Party, Party All Night Long

The next night Mary talked all night long again, but at least she was laughing a lot instead of seeing nasty things. It seems like ages since I've gotten a good night's sleep. Either she's talking or having chest pain, or I just can't sleep. There's a full moon tonight, so I'm preparing myself for not sleeping. Of course, it will then just become a self-fulfilling prophecy, won't it?

I'm getting so frustrated with myself. The house is completely full of clutter. I don't put things away. I pile things. I get magazines and catalogues I want to look at. Mom gives me magaizines and catalogues I want to look at. I've got German newspapers I haven't read. I have videos and CDs and cassettes I don't know how to organize. Mostly because I don't want to look at them. They remind me of the past. I used to enjoy them but that was a different me. But I don't want to get rid of them, either. I feel bloated with all the clutter around this place. It must make Mary ill, too, since it's not like her at all. She was always so neat and tidy.

I feel obsessed with food. Recipes. I collect and collect. But I don't have anyone to feed things to, so I don't make them. Mary eats like a bird and I eat like a pig, but there's a limit to my pigging out. I wish I baked bread, but I couldn't eat it all. Why am I so obsessed with food? Why can't I be obsessed with exercise? You know, something healthy. I feel like I can't breathe, but I just want to scream. I get ideas about (healthy) things I want to do and I even think about making a list, but then I think of the notebooks of lists I have and feel jaded and hopeless. It depresses me when people say not to make New Year's Resolutions. That's just so sad to think that you shouldn't resolve to better yourself--because you won't stick to it. What party-poopers!

Instead, I sit around and work on a new cross-stitch project. How crazy is that for a hobby--making little X's that you can barely see from a pattern that is barely discernable. I guess it's the idea that this beautiful picture is actually made up of itty-bitty X's and someone took the time to make all of them. It's a desire to create something colorful and beautiful.

I need to put the Xmas decorations away. That always depresses me. I used to like putting them up, at least, but I don't even care for that anymore. I just put them up because Aunt Anna told Mary over the phone that she was sure I'd put them up eventually. I did it to hear Mary say how pretty it was. I always need praise and recognition. Is that because I'm the youngest of a big family? I don't feel fully satisfied till someone compliments me. That's one reason Mary and I get on so well--she's a great complimenter.

I hope I can pull myself out of this funk, and soon. I don't belong to a gym anymore. My membership ran out and I didn't renew because it was so noisy there. I had thought I'd maybe join the YMCA, which has a gym that's nearer, but I haven't checked it out. I haven't really had time, but I don't feel that interested anymore. I don't want to join a gym in January along with all the other losers making resolutions they won't keep. It might jinx me. I really don't have the money, what with getting a new laptop and getting my gums fixed, and then we're going to need a new roof... And what's the use of belonging to a gym? I can only go twice a week and often not even then. Plus, it takes away from the time I can spend with Mom. I need to exercise when I'm at home. I thought about getting a treadmill, but I think you need to spend a lot of money to get a decent one. We don't really have the room here, anyway. I feel so negative right now. That's a bad way to start the new year.