Moving On

Mary slept almost all day. I hope and pray she does well tonight. I've already resolved that if she gets chest pain, I'm going to give her a baby aspirin and if it doesn't go away within, let's say, half an hour, I'll call 911. I hate to drag her to the hospital, but if she were to kick the bucket, I wouldn't want to think that I should have done something and didn't, you know? I with they'd given me nitroglycerine tablets.

At any rate, she is coughing up gunk occassionally, but otherwise she seems much better. I, on the other hand, seem to have caught the cold now. I'm getting a sore throat and felt that odd sleepiness which bodes the arrival of a cold. I've heard that my niece S has it.

Mom was an absolute angel and came over today so that I could go to the pharmacy and grocery. I felt so guilty that she did this for me, but I really appreciated it. She said she hated to leave me because she thought I was depressed. I think I am a bit. I mean, you should see this place. I haven't done much housework for a long time. That's partly from not having any time, but also partly from lack of desire. I have felt rather down lately and that worries me. But I'm getting ready to have my period, so I think that influences your mood, too. I made a huge effort and started cleaning things up after Mom left. On one hand, I'd love to go to a psychiatrist and get medicine to take to fix my apathy and depression and have someone to talk to (except I'm afraid they'd try to fix me, make me change when I don't want to), but on the other hand I feel convinced that depression is just a state of mind and can be conquered by pure will and determination.

I've decided that my New Year's Resolution this year is going to be that I'm going to be a neater person around the house. No more piles of magazines and newspapers and stuff. I'll put things away and keep things tidy. I think that will keep me from getting depressed. Oh, yes, of course I want to exercise more and lose weight, too. That goes without saying. I wish I could have a treadmill so that I could walk at night when we watch TV and then spend more of my time off with Mom. When I belonged to the gym, I would go there instead of visiting with Mom, or I'd visit with Mom and feel guilty about not going to the gym. I guess I should spend less time at the grocery. I want to set a $200/month limit and stick to it. Mary's money isn't endless and I need to be more frugal, considering how much my gum grafting cost and the roof that needs to be repaired. I'll be so relieved when that's finished!

She started asking me again tonight about how we live and where the money comes from. I explained it all and then she asked if I was going to be taken care of. That is so sweet, that she worries about that. I still wonder, though, a bit, what her motivation is. Trying to buy me to take care of her or seeking to be just. She kept saying she wanted to leave me everything and I kept telling her that it was taken care of, except for the house, and then I'd explain about that. It occured to me to just drop it. I don't think I'll mention that again unless she asks me directly. This is obviously a test God has given me. I've got to learn to let this grudge against Aunt Anna go. It's still so difficult to forgive, but I do hate having a hardness in my heart, and I do try to see things from her perspective, as much as I disagree with it.

More Pain

Mary had chest pain again last night. I feel so helpless. I didn't want to take her back to the hospital. Isn't that selfish of me? She just kept moving around. I don't think that's good and kept singing Brahms' Lullaby to her (and putting myself to sleep), but she insisted on sitting up. Around 6 AM I moved her to the living room and gave her a baby aspirin and some carbonated water. She seemed to get better. I hated to give her the aspirirn because she'd had one in the ambulance, and she had the internal bleeding once, but I figured I could leave it out of her usual morning regimen of pills. She used the potty and seemed to feel really better and finally went to sleep. I went back to my bed and didn't get up till around 11 AM. It's noon, but I'm still not awake. Why didn't I ask them at the hospital what to do if she had chest pain again?

Going Out on Friday Night

Well, I ended up calling 911 and having Mary taken to the ER. I had a feeling it would come to that, what with a UTI, a bad cold and chest pain. I fed her a poached egg and toast with a cup of tea for dinner. I had taken her temp before then--100. I noticed after dinner that she was sweating profusely and her temp was the same. I called Mom and she and Dad both said that sweating meant that her fever was breaking, but I had a bad feeling. As soon as I hung up, Mary said her chest was hurting again. I gave her some Mylanta, but I didn't think it was heartburn. I mean, we'd only just finished eating. I think I asked if she wanted some coke to try to belch, but I think she said no. She was sweating more and more and getting really restless, so I called Mom again, who wasn't much help, but I shouldn't expect her to be. I mean, she's not there, so how can she judge? I decided to call 911.

The people in the ER were so nice. It took forever, of course, but I felt patient--probably from experience. Mary wasn't in pain anymore (They'd given her nitrate (?) in the ambulance.), so I was satisfied. I had been a nervous wreck, but I'd had the forethought to bring an extra coat, Mary's knitted cap, my cross stitch work, a book to read and a bar of chocolate, which I ended up giving to the nurse (and which I regretted as our visit extended into the wee hours). I need to fix up a folder with her current medications (and a chart of when she gets what) and her living will, oh, and also the papers from this ambulance company, which they told me to give to the EMTs the next time she needs an ambulance, as it would help them with their paperwork.

The doctor in the ER said that Mary's white bloodcell count was up, so there was an infection of some sort. I told him it was probably a UTI, since I'd noticed that her urine was cloudy the last few days. That turned out to be true. He also said that one of Mary's heart enzymes was up a bit, but since she has an appointment with a cardiologist coming up in the next week or two, they decided (after talking to Dr R), to send her home. Yeah!

So now I need to get to bed! Definitely not the way I want to spend my Friday night, but I can't tell you how relieved I am that I didn't have to take her in to Dr R to get her tested for the UTI!

Heartburn

Note to self: don't give Mary beef at dinner. I think it's too hard for her to digest and gives her heartburn. She had it for three hours last night--from 1 AM to 4 AM. I finally went to sleep even though she still had the chest pain because I just could not hold my eyes open any longer and I didn't think it was bad enough to go to the hospital. It's such an unpleasant place and if they do help you, they take so long before they get to you that you wish you'd stayed home. (I guess that's good system to keep out those who aren't really sick.) She has also caught a cold over Xmas. I saw people kissing her on the mouth and I should have said something. I never let people kiss me on the mouth--too germy! I hope Gina hasn't caught this cold, too. Mary had a sore throat the other night and I gave her Airborne twice that evening. The next day she had a stuffed up nose and I gave her Airborne three times over the course of the day. I hope it helped her. I was careful not to give her the multivitamin I usually give her. She's so miserable and I wish I could help her but I don't know what to do. Also, I'm not sure if her heartburn was really her heart. When I told her she was going to be 96 in a few weeks, so was so shocked and suddenly became quite concerned that she was old enough to die anytime soon.

She moaning a lot right now. She says it makes her feel better. Dr R says it's the toxins in her brain. It drives me nuts. I'm trying to drown it out with soothing music.

Bonnie isn't supposed to come over this week--she's not feeling well and I didn't think we needed anything. I'd also like to take a week without paying her! The coffer is rather low right now, what with my gum surgery. But now I see that the cat is almost out of food--she's eating like a pig right now. But I can give her the dry stuff if I run out of canned, I guess, although I hate to do that. I'd also like to go get some Coricidan for Mary, but I have some other drug for a cough, so maybe I'll just keep giving her that and lots of liquids. I still have cokes if she gets more heartburn, but I hate to give her anything with caffeine in the middle of the night. I've been buying chubs of 7-up or Sprite, but she really rips through those! I guess it tastes good to her in the middle of the night. Also, I think the can looks so small that it encourages her to drink it up.

I think, too, that Mary has another UTI. Her urine has been very cloudy that last few days. Maybe that's why she was susceptible to a cold.

At any rate, I've got so much cleaning up to do around here and I'm so wrecked. Slight migraine from lack of sleep and impending cramps. Where's that EASY button when you really need it?

Medical Stuff

Well, we still haven't left on our trip! We are leaving tomorrow come hell or high water!

I was in such pain yesterday that I decided to go to the periodontist today. He took out the stitches from my palate and basically said that if I think I'm in a lot of pain, then I'm a big baby! No, not really, but they did seem rather blase about my thinking I was in pain. I'll have to put up with the stitches on my bottom gums till Dec. 15. It feels so weird to have a chunk of skin gone from the roof of my mouth and I can move my mouth completely (because of the stitches), but all in all I guess I'm very lucky to have been able to have this procedure so I don't lose my teeth. I've been trying Feldenkrais exercises to relax my pelvis and lower back and neck. I'm sore in lots of odd places. Another intersting thing is that I've had to sleep on my back because the sides of my jaws were swollen (black and blue now), and I believe I have had more pleasant dreams. Maybe the odd dreams I always have are due to not breathing properly!

Enough about me, Mary's having her share of problems at the moment. I took her to Dr R last week because she keeps having heart burn at night and then diarrhea the next morning. Dr R says she wants to send her to a heart and an intestinal specialist when we get back from St L. She said that it's worrisome because Mary's taking a lot of medication for heart burn, so it shouldn't still be breaking through. She also said that we may not be able to do anything about it, but at least we can try to figure out what's wrong.

I also wanted Dr R to see if Mary had a yeast infection or something because her privates were so smelly, even right after I washed her. The pelvic exam was no picnic for any of us! Dr R used a cathater (sp?) to get a urine sample. She just called to tell me that it was dirty, which means that Mary's hallucinating and tiredness are from a UTI. It makes me so mad that sometimes when I give them a urine sample from Mary they tell me that it's clean, but I know she has a UTI. Well, I'm just so relieved that Dr R is calling the antibiotic in tonight and we can get it tomorrow before we leave. It really was providence that we took a week longer to leave. Oh, Dr R also gave Mary a prescription for an antifungal cream that I have to rub around her vagina and vulva twice a day. I told Mary that wasn't in the job description and sang "Getting to Know You" the first time I had to do it. Mary takes it with her usual aplomb. The smell is already gone, so it must be working. There's a lot of cream there, so I guess I'll be doing this for the next month at least. Joy, joy.

Xmas Trip to Gina's

This has turned out to be longest trip I haven't taken yet. I'm so tired of this trip, and we still haven't left yet! Something just keeps coming up. First, I put things off for a day because I'd had my gum grafting and didn't feel like travelling. Then they got an ice storm and Gina's house didn't have any electricity for days. We were supposed to leave this morning, but Rudi wet my bed last night (which I discovered at about 2 AM) and then Mary had hallucinations and heart burn all night. This was followed, as it has been for the last two months, by diarrhea this morning. However, the diarrhea has continued all day, so of course we couldn't travel. That was fine since I had to deal with washing all the sheets and blankets, turning my matress over, washing the dog... Well, it was my fault. I didn't let the dogs out last night. He usually comes to me and lets me know that he has to go out, but he didn't do that last night. Instead, he got in bed with Mary and didn't want to get out when I tried to take him out. I should have just picked him up and carried him out. Live and learn, right?

I just glanced over at Mary. I knew she'd been messing with my cell phone for the last five minutes or so, but at that moment she also had a pair of scissors in her hand! I asked her what she was up to and it disturbed her so that she couldn't remember. She's so funny! I bet she was going to clean out the edges around the keys or something.

I just want to take this opportunity to tell anyone who's interested: don't have gum grafting done unless you absolutely have to and only if you dont' have anything else to do for at least a week! It is no fun.

TV Ears

Santa brought Mary an early Xmas present: TV Ears. They're headphones that go under the chin, not over the head, and have a wireless connection with a device on top of the TV. I'm mostly very happy but there's a lot of white noise, which I think shouldn't be there considering the price ($150). However, Mary doesn't seem to mind the noise and mostly enjoys being able to hear the TV more than the annoyance of having to wear them. After several hours, she gets tired of them, but that's quite understandable. It's great to see her laughing at jokes and exclaiming over interesting facts. I believe she's also staying awake more while the TV is on.

Talking in Her Sleep

Mary seems to talk more and more in her sleep. The other night I heard her say something about, "Democrats... Politicians... Taking everything away from us..." When I asked her about it, she said she is a Democrat and she didn't know what she was talking aobut!

Snoring

Mary was snoring really loudly the other night. She was making a real snorting sound. Then I thought I heard her chuckle. Then she snored some more. So I got up and went in to see what was up. She said she was awake and hadn’t been asleep. I said that couldn’t be true cause I’d heard her snoring. She said, “Like this?” and proceeded to snore with that snorting noise. I couldn’t believe it! She’d been doing it on purpose! She just laughed and said, “Oh, honey. I gotta do somethin’ to pass the time.” I grumpily told her to please find something quieter to do. She’s such a trip!