Moving On

Mary slept almost all day. I hope and pray she does well tonight. I've already resolved that if she gets chest pain, I'm going to give her a baby aspirin and if it doesn't go away within, let's say, half an hour, I'll call 911. I hate to drag her to the hospital, but if she were to kick the bucket, I wouldn't want to think that I should have done something and didn't, you know? I with they'd given me nitroglycerine tablets.

At any rate, she is coughing up gunk occassionally, but otherwise she seems much better. I, on the other hand, seem to have caught the cold now. I'm getting a sore throat and felt that odd sleepiness which bodes the arrival of a cold. I've heard that my niece S has it.

Mom was an absolute angel and came over today so that I could go to the pharmacy and grocery. I felt so guilty that she did this for me, but I really appreciated it. She said she hated to leave me because she thought I was depressed. I think I am a bit. I mean, you should see this place. I haven't done much housework for a long time. That's partly from not having any time, but also partly from lack of desire. I have felt rather down lately and that worries me. But I'm getting ready to have my period, so I think that influences your mood, too. I made a huge effort and started cleaning things up after Mom left. On one hand, I'd love to go to a psychiatrist and get medicine to take to fix my apathy and depression and have someone to talk to (except I'm afraid they'd try to fix me, make me change when I don't want to), but on the other hand I feel convinced that depression is just a state of mind and can be conquered by pure will and determination.

I've decided that my New Year's Resolution this year is going to be that I'm going to be a neater person around the house. No more piles of magazines and newspapers and stuff. I'll put things away and keep things tidy. I think that will keep me from getting depressed. Oh, yes, of course I want to exercise more and lose weight, too. That goes without saying. I wish I could have a treadmill so that I could walk at night when we watch TV and then spend more of my time off with Mom. When I belonged to the gym, I would go there instead of visiting with Mom, or I'd visit with Mom and feel guilty about not going to the gym. I guess I should spend less time at the grocery. I want to set a $200/month limit and stick to it. Mary's money isn't endless and I need to be more frugal, considering how much my gum grafting cost and the roof that needs to be repaired. I'll be so relieved when that's finished!

She started asking me again tonight about how we live and where the money comes from. I explained it all and then she asked if I was going to be taken care of. That is so sweet, that she worries about that. I still wonder, though, a bit, what her motivation is. Trying to buy me to take care of her or seeking to be just. She kept saying she wanted to leave me everything and I kept telling her that it was taken care of, except for the house, and then I'd explain about that. It occured to me to just drop it. I don't think I'll mention that again unless she asks me directly. This is obviously a test God has given me. I've got to learn to let this grudge against Aunt Anna go. It's still so difficult to forgive, but I do hate having a hardness in my heart, and I do try to see things from her perspective, as much as I disagree with it.

More Pain

Mary had chest pain again last night. I feel so helpless. I didn't want to take her back to the hospital. Isn't that selfish of me? She just kept moving around. I don't think that's good and kept singing Brahms' Lullaby to her (and putting myself to sleep), but she insisted on sitting up. Around 6 AM I moved her to the living room and gave her a baby aspirin and some carbonated water. She seemed to get better. I hated to give her the aspirirn because she'd had one in the ambulance, and she had the internal bleeding once, but I figured I could leave it out of her usual morning regimen of pills. She used the potty and seemed to feel really better and finally went to sleep. I went back to my bed and didn't get up till around 11 AM. It's noon, but I'm still not awake. Why didn't I ask them at the hospital what to do if she had chest pain again?

Going Out on Friday Night

Well, I ended up calling 911 and having Mary taken to the ER. I had a feeling it would come to that, what with a UTI, a bad cold and chest pain. I fed her a poached egg and toast with a cup of tea for dinner. I had taken her temp before then--100. I noticed after dinner that she was sweating profusely and her temp was the same. I called Mom and she and Dad both said that sweating meant that her fever was breaking, but I had a bad feeling. As soon as I hung up, Mary said her chest was hurting again. I gave her some Mylanta, but I didn't think it was heartburn. I mean, we'd only just finished eating. I think I asked if she wanted some coke to try to belch, but I think she said no. She was sweating more and more and getting really restless, so I called Mom again, who wasn't much help, but I shouldn't expect her to be. I mean, she's not there, so how can she judge? I decided to call 911.

The people in the ER were so nice. It took forever, of course, but I felt patient--probably from experience. Mary wasn't in pain anymore (They'd given her nitrate (?) in the ambulance.), so I was satisfied. I had been a nervous wreck, but I'd had the forethought to bring an extra coat, Mary's knitted cap, my cross stitch work, a book to read and a bar of chocolate, which I ended up giving to the nurse (and which I regretted as our visit extended into the wee hours). I need to fix up a folder with her current medications (and a chart of when she gets what) and her living will, oh, and also the papers from this ambulance company, which they told me to give to the EMTs the next time she needs an ambulance, as it would help them with their paperwork.

The doctor in the ER said that Mary's white bloodcell count was up, so there was an infection of some sort. I told him it was probably a UTI, since I'd noticed that her urine was cloudy the last few days. That turned out to be true. He also said that one of Mary's heart enzymes was up a bit, but since she has an appointment with a cardiologist coming up in the next week or two, they decided (after talking to Dr R), to send her home. Yeah!

So now I need to get to bed! Definitely not the way I want to spend my Friday night, but I can't tell you how relieved I am that I didn't have to take her in to Dr R to get her tested for the UTI!

Heartburn

Note to self: don't give Mary beef at dinner. I think it's too hard for her to digest and gives her heartburn. She had it for three hours last night--from 1 AM to 4 AM. I finally went to sleep even though she still had the chest pain because I just could not hold my eyes open any longer and I didn't think it was bad enough to go to the hospital. It's such an unpleasant place and if they do help you, they take so long before they get to you that you wish you'd stayed home. (I guess that's good system to keep out those who aren't really sick.) She has also caught a cold over Xmas. I saw people kissing her on the mouth and I should have said something. I never let people kiss me on the mouth--too germy! I hope Gina hasn't caught this cold, too. Mary had a sore throat the other night and I gave her Airborne twice that evening. The next day she had a stuffed up nose and I gave her Airborne three times over the course of the day. I hope it helped her. I was careful not to give her the multivitamin I usually give her. She's so miserable and I wish I could help her but I don't know what to do. Also, I'm not sure if her heartburn was really her heart. When I told her she was going to be 96 in a few weeks, so was so shocked and suddenly became quite concerned that she was old enough to die anytime soon.

She moaning a lot right now. She says it makes her feel better. Dr R says it's the toxins in her brain. It drives me nuts. I'm trying to drown it out with soothing music.

Bonnie isn't supposed to come over this week--she's not feeling well and I didn't think we needed anything. I'd also like to take a week without paying her! The coffer is rather low right now, what with my gum surgery. But now I see that the cat is almost out of food--she's eating like a pig right now. But I can give her the dry stuff if I run out of canned, I guess, although I hate to do that. I'd also like to go get some Coricidan for Mary, but I have some other drug for a cough, so maybe I'll just keep giving her that and lots of liquids. I still have cokes if she gets more heartburn, but I hate to give her anything with caffeine in the middle of the night. I've been buying chubs of 7-up or Sprite, but she really rips through those! I guess it tastes good to her in the middle of the night. Also, I think the can looks so small that it encourages her to drink it up.

I think, too, that Mary has another UTI. Her urine has been very cloudy that last few days. Maybe that's why she was susceptible to a cold.

At any rate, I've got so much cleaning up to do around here and I'm so wrecked. Slight migraine from lack of sleep and impending cramps. Where's that EASY button when you really need it?

Medical Stuff

Well, we still haven't left on our trip! We are leaving tomorrow come hell or high water!

I was in such pain yesterday that I decided to go to the periodontist today. He took out the stitches from my palate and basically said that if I think I'm in a lot of pain, then I'm a big baby! No, not really, but they did seem rather blase about my thinking I was in pain. I'll have to put up with the stitches on my bottom gums till Dec. 15. It feels so weird to have a chunk of skin gone from the roof of my mouth and I can move my mouth completely (because of the stitches), but all in all I guess I'm very lucky to have been able to have this procedure so I don't lose my teeth. I've been trying Feldenkrais exercises to relax my pelvis and lower back and neck. I'm sore in lots of odd places. Another intersting thing is that I've had to sleep on my back because the sides of my jaws were swollen (black and blue now), and I believe I have had more pleasant dreams. Maybe the odd dreams I always have are due to not breathing properly!

Enough about me, Mary's having her share of problems at the moment. I took her to Dr R last week because she keeps having heart burn at night and then diarrhea the next morning. Dr R says she wants to send her to a heart and an intestinal specialist when we get back from St L. She said that it's worrisome because Mary's taking a lot of medication for heart burn, so it shouldn't still be breaking through. She also said that we may not be able to do anything about it, but at least we can try to figure out what's wrong.

I also wanted Dr R to see if Mary had a yeast infection or something because her privates were so smelly, even right after I washed her. The pelvic exam was no picnic for any of us! Dr R used a cathater (sp?) to get a urine sample. She just called to tell me that it was dirty, which means that Mary's hallucinating and tiredness are from a UTI. It makes me so mad that sometimes when I give them a urine sample from Mary they tell me that it's clean, but I know she has a UTI. Well, I'm just so relieved that Dr R is calling the antibiotic in tonight and we can get it tomorrow before we leave. It really was providence that we took a week longer to leave. Oh, Dr R also gave Mary a prescription for an antifungal cream that I have to rub around her vagina and vulva twice a day. I told Mary that wasn't in the job description and sang "Getting to Know You" the first time I had to do it. Mary takes it with her usual aplomb. The smell is already gone, so it must be working. There's a lot of cream there, so I guess I'll be doing this for the next month at least. Joy, joy.

Xmas Trip to Gina's

This has turned out to be longest trip I haven't taken yet. I'm so tired of this trip, and we still haven't left yet! Something just keeps coming up. First, I put things off for a day because I'd had my gum grafting and didn't feel like travelling. Then they got an ice storm and Gina's house didn't have any electricity for days. We were supposed to leave this morning, but Rudi wet my bed last night (which I discovered at about 2 AM) and then Mary had hallucinations and heart burn all night. This was followed, as it has been for the last two months, by diarrhea this morning. However, the diarrhea has continued all day, so of course we couldn't travel. That was fine since I had to deal with washing all the sheets and blankets, turning my matress over, washing the dog... Well, it was my fault. I didn't let the dogs out last night. He usually comes to me and lets me know that he has to go out, but he didn't do that last night. Instead, he got in bed with Mary and didn't want to get out when I tried to take him out. I should have just picked him up and carried him out. Live and learn, right?

I just glanced over at Mary. I knew she'd been messing with my cell phone for the last five minutes or so, but at that moment she also had a pair of scissors in her hand! I asked her what she was up to and it disturbed her so that she couldn't remember. She's so funny! I bet she was going to clean out the edges around the keys or something.

I just want to take this opportunity to tell anyone who's interested: don't have gum grafting done unless you absolutely have to and only if you dont' have anything else to do for at least a week! It is no fun.

TV Ears

Santa brought Mary an early Xmas present: TV Ears. They're headphones that go under the chin, not over the head, and have a wireless connection with a device on top of the TV. I'm mostly very happy but there's a lot of white noise, which I think shouldn't be there considering the price ($150). However, Mary doesn't seem to mind the noise and mostly enjoys being able to hear the TV more than the annoyance of having to wear them. After several hours, she gets tired of them, but that's quite understandable. It's great to see her laughing at jokes and exclaiming over interesting facts. I believe she's also staying awake more while the TV is on.

Talking in Her Sleep

Mary seems to talk more and more in her sleep. The other night I heard her say something about, "Democrats... Politicians... Taking everything away from us..." When I asked her about it, she said she is a Democrat and she didn't know what she was talking aobut!

Snoring

Mary was snoring really loudly the other night. She was making a real snorting sound. Then I thought I heard her chuckle. Then she snored some more. So I got up and went in to see what was up. She said she was awake and hadn’t been asleep. I said that couldn’t be true cause I’d heard her snoring. She said, “Like this?” and proceeded to snore with that snorting noise. I couldn’t believe it! She’d been doing it on purpose! She just laughed and said, “Oh, honey. I gotta do somethin’ to pass the time.” I grumpily told her to please find something quieter to do. She’s such a trip!

The Magician's Assistant and the Duck's Back

Angie came to stay a few days. I went to get her because my sister Gina was here from St L. Gina said she'd brought a cow's heart and kidneys, which inticed Angie to come in. Unfortunately for Ange, Gina didn't have a cow's heart. Don't ask me how she knew Angie loves them. At any rate, we all had a nice day at Mom's. Fred came over and then Pat, April and Samuel showed up. (April's due to have a little girl in a week. She's having it induced so that she can get back to teaching on time.) I put in Swing Time (Fred and Ginger) and I think Angie really enjoyed it. She remembers going to the Rialto downtown to see movies like that. She was about 19 when it came out.

Well, I hope I've learned my lesson this time. It's always the same. The first night goes so well and extends well into the second day, so Angie stays another night, which is then disastrous and there's no relief until we're driving away from her home after dropping her off. She did fine until late afternoon on the second day. She tried to take over fixing dinner and the insults (up until then only a spattering here and there) began to flow more freely. I tell you, over the course of three days she told me I was illogical, would never get a job, lived in a dream world, wouldn't ever find a man, couldn't cook, and, to top it all off, that my affection for Mary almost led her to believe I was a lesbian. I felt like the magician's assistant who gets in that box where he sticks swords through her--only it wasn't a trick and I was getting slaughtered! If I balked at an insult, she didn't know what I was talking about or it was only a joke. She bossed us around, telling us not to call the dog "Baby" because we were spoiling it and making us keep the dog outside when she wanted to come back inside. And she repeated the same complaints about her family over and over. It's really no wonder I get a migraine when she comes. I think I can go for a good long time without talking to her again. To end on a good note, I do think I've made progress and don't argue with her like I used to. I just try to let it roll off me like water off a duck's back. Now if I could learn to do that with Dad...

By the way, she talked about these hallucianations she's having. I feel so bad for her and wish someone would do something about it. I'd go crazy if I constantly saw people peeping around doorways. So now she doesn't just hear voices but sees people. She said that one night a little girl crawled into bed with her and she covered her up. When I reminded her about the girl she saw at our door, she just shook her head in wonder, not remember it at all. I think she drinks a beer at night and stays up late so that she'll fall asleep as soon as she lies down.

We were talking about jewelry and she said that Mary should give me her jewelry because who knew what would happen when people came in after Mary dies. I was mortified! I said I knew who was getting Mary's jewelry and till then it was Mary's, not anyone else's. She asked who and I said I was, to which she replied that I should get it for everything I've done for Mary and that she'd make sure that I did, or something to that effect, to which I replied that Mary would probably outlive her. So I guess I make sure I get my jibes in, too, don't I? It just kills me (no pun intended) that people think all the time about who's getting what when Mary dies. The last time that Bettie was here, she let me know that she wanted Mary's grandfather clock and that Mary had promised it to Bettie's mother. I think when Mary passes away I will put everything in storage and leave the country as soon as possible and not come back for a good long time. Who knows what all Mary has promised things to?

Putting Two and Two Together

The other day Mary was reading the newspaper when she suddenly asked me what year she was born. When I told her 1911 and asked why she wanted to know, she started reading to me: "The last time no Americans reached the quarterfinals at the All England Club was in 1911." I thought that was so smart of her to read that and realize that was the year she'd been born! Don't ask me what she was doing reading the Sports section, though!

Water, Water, Everywhere

It took me a while, but I finally managed to get into the habit of making Mary drink a cup of water in the morning before having any coffee. Mom thinks I’m awful, but she won’t drink the water, usually, in the afternoon when you give it to her. When I first moved in with her, she drank a cup whenever she passed the sink and would gladly drink a whole, big glass in the afternoon. Over the years the glass has gotten smaller and smaller.

The other day I gave her a cup of water while I was fixing dinner. (If I giver her water with dinner, she doesn’t drink it except to take her pills.) I heard her talking (it reminded me of a child talking to itself) out on the back porch. She said, “Now, if I drink this, I can have a cup of coffee.” I just about died laughing! That’s what I’m always telling her in the morning (

The dog’s still doing well. The owners dropped off her papers. They paid about $130 for her last March—and then took her to a vet and paid another $140 for various shots and things. Eeks!

Mom gave me some Lodi apples. She planted a tree because Mary always said it was her favorite. They make the best applesauce because they’re so tart. Well, the apples Mom gave me were mostly unusable, so I did some research and found an orchard with Lodi apple trees. You have to pick your own. Mom says she go with me. Cool! I hope I can convince her to drive around to some of these farms to buy some produce. I think Mary would really enjoy that. I wish she could come to pick apples, but I guess I’ll have to get Bonnie to stay with her.

Did I tell you Bonnie’s not coming this week? She’s on vacation with her family. They went to Holiday Land (?) in Santa Claus, Indiana. Argh! For a whole week?! I hope they’re not bored to tears. Also, they took her grandmother and mother, neither of whom is in good health. What are they thinking? When I told Mary, I said, “Oh, no! What are we going to do?” (since Bonnie wouldn’t be coming). She just said, “Well, that’s not a problem for me!” Sometimes she’s so with it, it’s scary!

She’s talking to her Birdie right now. Asking it if it wants to go to sleep and saying, “Yeah, that baby wants to go to sleep.” I guess that means she wants to go to sleep!

It Doesn't Rain, but It Pours

It doesn’t rain, but it pours! I took Mary to three doctors this week: eye doctor, podiatrist, and family doctor. The upshot is that she’s got an eye infection, an ingrown toenail, and a urinary tract infection! So my schedule of treatment combined with my regular schedule of medications is this:

• Morning: round of pills one hour before she gets up, wipe eyes with special toilette and rinse; remove toe bandage, clean, put on Neosporin, put on new bandage; administer shot for osteoporosis; eye drop and pills plus potassium in cranberry juice after breakfast. (I also give her a “breathing toy” from the hospital to get her lungs going before she gets out of bed.)


• Afternoon: eye drop after lunch, antibiotic mid-afternoon.


• Evening: eye drop and antacid after dinner; round of pills before bedtime; wipe eyes with toilette, rinse, apply ointment; change toe bandage; apply vaseline to outside creases of nose and chin (otherwise it gets very dry and cracked--petroleum jelly is the only thing I've found to work).

I’ve had to cut out her vitamins and minerals because I couldn’t figure out how to get them in with the antibiotic, which needs to be taken four hours before or eight hours after any vitamins/minerals or antacids. I have also cut out her breathing treatments because it didn’t seem to be helping and her doctor said the antibiotic would take care of anything causing the cough, if there was anything there, although she didn’t hear anything bad going on.

Another interesting event is that I saw that dog from January wandering around the other day and took her in to keep her from getting hit. When the owner called, she said that the dog (that they had renamed Bella) kept digging her way out of the yard and they were fed up and didn’t want it anymore. She agreed that we could keep the dog for a few days to see if we wanted to keep her. The cat doesn’t like her at all, but Mary and I think she’s really sweet. She gets up on the couch but gets back down when I yell at her. She only dug in the yard once where a chipmunk had been digging. She sat out on the porch with Mary while I worked in the yard and didn’t get down. I took her outside while Mom was here and she took off when she heard a dog barking in the distance. I had to chase her half-way down the street. I took her for a walk yesterday and she did really well. She rarely barks. However, she’s shedding like crazy. I’ll have to vacuum every day. But that’s good exercise. We’ll see.

Life with Auntie Angie

I asked Ange to come over Saturday and to my surprise, she said yes. To my greater surprise, when we got there, she had packed a bag and was planning on staying the night. I had just thought she'd come over and watch an old movie with us and then we'd take her back home. This is the first time she's spent the night since she stayed here and had her stroke.

Saturday night was fine, but last night was a doozie. At 1AM she woke me up because her neck was hurting. She said it was throbbing. She was concerned about it being a vein--ie, having another stroke. She took some pain pills and then two baby aspirins and I gave her a hot bean bag and we both went back to bed. At 4AM she got me up and said that I needed to call her daughter Pat, she was wetting her pants "like crazy" and wanted Pat to bring her another pair of pajama bottoms (!). Her neck was still hurting her. I called Pat (reluctantly) and she told Ange that there was nothing she could do for her but take her to the hospital, so she could call 911 and Pat would meet her there if she wanted to, but bringing her home wouldn't do any good because there wasn't anything they could do for her there that we couldn't do here. I gave Ange a pair of Poise disposable panties and brought her in a clean pair of pants (sort of like yoga pants). We hung up with Pat and she put them on. Angie said she had thought she was going to die. Honestly, I know it sounds cold of me, but I don't understand why people who are so religious are so incredibly afraid to die.

I got her a cold bean bag from the freezer and she said that felt better than the hot one. I sat and talked with her a while. She said she thought they'd know what was wrong with her at the hospital. I told her that she could go if she wanted to, but she wasn't sweating, didn't have a fever, was walking around fine...didn't have any symptoms of a stroke or heart attack, in other words. I thought they wouldn't know what was wrong with her. They'd put her on a hard table, stick an IV in her, run a lot of tests, take x-rays, and keep her in the hospital for days trying to figure it out. Plus, without the "right" symptoms, they might not send an ambulance for her, or at least not immediately. I finally got her to agree to lie down and I went back to bed.

At around 5:30 Mary had to use the potty and Angie came in while I was getting her up. She said that there had been someone knocking and knocking at the back door and when she'd gone to answer it, there had been a young girl standing there, maybe 15 or 16, looked to be black, with short, curly hair, and she'd just grinned from one ear to the other. Angie said she'd closed the door and locked it. I just thought, hmph, because you can't lock our back door. There's a storm door which I keep locked but the lock on the main door is broken. That made me nervous as to whether the back door was open with some deranged person out there. Angie wanted me to go check, but she was too scared to go with me. I told her I was scared, too! But I went to look. No one there and the door was locked. There was a note from the fridge on the floor where Angie must have knocked it off. Personally, I never heard anyone knocking and I sleep rather lightly since I have to listen for Mary, but maybe I'd slept sounder since I'd been so tired.

I got Mary back into bed and then Angie surprised me by saying that she didn't want to go back into "that part of the house," meaning the living room where the couch is, where she sleeps. I said she could sleep with me, of course. I kicked the cat out of my bed and we settled down, but I couldn't sleep. I'm not used to having anyone in my bed with me and I was on the cat's side, which is covered with hair. Plus, Angie was breathing deeply and then started to snore, so I got up. She woke up, of course, and wanted to get up and go back to the couch to quit bothering me, but I told her I was going to go have a cup of tea and for her to go back to sleep. She couldn't believe that she'd been asleep. I think she sleeps a lot more than she thinks she does. She thinks she lies awake all night most nights. I guess that's normal for old people to think that, or maybe anyone who's an insomniac. You dose, but you don't realize it.

Anyway, I got up and checked the back door again. I don't know. I just can't believe that there was someone there. When I asked why she had opened it, she said she thought it was Pat. That answer only reinforced my belief that she had been dreaming or imgining it because there was no way in hell that Pat was going to come here. She should know that. She has a story about someone shining a flashlight in her room about a month ago and says no one in her family believes her; they say she imagines things. I wonder if she still hears the voices. I told her that it might have been our new newspaper carrier. They had been advertising for one and maybe the new one was just some stupid girl who didn't know any better. I don't begin to believe that, but I wanted to tell her something. Odd, odd.

At least I've managed to keep my cool. That's a sign of personal growth for me. Of course, I worry that I'm going to get a migraine now since I've had such little sleep--counting the times I've had to get up to pee, take Mary to pee and give Mary water for her cough. Angie thinks, btw, that I should take Mary to the doctor about her cough, so I suppose I will. I'm taking her to the podiatrist on Wednesday because one of her toes is sore and there's dried blood under the side of the nail. I told Angie that maybe she was having migraine symptoms--from lack of sleep and perhaps more caffeine than she's used to getting. She didn't buy that. She thinks she's cracked a bone in her neck or collar--while lying here sleeping. All I can do is heave a big sigh because that sounds like the biggest bunch of malarky I've ever heard, but I don't want to argue with her. She's proved me wrong many times before. I guess we'll take her home as soon as Mary can get ready to go this morning.

On and Off, Getting Out, and Breathing

Mary found the on/off switch on the belly of her “pretty birdie baby” and turned it off, saying, “There. Now you can’t say anything.” Then she turned it back on.

We went over to Mom’s on Memorial Day. Neither of us felt like going out—it was so ungodly hot—but Mom sounded so excited on the phone, I knew we didn’t have a choice. We were supposed to fix a pork roast in her convection oven. When we got there, I found out that it was this huge, thick thing with several bones in it that she’d gotten for 99¢ a pound. We tried to use the CompuBroil option, but the meat was too heavy. I didn’t look in the book to see what the limit was. We just used the regular convection option. I had a recipe for a rosemary-mustard rub. Well, we cooked that thing for 90 minutes and it still wasn’t done. We ended up having to eat some ham. After dinner, I told Mary we’d be getting the table cleared off soon—I think she’d had a pretty boring time thus far. I teasingly asked if she knew why we’d clear the table off, and she said, “I think so!” “Why?” “Dominoes!” she replied. Mom and I about fell off our chairs. Mary did much better than she did the last time. At least, she did better until it got more complicated. I felt really bad because I won all three games, but I had to—it was fate! I won with the same domino every time. Too strange.

I want to get a Hoover carpet cleaner tomorrow. It’s on sale at Kohl’s. On one hand, I hate (makes me sick, really) to spend so much money ($140), but on the other hand, it costs $100 to have three areas cleaned professionally, so I’m actually saving money. Bonnie cleaned the carpet once and it looked so nice, at least, for a while. I wonder if I’m stupid to be doing this, but I’ve made up my mind that it’s for the best.

The guy came to do a maintenance check on the AC the other day. It hadn’t been running right. Odd because before then it had always run fine. He said we needed a new thermostat and also a pound of Freon. Well, that was all a bundle, but it is a nice thermostat (digital), and now I’m able to keep it set at 78 and be comfortable whereas I used to keep it at 74. Mom turned her AC on for the first time this year (!) for us the other day. She’s never had her AC or furnace checked and I want to send someone to check it. I don’t really have the money to do this, but I’m going to do it anyway. I just hope the guy doesn’t find a thousand things wrong.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it, but I’m a big believer in breathing. I tell Mary to breathe all the time because it helps her walk better. It helps her quit shaking. But just because I tell her to do it doesn’t mean she does. So I’d tell her I needed to hear it or that I needed to feel it (ie, her ribs expanding and contracting). I’d gotten so I’d practically yell at her because she didn’t really listen. Well, I was reading about affirmations the other day. I’ve tried them before myself. It suddenly occurred to me to try them with Mary. I came up with “I can do this,” but that seemed to short, so I added, “if I breathe.” Then I switched it around to, “If I breathe, I can do this.” That worked alright but it wasn’t perfect, so I add the word “deeply” after “breathe.” I started saying this to her. She kind of laughed at first because I was using the first person. But she was listening. Sometimes she even says it with me or she say, “That’s what I was thinking.” Isn’t it amazing? It’s just like my brother Kevin told me when I was a child, “If a puzzle piece doesn’t fit easily, don’t force it.”

I got Mary to come and sit outside this evening while I trimmed the bushes. She didn’t want to. She says she’s so sleepy. I think that comes from boredom. Luckily, it had cooled off and was bearable. I think she enjoyed it—I know I did!

Addendum

I meant to mention that I contacted Waterpik again after still not being able to find a replacement hose and they said they’d send me another one. We shall see.

There was something else I wanted to add but can’t think of it right now.

Work and Play

I finally managed to give Mary her shower this morning. I think it may have been a week since her last one—and the same goes for me. Part of it is that she doesn’t want to and part of it is that I don’t want to. Either she’s tired or…well, I guess that’s always her excuse. With me, it’s more finding the time to fit it in. I’ve had so much yard work to do and if I wait, it gets so hot. Or else I’m tired. There’s also the fact that I hate the shower head. There’s a bar so that you can slide the showerhead up and down. This is great because Mary sits and I stand. Also, I can then easily take it out of its holder to get her wet or rinse her off. It’s indispensable for washing her hair. However, the showerhead is too large and heavy, so that it fell forward a lot (I’ve learned to lean it backwards against the wall when not in use.) and the hose sprang a leak. I looked everywhere for a replacement but couldn’t find one. I guess it never occurred to them that their product might need to be replaced! I wrote an email to the company (Waterpik) but never heard anything back from them, so I just bought a sturdy-looking one. The problem is that the end that attaches to the showerhead isn’t shaped properly to fit into the holder, so the problem was multiplied. It’s a royal pain in the ass and makes me dread dealing with the shower. Well, also, there’s the fact that it’s super tiny and cramped and there’s no good place for the soap (There’s a soap dish that attaches to the bar, but that makes the showerhead be up too high for Mary. I wish I’d had the bar put in lower, but I don’t want to make holes all over the place, so I’ve just left it. Why are there so many stupid little decisions to make in life?!), and the fixture to turn the shower on and off is incredibly hard to pull and push on and off. Then there’s the whole routine, practically a ritual, that has to be gone through. I try to have things down to a science to make them most efficient. And after the shower’s over with, there’s the getting dressed part, which wouldn’t be so bad except for the petroleum jelly business. It feels so nasty! I don’t know how Mary stands it. Personally, I think she likes being rubbed all over! But putting her clothes on over top of the stuff is annoying beyond description.

Wow. Where did all that come from? I meant to just write about how I spent the day cleaning up the holly bush branches that I cut off yesterday—I decimated those bushes. Either they’ll be better off and actually start looking nice or they’ll never get over it and keel over. I moved on to a little thorn bush of some sort out front. Luckily, it has berries but no thorns yet. They’re so nasty—they poke right through my gloves. I really don’t know what to do with this little bush. It’s sort of pretty but…I don’t know why they put it there. My next step was to completely (or as much as I was capable of) cut down a wild honeysuckle bush out front. Mary sat out on the front porch, reading Annie’s Mailbox and watching me. I was so glad to see her stay awake for so long! (There really should be some sort of punctuation in between a period and an exclamation point.) I’ve wanted to get rid of this bush for so long. It isn’t pretty and serves no function at all other than to grow like crazy, blocking the sidewalk and making cutting the grass even more difficult. I’d love to have it completely removed but don’t want to waste the money. I’d also love to get rid of the one in the backyard and put an Endless Summer hydrangea there. But at least that one serves a function, sort of—the birds adore it.

Oh, get this—a mini-miracle occurred this afternoon. I was about three quarters of the way done cutting up the branches I’d cut down when a man stopped his pick-up truck, which was loaded with tree branches, in front of the yard. He hopped out and asked me if I wanted to throw everything in his truck. I couldn’t believe my ears. He said he was allowed to dump it in his work’s dumpster. So he took the branches and the bags. Amazing! Just like an angel coming to help me.

I asked Mary if she wanted to go to Serena’s or Angela’s for dinner She said she didn’t care, so I called Mom to see what she was having for dinner ( She said oxtail soup with barley. Ugh! So I said, oh, well, maybe another time. Several minutes later she called back to say she could also offer us sauerkraut and mashed potatoes with pork and a half of a stuffed pepper. She just cracks me up. She acted so nonchalant when I turned her down, but she must have been disappointed. She said we might as well come to her house because we’d only be getting leftovers at Angela’s, too. I was so tired, I didn’t really feel like going anywhere, but I have some old movies checked out from the library and I thought she (or Angie) would enjoy seeing them, too. We went over and ended up watching “It Happened One Night.” We really enjoyed it.

However, we didn’t get home till almost 11:30 PM and I’m so bad for keeping Mary out so late. Sometimes I wonder that she doesn’t just collapse on me. Well, she didn’t have her usual cup of coffee when we got in, so I know she was tired. Speaking of which…good night!

Birdie, Birdie, Birdie (Cardinal's Song)

The other day I went to Walgreens to spend some money and found the perfect way to blow $10—an almost life-sized plastic Northern Cardinal replica that moves its head and chirps and sings whenever anything moves around it. I was pretty sure Mary would get a kick out of it and I thought the cat might, too. Well, the cat couldn’t care less, but Mary is besotted. I’ve explained that there’s a motion detector that causes the bird to spring to life, but I don’t think she can remember this, if she even understood in the first place. I’m pretty amazed myself ( Let me tell you, the first two days, she talked almost nonstop to this thing! Here are some of the things she said to it:

• You’re a pretty baby, yes you are!


• You’ve got pretty eyes, baby!


• Yeah! Yeah!


• Sing for Mary!/Talk to Mary!


• You’re my baby, yes you are!


• You wanna come home with Mary? Mary will take you home with her.


• Don’t you bite me!


• Mary won’t hurt you.


• What do you want, baby? Tell Mary what you want.

The funny thing is that the batteries are probably going low, so it doesn’t react all the time, so when it does, you actually do get surprised. I’ll have to get fresh batteries because Mary got such a kick out of it. I think they probably mostly ran out while it was in my car on the way home. Every turn or bump would cause it to start singing.

Mom asked me if she knew it wasn’t real. I said of course not, but then I started to wonder myself, she talked to it so incessantly. I finally asked her, just to make sure, but I was immediately sorry. I think she got a bit insulted.

She keeps picking it up, which causes the stand it’s resting on to fall off. Then she tries to get it back and gets all frustrated because she can’t.

She just called me into her bedroom, but when I got there, she didn’t know what she wanted anymore. I leaned over and laid my face next to her and then the cat jumped up on the bed. (It always does that when I lie down with Mary.) I said something about the cat wanting to be with us and she said something about how she thought places like this almost always did have a cat. Then we had a strange conversation where I tried to get her to tell me where she thought she was and she just kept saying she knew or she’d try to say, but she couldn’t get it out. She finally said something that conveyed to me that she didn’t know she was at home, so I told her she was. I always say, “This is McD___,” and she recognizes the street name. I just don’t get why she can’t remember where she is at night. Maybe she’s just telling me, whereas during the day she doesn’t let me know.

I’ll be glad when I get the yard more under control. Then I won’t have to spend so much time outside. It’s nice for me, but I hate to leave Mary alone for so long. She needs some mental stimulation. Other than Annie’s Mailbox. Sometimes I sit her out on the front porch while I’m working out there. Today she asked if she could sit out there, which was so touching, but it was just too windy. I don’t want her to get sick. Plus, she gets cold so quickly.

The Cubans next store are having a party, I just know it. I don’t hear any music, though. They’re probably going to turn it on around 1 AM. I should just go to sleep on the couch. But I always end up with cramped legs, so I should go to sleep in my bed as long as I can. I would put in ear plugs, but then I wouldn’t hear Mary. Plus, they’re really annoying to sleep with.

My resolve to get Mary into bed earlier is going nowhere. It’s so nice out on the back porch, so we stay out there until it gets dark, around 9 PM. Then I’ve got several movies from the library, which take 2 hours, so it’s, bingo, 11 PM when we’re finally getting around to brushing our teeth.

I asked her to cut out a crossword puzzle for me (for one of my brothers) the other day. She cut out the puzzle but not the clues. I thought that was so cute! The next time I outlined it in red and she did a great job. I wish I had more puzzles for her to do, games to play with her, or little tasks to give her. There must be a resource for these things somewhere. I guess it’s different for different people, though. I mean, she used to love to do word searches, but she doesn’t do them anymore because she shakes so much.

OK, past my bedtime.

Forgotten Visitors

Uncle Tom brought Angie in today! I still can't believe it. Unfortunately, Mary didn't have a good day. She just couldn't wake up and didn't seem to really be there all day. I think Ange must have been disappointed that Mary wasn't excited about her being there. On the other hand, maybe then she saw first hand what I'm up against sometimes when I want to get her to go visit Angie.

Tom had a lunch date with one of his kids, so he didn't stick around, which was ok because he can be a bit strenuous! It's just that he's always talking and telling jokes. Doesn't seem to deal well with silence.

I wanted to go vote but I didn't want to leave Mary alone with Angie, so I called Mom and asked her if she would come over. She actually agreed. I think she lied to Dad and told him that she was going to vote. It was a good cover-up because he couldn't vote today, being an Independent, so there was no reason for him to go with her. Mom stayed a long time, but she kept saying the whole time that she really needed to get back home. Argh! I was glad for Angie's sake that she was here! Otherwise it would have been a major dud of a visit!

Angie got here just after noon and immediately wanted something to eat :-) I got out some Irish cheddar and was pleased that she loved it, but then she had a stomach ache the whole rest of the visit. Her osteo has caused her belly to really pooch out. Everything must be really squished toghether in there.

I made a pound cake--which I know Angie loves--because we've got a ton of strawberries and they go so well together. But I started too late and they left just before it came out of the oven. I said that maybe this visit would get Mary back in the swing of things and we could go out and visit Angie tomorrow and bring some cake. Well, so much for that because about an hour later when I asked Mary if she remembered who had visited her today, she was absolutely clueless. I asked her a couple of times more, but she never remembered, so I switched tacks and just kept asking if it wasn't nice that Tom, Angie and Serena had been in to visit today. Sometimes I honestly get a bit scared about how much she doesn't know anymore. The other day when I came in to wake her from her nap (cause she'd been in bed for over an hour), I could swear she actually looked...not frightened but certainly somehow shocked. She stared at me for a good half minute like that before she asked, "Bridget?"

Snapdragon Fun

The other day I brought some snapdragons in so that Mary could see them better. I was showing her how to use them as puppets. She acted like she’d never seen this, but I can’t believe that. She must have forgotten. On the other hand, I was telling Mom and she had forgotten that, too. Later on in the day, I was singing to her (which I do all the time because I’m crazy). She was acting tired and not paying me any attention, so I grabbed the snapdragon flower from earlier and pretended it was singing, using it as a puppet. Mary got a kick out of that :-)

Streetcars and Mint Juleps

The other night when Mary got up around 2 AM to go to the potty, she must have still been asleep because when I put her blue house slippers on, she said, “Aw! Am I gonna have to wear these home on the street car?” I just replied, “Yeah, I guess so.” When I told her about it the next day, she just laughed.

She’s been sleeping so much lately. I’ve been getting her to lie down after breakfast because I think it’s better for her to sleep in bed than in her chair. More comfortable. She’ll sleep for an hour or two. I figure if she’s sleeping so soundly, she must need it. I guess I’m keeping her up too late. I normally get her to bed around 11 PM. But she herself doesn’t want to go even then sometimes.

I’d started giving her mostly decaf coffee because I figured the caffeine wasn’t good for her. Since she’s not taking Plavix, her chances of having a stroke are higher. Now I have read that decaf coffee raises your cholesterol. What to do?!

I got one of those foot spa things because I thought it might help with my feet hurting. It splutters water everywhere and is supposed to keep it warm but doesn’t, but it’s still nice. Mary, however, didn’t like it and just kept asking where it came from and who it belonged to.

This is odd but during my last migraine attacks, my neck and shoulder and sort of upper back on my left side (where I get my migraines) started hurting. Even though the migraines have subsided, the pain in my neck, shoulder and back hasn’t. I’ve been taking ibuprofen, which makes it better, but I’d like to find out what’s up. The muscle on my upper arm, about three inches down from my shoulder, hurts like the dickens.

I’ve quit drinking soy milk and stopped taking my contraception pills (which are supposed to protect me from ovarian cancer) in the hopes that this will make my migraines go away. This is perhaps a little strange, but I think that another contributing factor with the pill was that it screwed up my natural rhythm and so my body was protesting. We shall see. I figure I’ll give it two months.

I went to Mom’s on Tuesday with the intention of helping her with her yard, but it was threatening to storm, and I got the distinct impression that she didn’t really want my help, so I gave her a bit of a reflexology treatment on her feet. Well, I only had time for one foot ( She said that she woke up in the middle of the night with a cramp in her foot. I hope I didn’t do anything wrong. Oh, she didn’t shut up for a minute all the while I was massaging her foot! Of course, she had had a beer, but I think she really gets lonely. Dad’s not very good company. Today I took her (had to fairly twist her arm) with me to the drug store, bank and grocery, since we both needed to go to these places. When she got in the car, I had an audiobook playing. She said, “Well if you’re going to have that on, we can’t talk.” So I turned it off and said, “OK, talk away,” which she did! She always tells me about her problems with Dad, and I always give her the same bits of advice. It’s really rather frustrating. By the time I’m finished with Mom, I am always in need of a massage!

She says I’m making her fat with all the baked goods I give them. But I can’t help it! I’ve really been into biscuits and pie lately. And there’s no one else to give it too, and Mary and I shouldn’t eat it all ourselves. I would give some to one of my brothers (Fred) or nephew (August), but they take so long to come get it, that it’s gone bad. Sometimes I seriously wonder … I guess they’re used to bought things with preservatives in them.

Anyway, on Derby Day I took a pecan pie over to Mom’s and she made a big deal about not taking any. Then she turned around and said she was actually hoping desperately that I’d give her some. Go figure! Oh, we had a very nice time on Derby Day—but we missed the race. I had changed the channel because the one that got the race doesn’t come in clearly on their TV. I thought they would show the race on the news on the other channel but they didn’t. It must be a legal rights thing. But we had our Mint Juleps (made with some unknown mint from Mom’s yard)—which Mom thought were too small, and we also got in three rounds of dominoes. Mary played worse than I’ve ever seen her play. She seemed to be warming up as we went along. Maybe it was the MJ. It seemed to almost put her to sleep. I made us some more the next day, but they didn’t taste nearly as good.

Uncle Tom should be coming this weekend. I hope that will be good for Aunt Angie. We haven’t been out to see her because either I don’t feel well or Mary doesn’t feel well or it’s raining. I know we should call but I’ve practically given up. She often doesn’t understand you or doesn’t seem to be listening. Or she is so down or in pain that she doesn’t feel like talking. The last time she gave me a detailed account of an attack of diarrhea she had had. What’s that saying—laugh and the world laughs with you? It’s hard to talk to someone who’s down in the dumps all the time. And it’s hard to talk to someone who only wants to talk about their pain when you’re in pain yourself. She also seems to have no patience to talk to Mary anymore.

Oh, did I tell you that Anna called the other day? It was a mistake. She’d meant to call the bank. She talked to Mary anyway, thank goodness.

Well, I’ve got to get to bed.

Teeth, Pee and Headaches

I realized this morning that I should probably be watching Mary when she brushes her teeth to make sure she brushes everywhere. She took her brush out of her mouth and asked me if that was all. I’d only been nominally paying attention to her (as I was brushing my own teeth at the time), but I didn’t recall seeing her do the top teeth, so I asked her if she’d done those and she didn’t have a clue. Really, I should have thought of this before. I mean, if she can’t remember where she has washed in the shower, how can she remember what she has brushed?

Her urine has been really cloudy for over a week. The visiting nurse had a sample tested last Friday, but there wasn’t anything there. That was his last visit, so if I want her tested again, I’ll need to take her in to the doctor’s office. I called to see if I could just bring her by on Monday—the line is always busy, busy, busy on Monday, so I know I won’t be able to call then. Well, they’ve taken the day off, for Derby I assume.

I think I’d also like to talk to the doctor about my migraines. They’re getting so that they last three or four days. Excedrin takes away about 90 percent of the pain but the other symptoms stay—the nausea, pain in the back and neck, “heisse Hunger,” as they say in German (basically the munchies). Not to mention the way my feet and hands hurt. I wish a reflexologist weren’t so expensive!

Mary has lain down for a rest. She looked so tired. I’m certain she has an infection.

Joy in the Moment

After dinner, Mary and I dipped the rest of the peppermint marshmallows we had made. I found a tub of dipping chocolate in the fridge that has been there since at least when I moved in six years ago. It still looked alright, so I thought we’d use it up. It’s a little too sweet for my taste, but it dipped better than the dark chocolate stuff we used last time.

I could just feel this vibe coming from Mary as she sat next to me, making sure I had another marshmallow ready to dip—she was having fun. So I said, “I’m having fun! What about you?” and she replied, “Oh, yes, honey! They’re really beautiful!” She’s so cute! She must have made a lot of candy because she’s got a load of dipping chocolate. I remember the Rocky Road, Mounds and chocolate coated nuts she made when I first moved in.

I had covered a cookie tray with waxed paper, but we ran out of space, so I set the tray on the stove-top (they were drying already, so I didn’t think I needed to put them in the fridge) and got a small piece of waxed paper to finish up. When we had done the last marshmallow (the last few were just barely covered and looked pretty bad), I got up to put the utensils in the sink, and Mary mentioned again how beautiful they were. I had a thought, a hunch. I said, “You know, we’ve got a whole nother over here on the stove.” She made some sort of reply which egged my hunch on further, so I brought them round for her to see. “Oh, honey! Where did you get those? They’re even prettier than the others!” She was so tickled with them—and hadn’t a clue that we had just done them together a few minutes earlier! I hope it’s a sign that I’ve grown up in the last year because I didn’t make a point of telling her that we’d done them together and thereby pushing her to admit that she had forgotten. I guess I used to feel like I had to tell her what she’d forgotten. Did I think it would help her remember? Now I just kind of play along.

Lead a Horse to Water

I’m trying to get Mary to drink more water. Instead, she used it to water the rose plant sitting next to her chair!

I’d like to see a list of all the things a person is supposed to do every day. I bet it would take up a whole page!

I put all her old photos (and some newspaper clippings) in a photo album. I’m in the process of writing notes in the memo areas. She looked at it for around two hours yesterday and she’s looking at it again today. This makes me so happy. I remember when I drug those photos out about four or five years ago. She said then that she didn’t like looking at photos. I wonder why she said that. Most of them are of her and Bill, her first husband. Luckily, I made notes then on the backs of many of them.

I have her listening to a CD from her church with headphones. I know I’m wicked, but this keeps her out of my hair ( I mean, it makes me feel less guilty about puttering around the house and not giving her any attention.

I thought it was around 2:30 PM but it’s almost 5 PM. The Cubans next store had a party last night. I slept on the couch till around 2 AM, and then moved to my bed because it was quiet. However, at 4:30 AM they started it up again. Plus, people were leaving and every time they started their car, loud music came pouring out. I tried not to be upset and to take a positive outlook. I thought maybe I could go ahead and get up. But that droning beat drives me bananas! It’s so depressing! I finally went over and asked them to turn it down. They did so immediately, thank goodness. I’m always filled with trepidation when I go over there. At any rate, I feel like I have a hangover this morning. It took a long time to get back to sleep and then I slept in. Mary, oddly enough, slept better last night than she has for ages! Didn’t get up once!

I’m starting to believe that I only feel good about two weeks out of the month. No wonder I so often feel like I don’t get anything done! Speaking of which, I’d better get my nose back to the grindstone.

Sleepless

I can't sleep. I stayed up too late reading emails and browsing the internet (about migraines--talking about a moronic thing to do since staring at a computer screen late into the night causes migraines). I crawled in bed with Mary, which is a silly thing I do. She's always so warm! Eventually, her snoring wakes me up and I have to go to my own bed, which is then painfully cold. I thought old people were supposed to be cold, but as I always tell her, she's a mean, lean, heat-producing machine.

Now I can't sleep because I keep thinking about Chris. That's depressing me. And I'm thinking about money, which is depressing, too. I feel like I always spend too much. I can hold back for a while but then, kaboom, I blow a wad. Not that I think I'm abnormal. In fact, I think compared to the average person, I probably do pretty well. But, then, I don't think the average, well, let me change the above statement to "American" instead of just "person," I don't think the average person does well with money at all. But what do I know? I mean, who is the average American, really? How can we know? From the census? From our friends? From TV or radio? Magazines? There are so many people out there (advertisers, mostly) telling us who we are that sometimes it's hard to know who we really are, muchless who everyone else is. The problem is that it's not healthy to isolate yourself. It's funny. I remember a college professor talking to us about the myths about ourselves that surround us , mostly propagated by advertisers. I remember not having a clue about what he was talking about! And you know what? I think back then I really wasn't much influenced by advertisers.

I'm stressing about the yard, for one thing. Everyone around us (except for the Cubans) has such nice yards. Mary has nice bushes but there are a lot of weeds growing around them. I can see that at one time there was mulch there and I'd like to put some more around them, but I know it will be expensive (not to mention back-breaking). I also need to replace a bush that died. The yardman last year was supposed to do that but he never did. I'd also like to put out some fertilizer to help kill the weeds, but you also have to have that little spreader-thingy. I spent so much on bulbs last year... speaking of which, two of the things I planted turned out to be the wrong product. I'd be mad as hell, but I don't have the energy. I ordered white crocuses and the ones that came up were white with purple veins. Also, I ordered red tulips and the ones that came up are yellow with some weird pink markings. They're going to send me the proper bulbs in the fall, but, hell, I don't have anywhere else to put them! The company's name is Jung, so don't order from them! They've been nice but that doesn't fix my problem.

I need to go back to bed.

I was thinking about thsoe marshmallows. I made another batch and a half and mixed them together, but it's still incredibly strong. Still opens up your nasal passages. I dipped half in chocolate this evening--with Mary "helping," ie, mostly making annoying comments about the chocolate being too thick and that there wouldn't be enough, although she did throw in a few comments about how pretty they were. I thought they looked awful. But they tasted good. I kind of forced her to eat a few. Then she had a pain in her stomach a little later. She had a pain in her chest this morning. I think it's from the peppermint. I gave her Mylanta and it seemed to help. But I was thinking about how I got this idea of pink, peppermint-flavored marshmallows dipped in dark chocolate and I just had to make them. I also have an idea about adding some bourbon and walnuts and either dark chocolate chips or dipping them. Isn't that weird the way you can get an idea and you've just got to do it? I had an idea about a pink and yellow dress once and had to make it. Then I hated it. I wonder what ever happened to it.

Did I mention that I want to get another photo album for Mary's old pictures (of her and Bill mostly)? I thought this would be a nice project to do at Gina's. Mary loves looking at the album I got for her for Xmas.

The daffodils she was so crazy about have kicked the bucket but she wouldn't let me throw them out.

We have to go to the lawyer's tomorrow to change the alternate executor on Mary's will. I thought we might eat lunch out. And I'd love to find the Liquor Barn and get Mary some more Amaretto and me some Rioja. There I go spending money. No. We should go and come back home. We have plenty of food here at home.

Ok, back to bed.

Funny Things

I recently had The Birth of Venus by Botticelli on the desktop of my laptop. When Mary saw it, she was rather scandelized and asked if I knew any of those people! I got a good laugh out of that.

One of my sister-in-laws may have to stay with her mother full-time for a while. She asked me how I find meaning in my life with Mary. I told her I guessed I was really in love with Mary since I found her so adorable. I also told her that I love to cook and bake and that I can request things from the library online and that I try to exercise and stay healthy. I don't think she really understood. Am I weird that I'm satisfied here? My life seems so very full to me, but I know that most people pity me and see it as so empty.

I always have such vivid and strange dreams but one the other night has really stayed with me. In my dream Mary wanted to adopt a baby boy and so the social worker came and decided to let her, since she had the money. I was freaked out, thinking about how I'd be responsible for him after Mary passed away, that he wouldn't be like a dog or cat that would die in about 10 or 15 years. I told her that it wouldn't stay cute and would become spoiled and naughty but she didn't care. Also, I was worried that he'd be ugly--we had to take whichever one they gave us. This was all a combination of my own thoughts about getting another cat, watching Desparate Housewives and reading the Nurse Matilda books.

I picked some daffodils from the garden. They're the ones that are whit on the outside and deep orange on the inside. Mary is so enamoured of them. She just repeats over and over that they are so beautiful. I'm glad she enjoys them so much. I just answer, "Yes, they are."

We should have gone to visit Angie today since the weather was so nice, but I just didn't feel like it. Mary tried to call her several times, but no one answered. Anna didn't answer either, so I got her to call Mom. Mary had had a bit of a High Ball (hee, hee) and Mom had had a beer, so they were both quite talkative. It was really funny.

Tumbles and Candy

Mary took a tumble in the bathroom this evening. I thought I could run in real quick and close the blinds and turn on the light in the living room while she was on the potty. As I left the room I saw her getting up to wipe herself and the thought crossed my mind that I shouldn't leave, that she could fall, but I ignored it. Sure enough, as I pulled the blind closed, I heard the clatter. I think she just lost her balance. She said she hit her ear and that was all. There wasn't any mark or anything and I was able to just lift her up. She could help a bit by holding onto the cabinet, thank goodness. She never complained of anything other than her ear hurting, so I think she was alright. I wonder if the shots I give her every morning for her bones are helping. Her balance and walking have been very bad lately, though. I should get her up to walk more, but I get busy. And I hate to make her work. Isn't that crazy? Well, she hates to work, too. As she walked back into the living room, I was told her how shaken I was. She said she was perfectly fine and not shaken at all. I commented on how well she was walking--better than in a long time--and said maybe she should take a tumble more often. She said, "Oh, don't encourage me!" She's so funny!

I've had a headache and migraines for the last five days. I haven't been doing anything round here and it's getting to look so bad. The carpet that Bonnie cleaned is dirty again. On Thursday when Bonnie came, I had taken to bed and just stayed there. She was a real sweetie and cleaned up the kitchen. I hadn't done dishes for days. I hope this is over with soon.

We're supposed to leave for St L next Thursday. I hope Mary enjoys the visit this time as much as the last.

Yesterday Mary suddenly said, "We used to make candy all the time." So I asked if she wanted to make some candy, to which she replied, "Oh, I don't care," which I guessed meant yes. So I got out my candy book and she read the directions for marshmallows to me. (I'm bound and determined to become a marshmallow officianado.) I've been wanting to make peppermint flavored marshmallows and color them pink and dip them in dark chocolate. I set the mixer on a low table where she could see the gelatine-sugar mixture becoming marshmallow. Well, I put in far too much peppermint oil. They taste like Altoids! They really clear your sinuses up! The color is very pretty, though, which makes you just want to dive into them. I guess I'll make some plain ones and then melt the flavored ones together with it. Sounds like a mess! One thing I have decided is that even though all the directions I've read say to beat them for at least 15 minutes, they are really done after 7 minutes and they'd be easier to pour into the pan because the mixture will be warmer. I don't think it will affect the consistency. I wish I knew exactly what sort of candy Mary would like to make. She can't tell me. Personally, I'd like to make some nougat! Well, we've got to get out of this marshmallow scrape first.

Waste Not

I've started joking with Mary that I'm going to have the following put on her gravestone: She never wasted a single sheet of toilet paper, but she should have had stock in the Kleenex company.

She spends minutes sitting there carefully laying her two sheets of toilet tissue together. In the middle of the night this really stretches my patience to the limit.

Sleep Talking

Bonnie came over today so that I could go to a concert with a friend of my brother Fred’s. She brought her grandmother with her, and then later her friend Mary came over and they all played Bingo. I’m glad they enjoyed doing this because Mary had the time of her life and the thought of playing Bingo fills me with absolute dread. Ugh! How boring! Absolutely no critical thinking skills necessary—and therefore perfect for Mary!

Mary has said some of the funniest things lately. Of course, I always think I will remember them but have managed to forget most of them. One night as I was getting her changed for bed, she exclaimed that one of her nipples looked like someone had been sucking it. Now, isn’t that a bizarre thing to say? I told her  it hadn’t been me! She said she didn’t know who it could have been since no one had been in. It just makes you wonder sometimes if she knows, really, what she’s saying. Lots of times I wonder if she remembers from one sentence to the next what we’re talking about. I think she’s a very good faker. I’ve caught her quite a bit agreeing with me when she really shouldn’t. But, then again, I don’t know how much of it is her hearing. Man, between her hearing and her mind, she’s really screwed. It’s a wonder you can have a decent conversation with her. But as I’ve pointed out before, she’s got a great sense of humor.

One thing that really makes me laugh is the conversation we have when she points out that my hair is getting long. I’ll remark that supposedly every person has a certain length beyond which their hair won’t grow. Then she remarks in agreement that her hair never grows. Then I laugh and tell her that it’s because I keep it cut.

Sometimes I think that our conversations are so repetitive that I could just write them all down and label them A, B, C, etc. Sometimes I keep my responses to her remarks purposefully short (like, “How ‘bout that.”) because I know she’ll be repeating the remark again. She especially repeats herself if she finds something beautiful—like the weather or a top I have on.

I’ve become aware of how much time I leave her alone, while I’m cooking or cleaning. I find her distracting, so I prefer it if she doesn’t stay in the kitchen with me. Plus, I think it must be awfully boring for her. I like it most when she can sit on the back porch while I’m puttering around in the kitchen, so that she’s still close but not stuck in her wheelchair. I’ve also noticed that I often leave her for a short while without anything to do. I’m usually taking care of something and forget. However, it doesn’t seem to matter because she seems to always be able to amuse herself.

She talks in her sleep so much. Sometimes she says the funniest things—and quite loud. She yelled out one night recently, “I’m gonna wash my underarms. They’re dirty. I think I’ve been perspiring.” I was talking to her last night about how much she does this now and that I didn’t remember her doing it when I moved in. She said that maybe she talked in her sleep so much because she didn’t say much during that day. This just broke my heart. I should sit down and talk to her more often. If I do sit down, she inevitably reads me an article headline about ten times. I like to make sure that she’s got “Annie’s Mailbox” to read, so I fold the newspaper with that article showing. Unfortunately, it’s on the last page of the Features section with all the news about stars, so I inevitably end up reading all that crap that I really don’t care about, wasting my time. Argh! Why do I not seem to have enough time? I feel like I’m always busy. I should get back to writing down what I’m doing and when. It’s just like a diet. No accountability leads to sloppiness.

Sleepytown and Birthday

Lots of times when Mary gets up from the potty at night instead of saying, “Ok, let’s head into bed,” which gets boring, I’ll say, “Ok, let’s see if we can’t catch that next train to Sleepytown.” She’s mentioned Sleepytown when she’s talked in her sleep or hallucinated, and it just cracks me up. She’ll say, for instance, “Does that baby want to go to Sleepytown?” in the sweetest little voice. So I joke about the train that goes to Sleepytown at night.

I told her tonight the next one was coming in about five minutes, so we needed to hurry cause we still needed to change our clothes. She said she thought we could make it. I warned her, though, that she had to be in bed or else they wouldn’t take her. They made exceptions for arm chairs, but that was dangerous because then you had to make a transfer and you might miss your connection. There you’d be, in your bed, waiting for that train to Sleepytown, and you’d be left at the station. We had a good laugh. She’s got such a good sense of humor. I really appreciate that!

We went out to see Angie today—it was her 89th birthday. She wasn’t doing so well, but I wanted to drop off the flowers while they were still fresh. She was feeling better by the time we got there, so we went on in. She seemed to really like the flowers, so that definitely made the trip worth it. Jo seemed so tired. She should have taken a nap when Angie did—just like a mother does when she has a baby. They were concerned that Serene (Jo’s daughter) hadn’t called. Nobody called while we were there. Or came to visit. Hmph. Well, I ate a piece of cake even though I’d sworn to myself I wouldn’t. I was saving my WW Points for a chocolate pie I’d made. Jo had made it even though she was so tired and it was just the two of them there to eat it, since no one else was coming to visit. It was a heart-shaped cake just like Angie used to make for us. Then I gave her a bit of a hand massage. She was having pain around her chest and I could see that Jo was frustrated about what to do for it, which medicine to give her. Angie has a kidney infection and had a bad reaction to the medicine they gave her, so she was going to try something new. Plus, they’re giving her something stronger than Darvocet and it tends to really knock her out. Ange seemed to be getting tired but didn’t want to lie down, so we moved into the living room, where I gave her a foot massage. I saw that her toe nails really need to be cut. She said she couldn’t do it anymore. Her heart hurt when she bent over. Naturally. At first I thought, “This isn’t my responsibility. Let Jo or Pat do it.” But Jo didn’t seem inclined or interested. I thought it would really gross me out because Angie has some sort of foot fungus, but I didn’t mind too much. I moistened them and put Vaseline on them—they were so dry, and then I dug up her microwavable booties (buried in the closet—harrumph) and heated them and put them on her, which she said felt great. She said she’d pay me back later and I told her she already had—with tuna and crackers and cream cheese and olives served on the little picnic table when we were young. She laughed. I hope I really made her feel better. I thought later that I should have given Jo a foot massage, too.

Jo said she might bring her in but was concerned about the stairs. I don’t get that. There are no more stairs here than at her house. People are so strange. They came and got Anna last week so she could visit. I have to admit this made me… jealous or angry, I don’t know. So Anna didn’t want to go with us today. She’d just seen Ange. Plus, she had to go to church.

I forgot to take Angie her birthday card. I’ll mail it. It says, “Glad to see you’re doing so well for you age…you know, breathing and all.” I think it’s hilarious! She’ll probably be insulted.

Ups and Downs

I feel awful about my last post. I really felt bad, though. Thankfully, I've been better since then. Maybe it's just hormones. I think I'm going to try to pay more attention, to see if I can figure out a pattern.

I think I've found all the stock information. I keep telling myself that this is a good thing for me to go back through all of Mary's papers and reorganize them. She kept everything in envelopes, so I've been able to reduce the size a lot. Also, there's a lot I can shred such as old bills that were paid. I'm just putting everything into shopping bags and then I'm putting them all into a plastic tub, just in case there's another leak in the basement. I wonder how you're supposed to organize your papers. How do other people keep their papers? I mean, considering you're supposed to keep some things for seven years... I wonder how many people don't even know that.

I'll be so glad to get this tax stuff done. I just hope the lady at H&R Block knows what she's doing. She called another lady over and kept say that she thought she was in over her head, but the lady kept encouraging her and saying she just needed such and such. I think the info I've found will show that Mary actually lost a lot of money instead of making any. I wonder if I need this info because you don't pay taxes on stocks until you sell them. Is that the way it is? I'll have to ask the tax lady.

Yes, I'll be so relieved, but I know something else will come up soon. It always does. But it won't be as stressful as this, I don't think!

I've been so terrible--I've been looking on eBay for old Wear-Ever products. You see, Mary's first husband Bill sold Wear-Ever. She said today that he was selling it when she married him. I don't know if that's true or not. In any case, she still has several pieces and I think they're so neat. There's a juicer that's just fabulous. There were tons of them on eBay. I ended up getting a 4-egg poacher! I'm so tickled. (I know, I'm crazy.) I love poached eggs! But I hate cleaning out the pan. Also, Grandma B used to heat her dinner in a little poacher like this. Can't wait! I recently purchased an old Pepsi crate. The counters in Mary's kitchen are just about five inches too high for me to work on--rolling out dough :-) I have always thought about the bakery where I used to work--the shorter ones of us used to stand on a Pepsi crate when we needed a little height. Well, I got this one for about $22 including shipping and I just love it! Now I'm able to work in the kitchen instead of on the dining room table where bits of dough and flour were always falling onto the carpet. Plus, I can work right near the oven. Cool!

Ok, I have to admit, that apple pie from The Pie and Pastry Bible probably was the best I've ever had. However, I still think I'm going to tinker around with her dough recipe! There was a show on TV this evening about southern biscuits. I taped it and can't wait to watch it with Mary tomorrow. I don't know why, but I'm rather crazy about making biscuits, pie dough and cookies.

Losing Battle?

I haven't written for so long. Why do people always feel a need to state the obvious?I thought when I got a  DSL  connection that I'd write more, but I've written less. I even got MS Office and that hasn’t helped. Once again I’m confronted with the question of why I don’t want to do things that I want to do. I must not want to do them or I would do them.

Anyway, perhaps I haven’t written because things have been alright. When things are going ok, it seems perhaps too mundane to write about. Or perhaps I’ve just been lazy.

Actually, I feel like I haven’t had any time. I was really being careful about my time, writing down everything I did and when, from what time to what time. Then I felt like I’d gotten back on track and I quit writing it down. I felt good, productive. I think I kept going quite well for about two weeks. Then it started to break down, it meaning my schedule and my… my what? I want to say sanity, but that sounds so extreme. My feeling of well-being is perhaps a nicer way of putting it.

I started getting headaches more and more frequently. The Olympics were on and Mary and I watched them every night, but I noticed that every night I felt worse. I wonder if sitting in front of the TV for too long gives me these headaches. The computer screen seems to give them to me. In fact, it’s really stupid of me to be sitting here right now. Maybe it’s simply eye strain and I need new glasses. Maybe the problem was that the Olympics were over with so late that I was getting less and less sleep, but I don’t think that’s right because I was sleeping longer. Sometimes I think that if I sleep too long, I get a headache. Maybe it’s my mattress.

I feel like I’ve had a migraine all this past week. I haven’t been keeping track, but I think it’s true. I finally massaged my feet and gave myself a foot bath last night and did some yoga and today I was migraine free, but tonight it’s back. My feet were so sore—when I massaged them and today. The heels and the arches are especially sore. I looked at some reflexology charts to see what that meant, but I can’t understand it. I think they showed that I was having throat and pelvic problems. Hmph.

We watched A Beautiful Mind this evening, and, I tell you, maybe I’m just extremely empathetic, but I started feeling like I was crazy. This constant wondering and trying to figure out what’s causing these migraines, this tension and nausea is driving me crazy. Having to constantly repeat myself to Mary and the cat constantly begging me for attention are driving me crazy. The list of things to do that I don’t get done is driving me crazy. I spent all day working on an apple pie. Isn’t that crazy? I checked out this cookbook called The Pie and Pastry Bible and I think the lady who wrote it must have some sort of problem because she is detailed to the point of being anal and makes baking seem like some sort of witchcraft or science experiment. Everything’s terribly complicated and must be so exact. That’s why it’s so incredibly tempting to try her recipes out and see what they’re like. Why can’t I accept that she’s not right and that it’s not that complicated? As my sister Nikki said about this author, why can’t you just throw things together? I think I have to prove to myself that she may do it that way, but her way is not the only way. For example, she insists that pie crusts be made with butter, that shortening is inferior, so why use it. However, the crusts shrink so much! Well, her response is to do all this other hocus pocus to fix that: constantly putting the dough into the fridge to rest. However, I don’t think I even really like a pie crust made with so much butter. Maybe it’s an acquired taste, but I think things can taste too buttery. Like that frosting on Mary’s birthday cake. And it’s not like all that butter is healthy or healthier, even. Why am I carrying on about this? See, I’m just crazy, obsessive.

So is my life falling apart a symptom or is it the cause of my downward spiral? Is it all just hormonal? I get so tired of thinking. I get so tired of myself. But tonight I went into another room and felt that the migraine was coming back—the headache, the nausea—and I started to cry. It’s like living with a mild form of torture. Like having a screw in your neck and someone keeps tightening it. Do I need to do yoga every day? Should I take a hot bath? As Mom asked, why am I so tense? Why do I need to relax so much? How could I ever hold up under real-life (work-life) stressful conditions?

Have I been drinking too much tea? You see, I can never quit asking myself what I’m doing wrong. But I never come up with the answer. So I start looking for the way to fix things. But I don’t find an answer there either, not a permanent answer because things are always changing. I’m never the same from day to day. I guess no one is. But I think other people are more stable. I don’t think this is normal. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I even find myself thinking things like, “Here it is, I’m going down again,” or “I’m at the top now. How long will this last?” At least knowing that no phase lasts forever helps to get through the bad phases, but I’m getting so tired of having them. Do I need to just get over it, get over myself?

I called Mom today and invited her over for pie, coffee and dominoes tomorrow. She accepted!

I need to find some information about Mary’s investments so that H&R Block can finish doing her taxes. If I don’t find the information, she’ll owe about $80,000 in taxes, in addition to the $350 fee that H&R Block is charging. Then they ask if you want some insurance for $29 in case they didn’t do their job right, basically. That shouldn’t be legal.

On a positive note, I’ve been back on my diet for three days and I’ve been doing really well. I did some thinking about what sort of mental and emotional baggage I have about losing weight and was surprised at what I found, but also empowered by giving a name to my issues.

Hm, I thought this was supposed to be about Mary. Then I should tell you that she’s been having so much difficulty walking. That’s been at least since we got back from Gina’s, so about three weeks, I guess. She didn’t have a UTI, but Dr R sent a nurse to get another urine sample. I think they need to take another blood test, since that’s where the infection showed up in the first place. They’re going to ask her next week. Maybe I’m just stressed by three weeks of constantly telling her to breathe when she walks—it’s the sure-fire way of getting her to shake less. Also, it’s been stress whenever she gets up because she has so much trouble walking. It’s a lot of work to move her from point A to point B. I don’t want her to get weak, though, so I try to get her up as often as I can, when I’m not too distracted by other things I have to do, that is. Yes, I feel like I’m constantly trying to hold down a blanket outside on a windy day, so that we can have a picnic, but when I get one corner down, another one flies up and then something gets knocked over… a losing battle.

Good Days

The good days have continued. In fact, this morning when Mary used the potty, she carefully measured out two sheets and then folded them just so, which seems to confirm that she's back to herself. She's not always walking better. She shakes a lot, but we just have to stop and let the tremor pass. It's like a wave going from her legs to her arms. I seriously believe that if she takes a deep breath, it passes sooner. She doesn't remember that, so I have to repeat it all the time. She also doesn't want to stop (would you stop if you felt like you were going to fall?), so I have to repeat myself all the time and make her stop. I wonder what the mental damage is when you've had to repeat yourself for years like this? I'm starting to wonder if taking care of Mary isn't actually a good preparation for being able to teach (better). I mean, I'm definitely learning patience and teachers have to repeat themeselves all the time.

Mary has definitely been more alert when visitors have been here, even though I'm sure she doesn't hear much. I wonder a lot about how much she does here. It's so easy for a person to fake how well they hear. Angie can never understand me anymore on the telephone. She understands Mary and Mom. They say it's my higher-pitched voice. Hmph.

I've been writing down everything I do and from what time to what time for the past week. This seems to really help keep me on-task. It's also helped me to see how long it takes to do things. Sometimes not long but often quite longer than I thought, so I don't feel so guilty for not getting so much done. It's also helped me to see how much time I spend taking care of Mary, even though I often feel like I just leave her sitting there while I go off and do other things all day. It's funny, but it's a little like writing things down when you're dieting! I feel a sense of accountability that was missing before. Angie says I wouldn't have so much to do if I would put things away. I thought that was an interesting comment. How observant people are! Can I learn to do that? Wouldn't it make me feel better? Well, I'm trying. Can't help but wonder when/if I'll fall off the wagon. But that's a horrible, negative thought that would surely end up being self-fulfilling.

I still end up having things on my list that don't get done. It often involves writing to people or, heaven forbid, calling them. I always put off contacting people. Why do I do that? What am I so afraid of???

Mary and I are supposed to go out to lunch with Mom (and Dad if he deems us suitable company), but the weather hasn't behaved. I'm getting very frustrated with the weather forecasters. It seems to be lately that if they say it will do one thing, it does the other. I wish I could get Mom and Mary to go see a movie. That Nanny McPhee one or the Inspector Clueso... I think we could all use the laugh.

Birthday Girl

Things have been so difficult that I haven't wanted to write. I hope I can catch up on them. I think I'm doing better now. I don't want to deal with the past month till I'm ready.

Well, today was a good day, so I will write about it. It was Mary's 95th birthday. I was so glad to have my digital camera and I hope I can figure things out enough to post some pics or maybe even a video. Bonnie gave her a red miniature rose bush with some little balloons attached yesterday and Mary just loved that. I finally had to put a note on it, though, saying that it was from Bonnie. She also got a few cards--from Barri (her last husband's daughter), Anna and Joyce (one of the daughters of Uncle John--I think she sold Mary this house). I had requested that people send pics so she could look at them over and over. Boy did I regret that! Joyce sent some pics and Mary must have asked me six times who they were!

Today started off with the bell ringing--it was the half dozen yellow roses I ordered yesterday. They're so beautiful! I love it when you actually get what you pay for. I made waffles for breakfast cause she loves them best next to cinnamon rolls, and they were too much trouble. Then Ursula called. Next a huge bouquet of irises came from Nikki and Simone. Then I worked on decorating the cake. I think Nikki and Simone called and she was talking to them when the therapist came. She walked around really well today. Delores and Pauline (another friend from Church) came just before the therapist left and brought Mary another card and some more flowers :-) Later on Mom came and we ate some cake and drank some champagne (the real stuff from France--very dry!). We piddled around quite a while and finally sat down with some coffee and played a few rounds of dominoes. Oddly enough, Mary was falling asleep until we started playing dominoes. I could tell that she's gotten worse. I realized this time that Mom and I look at the color of the dominoes and Mary looks at the number of dots. Interesting, huh?

We ended the evening with a bad dinner and are watching the Maltese Falcon, which I'm not particularly interested in, but there was nothing on TV and it's so famous.

Oh, I forgot the most exciting thing that happened today! There was a pretty, medium-sized dog wandering around. It ended up sitting on our front porch and looked so friendly that I went out to see it. There were tags, so I called the human society and gave them the adoption number. They were annoyed and said it wasn't the first time the dog had gotten lose, that her name was Sissi and they'd get in touch with the owner. The dog was so friendly, she immediately jumped up on Mary's lap! She was almost as big as Mary! They got along quite well, but I was afraid Mary's lap would get bruised. Well, that was the best-behaved dog I've ever seen! She was only two, so she was still energetic but so well-behaved. I hated to give her back when they came to get her. They said they'd put up a $2000-dollar fence to keep her in but that she kept running away. They though someone must have let her out. Maybe they did. I mean, it snowed, so the kids went to school late, and maybe one of them thought it was funny to let her out, but I can imagine a dog could get a gate open pretty easily by pushing up the latch with its nose. Everyone who came in loved her! Maybe they'll change their minds and give her to us! She was part rottweiler, but she didn't seem aggressive in the least. Oh, the cat wasn't so pleased to have such a visitor! I finally dragged her out and put her on Mary's lap, where she stayed for a bit. The dog wanted to check out the cat but when I told her to scram, she did.

What a strange day!