out of my chair! So I told her we'll go when it gets a bit cooler. It's in the upper 80's every day this week and that's too hot for her. I just need to decide whether to go on a weekday or a weekend (so she can see the kids). But it is expensive--$10.95! ($2 off for seniors)

I think a mosquito bit her neck while we were out on the swing the other day. She had a dark blue bruise about the size of a quarter. The next day the redness was paler but it had spread. Today it's almost gone but itchy. I hope she's ok. Am I a worry wart?

Verbal Diarrhea

Mom asked me the other day if I’d go with her to Macy’s to get some new shoes (for my nephew’s wedding). She wanted me to go when Bonnie came but, to be honest, I knew that would mean I wouldn’t get to go to the gym, so I asked her if we could go the next day and take Mary. We both agreed that it would be good for Mary to get out, so we went yesterday.
Boy, Mary was in no mood to go out, let me tell you! She was being as stinky as she could–even though I put one of her favorite tops on her and a necklace and some rings. She said she was just so sleepy. This worries me a bit because she’s laid down to take two naps this past week. Is she just getting older? Is she not sleeping well at night? Is she ill?

Well, as Mary said, she has to do what I tell her! So she came along. Once we got in the car, she was better. I mean, she does really like going out. I wish we’d gone to the fancy part of town, b/c that’s her "old stomping ground" (as she calls it). We went to the store that was closer. Their selection of shoes on sale wasn’t very good. I bet they would have been better at the other store. Mom didn’t think so.

Unfortunately, Mom didn’t find any to go with her dress, but she did find a really nice comfortable pair of sandals. I caught sight of these slip on, loafer-style swede shoes. They weren’t on sale. Liz Claiborne. I got a pair. I hope they’ll last me the rest of my life! They’re beautiful. I also (God help me) opened an account with them so that I could get a 20% discount.
When I was finished, I joined Mom (and Mary, who didn’t seem to be too present to the situation) in the kitchen-wares section. We ended up getting a 10-piece pots and pans collection (all-metal, no Teflon) for Shawn and Amanda. I hope they use them and aren’t afraid since they aren’t Teflon-coated. I’ll have to be sure to write them a note about baking soda and vinegar.
Using my new card, we got 30% off! I wanted so badly to get some other kitchen equipment, but couldn’t find anything we really needed–their selection wasn’t so great. (I’d really like to get a huge silicone mat like Mom has for rolling out dough on. That’s probably the thing I like least about Mary’s house–no kitchen table to work on. Oh, well. It’s probably for the best–keeps me form baking even more!) Oh, I also got a Wilson cookie press for Gina. I’m so excited! She bought one a few years ago but it was broken. She couldn’t take it back b/c she’s lost the receipt or didn’t know where she’d gotten it or something. I always take mine when I go to make Xmas cookies and was determined to give it to her last year but couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s something that the boys can use and get into. Cookie press cookies were a big deal during our Xmas cookie making when we were kids.

On our way out of the store (ahem), I ended up getting Mary two shirts–a black one with fold-down collar and ¾ length sleeves, and lime/pea green one with a round neck and long sleeves. The other day when I put my black t-shirt on, she mustered me really well and I knew what she was thinking when out came, "Do I have a black shirt like that?" She loves black, but, as I told her, I didn’t like her in black. I like her in colors. Well, needless to say, she is absolutely tickled pink with her new tops! I showed them to her several times yesterday evening and she just carried on and carried on about them. Who would think a 94-year-old would still be interested in new clothes?!

Oh, I also got a pretty wrap-around skirt that was on clearance. It has a black background and delicate largish roses and irises on it. The material is sort of like veiling or scarf material and it has a black lining. Size 10 and it fits! That’s the problem–I’m size 10 around my waist but size 20 around my hips! Anyway, the shoes were size 6 ½ and I wear size 7, so those expensive things are always the wrong size–I guess it makes those who can afford them feel better.
As usual, spending money makes me feel ill.
The kitty is trying to get into my lap.

After much soul-searching, I still couldn’t decide whether to donate some money to the Red Cross for Mary for the Katrina Relief Fund. I finally asked her again last night what she thought about giving some and reminded her that I’d given $50. She surprised me by saying that if I’d given $50, then surely she could give at least that much. Maybe Angie’s trying to make us feel bad for getting new clothes when all those people don’t have any clothes anymore actually sank in. Plus, she reads about it every day in the paper and sees about it on the TV. So she’s more with it than a lot of people think. Well, while I was at it, I also went to the Noah’s Wish website and donated $50 for Mary. I believe she would like to help the animals. Now if there’s a story on TV about it, I can tell her that she gave them money and it will make her feel good. Mary never did give to any charity that I know of–other than her church and now she feels deserted by them. I like to try to give something b/c it’s a reminder to myself that no matter how little I have, there are those who have less. However, I was hesitant to spend Mary’s money b/c then is she one day doesn’t have any, I’ll look back and feel guilty. But I do think she can afford it.
Mary seems to have really gotten used to the Forteo shots, btw. I’m so glad. I hated arguing with her every morning and having her be stinky. It’s not like I enjoy giving her the shot!
Did I mention that the roof has a leak? I called one company in to check it. They said $650 to repair it. I guess I’ll have to end up getting a new roof put on. I need to call two other companies and get their estimates and the insurance company to see if they’ll pay for any of it. I hate taking care of things like that! I guess I’m just so worried about getting screwed.

I also need to get Mary (and myself) to the dentist. And a thousand other things: straighten up and organize the basement, get the ceiling fan put in on the back porch, get the refund for the electric mower (remind me to tell you what I like and dislike about it), make those cinnamon rolls I’ve been promising Mary for ages, unpack my books... and eventually I think I’ll need to get a new linoleum floor in the kitchen. Gerard and Kenny did it and they did the worst job possible. Oh, if I’d been here at that time, heads would have rolled! Disgraceful! It’s pulling away from the wall and getting small tears in it here and there. And what they put on the steps leading to the garage is coming up, which is very dangerous. Oh, I also need to see about taking Mary to the podiatrist again. And I’d like to do some more landscaping in the yard and order some bulbs for next spring. I’d like to put tulips between the roses. I wonder if that’s a good idea.

But it doesn’t seem to matter what I have to or want to do–I feel like I’m constantly in a straight jacket. Mom said she does, too, and she thinks it’s normal, but I don’t. I think it’s depression and that it runs in my family. And that it’s also from the stress of being a caregiver. But I don’t have the nerve to talk to my doctor about it. Help!

Nap

Mary is lying down, taking a nap. I'm in shock. She hasn't done this for about four years. I hope she's ok!

I tried to give her the first Forteo shot today. Apparently, I didn't press down on the button at the end of the shot-pen and so didn't give her a full dose. Great. Well, I'm sure I'll get it right tomorrow. I really hate to give her a shot every day--almost as much as she hates to get it, but this is such a good drug. I hope it doesn't leave little red dots all over her stomach. I had to give her shots for something before and it left little red dots. The place where I stuck her kept bleeding for quite a while. I just had her finally hold the piece of alcohol-soaked cotton on it. Wouldn't you know that I got a migraine sometime last night? So I felt like shit this morning and it was so hard to concentrate to try to get it all straight. I mean, it's not that difficult, but they include so much other information in the directions, it's difficult to sift through it all.

I told Mary yesterday that I had given $50 to the Red Cross for the Hurricane Relief Fund and asked if she wanted to give anything. She said ok, looking rather pained at having her hand forced in this way. I asked her how much she wanted to give and she said, "Oh, three or four dollars."

Have I told you about the hair brush? I bought a bristle boar hairbrush for myself--very selfish of me. I used Mary's card but intended to pay her back. Well, I couldn't get the damned thing through my hair, which is too thick. So I used it on Mary one day. She fell in love. Every time I use it, she says, "That feels so good!" For a long time she asked me where I got and often said that she'd have to get one. I think she finally got the message that this one was hers. Sometimes she even remembers where I got it. When I get it out, she says, "I like that brush!" A few times I've just kept brushing, to see how long she'd let me. I finally had to stop because she seemed to be falling asleep! I think she'd let me do it for hours! It really is a good brush for her hair, anyway--it makes her hair stay really flat against her head and makes it very shiny. I imagine it does feel good. I'm quite jealous--I wish I had someone to brush my hair!

My birthday was on the 29th of August. Instead of a gift, I asked that Mom and Mary go to the art museum to see an impressionist exhibit and have a bite to eat at the cafe there, so that's what we did on the Saturday before. It was so crowded! Bad day, but I was glad to see so many people there. (I think everyone thought it was going to rain, which it didn't do.) Mom seemed to enjoy the exhibit even more than I did, which was probably the best present of all. I was so busy maneuvering Mary around the other visitors, that I couldn't really enjoy myself. Plus, at the end Mary got tired of sitting (I forgot her seat cushion, or tushy-cushy, as I call it), so we had to run. It was interesting that Mom, as a former dabbler in art, saw things that I would never have seen. I wondered if it was as painful for her as going to a voice recital would have been for me. I don't know what Mary got out of it. I don't think much. She seemed to enjoy the room with the vases/glass sculptures more. Maybe she enjoys more practical things or more three-dimensional things. The cafe was like a box or closet and I was glad to get out. They had the room painted maroon and there were no windows. Ugh! The fish was good but the rest wasn't. At least Mom and Mary were pleased with it all, so I shouldn't be so critical. Do I distinguish what I like from what I dislike so that I can enjoy what I like more? Or do I just look for something to be disgruntled about?

Well, Mary half hour is up. I don't think she went to sleep. Will she want to get up?