Mish-Mash

We had an orange with breakfast and Mary got some pulp stuck in her teeth. She couldn't get it out for love nor money, so I found myself trying to coax it out. I ended up taking some floss and flossing her teeth. I went ahead and did all of them (that I could) because they needed it so badly. She used to floss all the time, but, hey, I dont' know what she's doing with that floss. Just like I don't know what she's doing with the tooth brush. I couldn't believe it, though. Is there anything I havne't done for this woman? It really is just like having a child.

We went to two doctors today. The podiatrist just trimmed her toenail a bit more. He didn't seem much concerned about her toe hurting her so much. He cracks me up. He looks very German and up-tight. He's so very serious. He has loosened up a bit, though. I think he's rather young for a doctor--around my age. He has three different offices. I wonder why. He's not handsome but he's not bad looking.

I know, I'm a sad case, checking out Mary's doctors. It's just that they are the only intelligent, well-educated men I meet. When I put it that way, it makes absolute sense that I check them out! Well, let me tell you, the gastroenterologist was totally hubba-hubba. And so nice! Big sigh. He said to call him in a few weeks--so I don't have to come back in. I was thinking, "Oh, that's ok! No problem!" I gave Mary a prescription for a stronger antacid and switched her Protonix to the evening--with no calcium or vitamins. He also ordered some blood work. Maybe all those antibiotics for UTI's have screwed up her intestinal flora. Who knows?

We had a lot of time to kill between doctors' visits, but it wasn't worth going home, so we drove through a White Castle (didn't want to get out of the car) and then picked up a butter kuchen from the bakery across the street. Then we drove through Cherokee Park. It was a gray day and the trees were all bare and grass dead, but there were lots of people with dogs, which Mary and I both enjoyed.

I think I have a cyst on one of my knuckles. Well, one thing I've learned--don't put heat on it! Maybe I'll get out a bible and slam it down on it.

We're leaving for St L tomorrow. I hope the rain isn't too annoying. If everything goes alright, we'll be celebrating Mary's birthday in St L. I think that will be a good experience for the boys--celebrating Mary's 96th birthday.

Mom knitted a baby's cap, but it's too large for a baby. Mary tried it on and fell in love with it. She wears it all the time. Here's a picture of her wearing the cap and holding Jaden, the baby for whom the cap was intended.

You can see that he does have a big head. Maybe it would fit him!

I was quite proud of myself today. I handled the stress of the doctors' visits with a fair amount of aplomb. I only lost it once when I finally managed to get her chair into the podiatrist's tiny waiting room only to find myself and the wheelchair stuck between the door and another chair. I said, "Jesus Christ!" for which I immediately felt guilty and proceeded to climb over the chair behind me and move it. Why do doctors' offices never have doors for handicapped people? Are they too expensive? Why don't I go in and get someone to come out and help me? Do I enjoy playing a martyr? I get so angry that I can't think straight, true, but I also hate to ask for help. I think people should just offer it. I did ask for help when I left. She only held one door open and I asked her if she couldn't get the other one, too, which she was perfectly happy to do. But it did make me a bit annoyed that I had to ask. Hm. Maybe next time there's someone in a wheelchair she'll think about it herself and they won't have to ask.

I found a website with some games on it that are supposed to help older people keep their minds fit. I registered for the website so I can keep track of my progress--had to lie about my age! I was playing some tonight when it occured to me that Mary might enjoy them. She couldn't do the mouse though--especially not on a laptop, but on the puzzles she could sometime point to a piece on the screen and tell me where to put it. She was super slow, though, so I did a lot myself. She just kept exclaiming about how good I was--and it was the super easy level :-) I tried some other games, but I think they were too fast for her. However, this has got me thinking that I need to get some children's puzzles and clean the dining room table off so we can work on them. I have never been a puzzle person. I don't see the point in putting something together that you're just going to tear up and put away. However, I do see the value in the mental skills that you practice when doing a puzzle. As well as the sense of accomplishment and pleasure it would give someone like Mary who has very limited outlets for leisure activities. I often look at games in drugstores but it's hard to find one for Mary. She even finds Uno confusing. I'll have to have a look at the puzzles.

Tender Meat

I made french toast for dinner tonight. I didn't think Mary was too thrilled, but then she suddenly said, "This meat is nice and tender!" I told her what it was, but immediately wished I hadn't.

Teletubbies

Mary's watching the Teletubbies. She adores them! I always hated them, abhorred them, really, but I stumbled on them one day on TV and Mary seemed interested. She just repeats over and over, "Aren't they cute?" and chuckles. I think they fascinate her because they look adn act like babies. I think there needs to be a baby channel, just like there's Animal Planet and the Food Channel.

We were supposed to go to St L today, but Mary has "the diahrrita" and I had a migraine all night, so we're going to wait. She had heart burn last night around 10:30, and I should have given her an Immodium. She'll say that she's starving hungry and has to have something right away. She's got an appointment with a GI on Thursday and I was going to cancel it--since we were going to St L, but also since the cardiologist seemed to "fix" things. However, this proves to me that there's another problem going on that needs to be addressed. Mom was really pessimistic and asked what good it would do, but I think we might as well try. Maybe he can tweak her medications like the cardiologist did.

I actually felt good yesterday. I noticed that I felt lighter and actually optimistic or even joyful. That was due in part to the fact that the place whereI take my recycling now accepts plastic numbers 1 through 7. I'm just so happy about that! It makes me feel that life is improving, that our society is making progress.

Let's Go

I got up to let the dogs out to use the potty this evening and said, "Let's go!" Mary answered, "Where to?!" I don't know why but this has me totally cracked up. She was finally paying attention (ie, not sleeping) but didn't get the picture.

Pets

Kitty Baby

Bella

Rudi

Interesting Conversation

The other day Mary was asleep in front of the TV when she suddenly said, "When I get bigger, I can do some of the work by myself." A few minutes later she said, "I'll be your supervisor." Then she woke up. I thought it was so cute. Later that night when she started mumbling in the other room, and I sat up in my bed and craned to hear her better. It occured to me that I enjoy listening to her talk in her sleep so much because what she says in her sleep is so much more interesting than when she's awake.

I had such a bad day today. I've been having these black moods lately. I think Mary has been depressed, too. She said she felt bad last night. When I questioned her further, she said she felt bad emotionally. I get so mean to her when I'm feeling black. I was so miserable today, I just started crying.

I had to take her to the cardiologist. He increased some of her medications and gave me some nitroglycerin tablets for when she has chest pain at night. I'm so relieved!

We're going to St L next week because my sister G is having an operation. I'm also feeling very depressed about that situation.

Party, Party All Night Long

The next night Mary talked all night long again, but at least she was laughing a lot instead of seeing nasty things. It seems like ages since I've gotten a good night's sleep. Either she's talking or having chest pain, or I just can't sleep. There's a full moon tonight, so I'm preparing myself for not sleeping. Of course, it will then just become a self-fulfilling prophecy, won't it?

I'm getting so frustrated with myself. The house is completely full of clutter. I don't put things away. I pile things. I get magazines and catalogues I want to look at. Mom gives me magaizines and catalogues I want to look at. I've got German newspapers I haven't read. I have videos and CDs and cassettes I don't know how to organize. Mostly because I don't want to look at them. They remind me of the past. I used to enjoy them but that was a different me. But I don't want to get rid of them, either. I feel bloated with all the clutter around this place. It must make Mary ill, too, since it's not like her at all. She was always so neat and tidy.

I feel obsessed with food. Recipes. I collect and collect. But I don't have anyone to feed things to, so I don't make them. Mary eats like a bird and I eat like a pig, but there's a limit to my pigging out. I wish I baked bread, but I couldn't eat it all. Why am I so obsessed with food? Why can't I be obsessed with exercise? You know, something healthy. I feel like I can't breathe, but I just want to scream. I get ideas about (healthy) things I want to do and I even think about making a list, but then I think of the notebooks of lists I have and feel jaded and hopeless. It depresses me when people say not to make New Year's Resolutions. That's just so sad to think that you shouldn't resolve to better yourself--because you won't stick to it. What party-poopers!

Instead, I sit around and work on a new cross-stitch project. How crazy is that for a hobby--making little X's that you can barely see from a pattern that is barely discernable. I guess it's the idea that this beautiful picture is actually made up of itty-bitty X's and someone took the time to make all of them. It's a desire to create something colorful and beautiful.

I need to put the Xmas decorations away. That always depresses me. I used to like putting them up, at least, but I don't even care for that anymore. I just put them up because Aunt Anna told Mary over the phone that she was sure I'd put them up eventually. I did it to hear Mary say how pretty it was. I always need praise and recognition. Is that because I'm the youngest of a big family? I don't feel fully satisfied till someone compliments me. That's one reason Mary and I get on so well--she's a great complimenter.

I hope I can pull myself out of this funk, and soon. I don't belong to a gym anymore. My membership ran out and I didn't renew because it was so noisy there. I had thought I'd maybe join the YMCA, which has a gym that's nearer, but I haven't checked it out. I haven't really had time, but I don't feel that interested anymore. I don't want to join a gym in January along with all the other losers making resolutions they won't keep. It might jinx me. I really don't have the money, what with getting a new laptop and getting my gums fixed, and then we're going to need a new roof... And what's the use of belonging to a gym? I can only go twice a week and often not even then. Plus, it takes away from the time I can spend with Mom. I need to exercise when I'm at home. I thought about getting a treadmill, but I think you need to spend a lot of money to get a decent one. We don't really have the room here, anyway. I feel so negative right now. That's a bad way to start the new year.

All Through the Night

Well, that's what it seemed like last night, but I don't think Mary actually started talking out loud till about 4 AM. I slept so bady, it seems like I didn't get any sleep at all. Perhaps it was from resting so much yesterday, trying to recover from the cold I've caught form Mary.

At about 4:30 this morning I went in to see what Mary was talking about. She said I looked awful but couldn't explain how, so I turned on the light to show her that I looked normal. At first she agreed that I looked normal, but argued that she knew what she'd seen. Then she started saying again that I looked awful--that I had blood pouring from my nose and then from my eye and my forehead, that I had pins sticking in my forehead. This kind of freaked me out, as you can imagine. I mean, it's one thing for her to see people in the doorway or even up on the ceiling, but to see me like that! Also, she has always said that what she sees isn't scary and that was definitely scary. I told her it just wasn't true and turned the light off to get out of there as quickly as possible, since how she saw me disturbed both of us. She told me to make sure I kicked the man who'd done that in the butt when I saw him. I said I'd let him have it in the balls where it would really hurt. She replied that I should make sure he fell down. What an odd conversation! I told her I'd take care of him and left the room. She just kept talking, but I tried to sleep through it. I remember hearing her say something about ants later on. She also seemed to be talking to Bill (her first husband) several times.

This scary type of hallucinating makes me worried. I think this means she has a bad infection. Perhaps it's from the cold medicine I've been giving her, but her last dose was around 1 AM, so I don't see how it could be that. However, drugs do work differently in the elderly. It could also be the Levaquin, but I'm pretty sure she didn't hallucinate the last time she took it. Well, she only has one more day of it.

I'm going to start her on some cranberry pills today, to try to permanently get rid of her UTI. I don't look forward to it because she has to drink 8 oz of water with two pills twice a day. Trying to get her to drink a cup of water like that is like pulling teeth. She seems unable to just slug it back like I, or I assume other people, can. I looked at several products, though, and felt like this was the best.

At least she didn't have any chest pain last night. I'm so thankful for that! I'm wondering if I should give her that one baby aspirin a day at night. Who knows, though--perhaps she doesn't have chest pain during the day because I give it to her in the morning. Mom wants to start taking baby aspirins daily. I've got to call Dr R and make an appointment for her. Maybe I can do it at a time when I can go in with her. It's always best to have a second set of ears. I could also start a medical notebook for her. Not that she'd keep it up... It is hard to do, I must admit. Things seem so mundane, so you don't write them down, but then they turn out to have been important and then others seems so important, and you spend so much time writing them down, but in the end they don't mean much.

Hm, what to do about Mary's aspirin? Ok, I've decided. I'm going to keep it in the morning, but if I give her one in the night, I won't give her one the next morning.