Realizations

I'd been having these "realization moments" the past year or year and a half or so when I would know that something had changed forever. I remember when I knew that I'd given Mary her last shower. There was the moment when I knew she wouldn't be wearing regular panties anymore. It was a relief and yet also a sad time when I realized that I wasn't going to take Mary into the bathroom anymore but only use the potty chair. These changes always had a ripple effect on our routine. I liked to find the best way to do something and then stick with it, so I didn't have to rethink things repeatedly. So I'd find myself thinking, "OK, this is the way we're going to do this now." Those were moments when I knew that we'd entered a new phase of some sort.

Now I'm having these "realization moments" about my new phase in life. These moments all have one thing in common, though--they're all realizations that Mary won't be doing, seeing, eating, experiencing something with me anymore. The first banana I ate, sitting on the swing, the new penuche frosting recipe I tried, the flowers I'm planting in the yard... It was a relief to be able to cut the grass when I wanted and not have to stop every half hour or so, but I just kept remembering her sitting up there on the porch and how I'd wave to her and she'd be so tickled to be out there seeing everything.

I wasn't sure if I should get flowers for the back yard. I've been getting them for so long... but they were always for Mary. I knew I should spend the money. But I did it for Mary. I can look at them and know she'd love them.

I was working in the kitchen this evening when I heard the latch on the gate rattle. I let Rudi out but he didn't bark and then just came back in. I heard the rattle a bit later, like someone wanted to come in, so I went out to look. There was Max, the huge chocolate lab from then next street over. I'd taken him in a few times and even called the pound twice because his owner wasn't home and he was just too big for our house. I had something in the oven, so when Jo came home, I took him over and, luckily, they were home. I think they keep him in the backyard and didn't know he's gotten out. It was so weird to realize that if I hadn't had something in the oven, I could have taken him over. I can run to the store if I need something. I can take the dogs for a walk whenever I want...

Speaking of dogs, Bella didn't want to come home! She stayed at Mom's! This is the second time that she didn't want to come with me. I have to admit that my feelings are hurt. Am I going to lose my dog? Rudi still seems like Mary's dog.

I still haven't heard anything from Anna or Mike about the house. That's so strange. Well, they probably expect me to go to them since I'm executrix, but my lawyer said I didn't have to, and I think he'd rather I didn't talk to them because I'm liable to say something I shouldn't. It just seems like they'd say something to me since my lawyer has talked to them and they know that this is now their house. I haven't heard anything from the lawyer, either, but he was supposed to file the suit on Monday.

Oh, on a completely different note--I talked to a friend in Wuppertal, where I used to live in Germany. I got onto Skype and told him about it, so that's how he called me. That meant I didn't get to go over to G&P to work since we talked for almost an hour, but that's alright--especially as it was free! He said there's a position open at Inlingua, where I used to work. I just laughed but I should have asked him how much it paid! I asked him if there was still dog poop everywhere and if the druggies still hung out around the train station and he said it was all worse than ever! No, seriously, I can't imagine living there again. As I told him, I left because there was nothing keeping me there. I never got into a serious relationship, you know? I mean, friends are great, but they're not necessarily a reason to stay someplace.

I keep hearing this odd sound--like my alarm clock beeping. I don't hear it all the time but quite often. It's very annoying. I guess it's tinnitus and must mean I'm not getting enough blood flow to my brain.

Speaking of blood flow, I came closer today than I ever have to participating in a charity walk! I chickened out in the end, though. Saving $20 was a big incentive! There's a group I'd be interested in joining. It's called Kentuckiana Singles Walkers and Hikers. They walk ca. 8 miles every Sunday. It just seems weird, though, to belong to a group that you'd have to leave if you weren't single anymore. I guess they mean single as opposed to married, but maybe they mean as opposed to dating! Odd, odd. Oh, I'd also thought about founding a Stammtisch (German conversation group) since I can't find one here, especially if I have to stay put for the next six to nine months. It's hard to learn to go out again. I was supposed to go out with this woman I met through another friend. We were both going to work on knitting/crocheting projects, but she was running late and then had to cancel. I'm just relieved to be able to stay home--just like with the charity walk. Mm, mm, mm. I've got to get a life...outside this house, that is.

Life Going On, Basically

Now that I seem to not be breaking down crying all the time when I'm alone and can actually turn the TV or radio on, I'm starting to feel guilty for not missing Mary more. I mean, I do miss her terribly, but... My life is going on. That seems so natural on one hand and so impossible on the other. Sometimes I just think that I feel like I've gotten out a bit and that when I get back home, she'll be there. I even feel a bit...what is that feeling? Antsy? Guilty? Nervous? It was a feeling I used to have because I knew I only had a certain amount of time and I had to get back home. Other times I feel like I'm swimming in time. Mostly it's nice to be able to do things and not have to constantly check that she's alright or have her repeatedly wanting to help. That's hard to admit. I feel bad for writing it. Oh, now I'm going to get all teary eyed because I do miss her!

I still haven't really made myself a meal like I would have done for us. I eat this or that and scrounge around. I made a cake for G&P (I need to earn some money!), but it was a spice cake with caramel icing, so I didn't have to decorate it. I remember feeling like I'd never want to decorate anymore cakes, like I'd never want to do anything else again.

I had to mow the lawn, though! Mary wouldn't have liked my letting it get so high. I just ordered a new battery. I guess the ones I had lasted for pretty long. It's certainly a lot faster mowing the lawn now. I remember how I'd get Mary all together and put her out on the front porch. I'd have to have something to put her legs up (so her ankles and feet wouldn't get swollen) and something to drink and maybe the newspaper... By the time I got that all set up, I was worn out! Then she kept saying, "I wish we had a boy..." and I'd say, "I do, too! A young, good-looking one!" I don't know if she ever got my joke. Toward the end I think she didn't get a lot of my jokes. Like I'd always say I had to wipe her because we didn't want any doody in the poody and that I didn't want her doing the itchy bucket dance.

Did I mention that I'm thinking about doing a Professional Baker's Diploma from a local school? I need to find out how much it will cost. It's 9 months. Just to do something for myself. Sometimes I think that's all I've ever done and that I'm the most spoiled person in the world.

I'm thinking about going to a dance-camp this weekend. It's for contra dancing, which is kind of like square dancing but sort of like line-dancing. I kind of want to and kind of don't. I'd have to go by myself, which is the best way to meet people. It would cost about $50. I really should spend the money. The weather is supposed to be great. I think I should go. Mom wants me to go.

I started reading a book that I got from my sister Gina before she died. It's called Letting Go of Shame. I never really thought about negative self-thoughts/feelings as being shame, per se. I guess we could all be carrying around a lot of shame.

Well, there's lots to do round here, so I guess I should go do some of it. I've got to bake a Kirschwaehe for Mom, make some Waldorf Salad with a bunch of apples she gave me and make some lentil salad with some cilantro she gave me. I need to do all that spring cleaning stuff, balance the check book, make a to do list related to Mary (esp. changing utilities over to my name), organize paperwork from the last couple of years, write thank you notes to people for their support over the last few weeks, call some people who have called me and some other stuff.

Grieving

I think I'm going to quit taking the dogs for a walk--it's so painful to come back. No, I'm just joking. I know it's very good for all of us, even if it is painful.

That's two evenings in a row I've just sat here and bawled my eyes out till I couldn't breathe through my nose anymore. Then I tell myself that's enough. And go get a glass of wine. But this is the last of that delicious wine, so I'll either have to move on to something else or just move on. I miss her so, so, so much! Now I'm going to start crying again. The dogs and cat just look at me like they can't figure out what my problem is. I miss all those little things. I want her here again so much that it just hurts so bad. It's like someone is stabbing me in the chest with something very large and heavy. How did Mary survive losing three husbands? How upset she must have been after Bill died. She was nine years older than me and went on to marry two more men. She never sat around and bawled about people dying. Of course, I didn't let her. I tried to comfort her and keep her spirits up. But I don't have anyone here to do that for me. I don't want anyone here to do that. I mean, Mom is so unemotional. And I just don't feel like sitting around bawling with Bonnie or JoAnn. I don't have a best friend. Mary was my best friend, my bosom-buddy.

When I was out cutting the grass, a young man next door (at the Cubans') asked if I wanted some help. I told him no, that my aunt had died and I had a lot of time now and it was good for me to have something to do. I know he didn't understand exactly. I mean, he knew someone had died. He asked if it was the fat one! Oh, my! I guess he never saw Mary. I didn't recognize him, but they have so many people coming and going. While I was cutting the grass, I also saw my next door neighbor Inga, but I didn't go up to her and tell her that Mary had died. I put the black bows on the doors and I feel like that ought to let people know. They're not exactly very apparent, but they're there. Inga and her husband (whose name I can not remember for the life of me) are strange people, not exactly friendly. Maybe they think I'm the unfriendly one. It's just a strange neighborhood. Maybe I should be happy that I don't get the house and just let it go. I mean, this house is not me; it's not the sort of house I would buy. I can't tell you why. I mean, I've never even considered buying a house, so I really don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just talking, just to feel like I'm talking to someone.

Maybe I should call Mom. She's probably watching TV. I feel like I should be able to handle this, do it alone. I'm so lonely. I always was. And now I am again. I'm so scared. I'm so scared of being alone and being depressed. I'm scared of that yawning black hole that threatens to swallow you up and make life a living hell. I'm scared of not having enough money. I'm scared of working at a job I hate and feeling like my life is of no consequence. I'm scared of something happening to the dogs or cat. I'm scared of not having enough money. I'm scared of being alone. These thoughts just keep going round and round in my head and heart.

There was someone cutting down a tree down the road from us and when I woke up this morning, I thought it was Mary snoring. I felt so relieved, like I'd had a bad dream but everything was OK when I woke up. When I went to sleep, I thought, "I'll just pretend she's in there asleep. If I pretend, it feels like it's true."

How can I carry on here for six months, not knowing if I'm going to get this house, not knowing what's going to happen to me? How can I make my life meaningful during that time? By the time the litigation is over, it will be fall and that's a horrible time to travel. How can I think things like that only a few seconds after shedding tears because I miss Mary? I feel like an emotionally unstable teenager again. I feel emotionally unstable. I wonder what I've done with my life and why I did it. I was constantly struggling to have more energy, get more done, take better care of Mary...and now suddenly it's all moot. Null and void. That's how I feel. Why is going to the grocery so difficult? I bought bananas today and that was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my life!

I'm afraid to turn on the TV. It's so normal and my life is not normal anymore. It all goes on like nothing has changed. I don't want to have any part of that.

I need to fold clothes but can't bring myself to do it.

I hate this house! It's so full of memories! I'm so tired of feeling like an intruder here! Why am I seemingly destined to not have a home? I've been homeless since I went to Cincinnati when I was 21. Why did Mary have to leave me now?

Did I waste Mary's money?

The House

I went to probate court with the lawyer this morning. I just had to raise my right hand and swear that I would be a good executrix of the will and then sign something. They gave me a piece of paper saying that they'd probated the will. This is what I will need for the bank and other accounts, I believe.

The lawyer had talked to Anna, who said she preferred if he talked to Mike, who said that they had no intention of giving me the house as Mary had desired because it was Anna's inheritance. Shame on them! Shame, shame! How can she go to church and feel like a good Christian?! Well, the lawyer will contend that Mary didn't take Anna to court because she knew it would have been too much for her at the age of 95 and had hoped that Anna would do the right thing, i.e., what she had requested. They will try to make me look greedy and like I was influencing Mary to change her will and that she didn't really know what she was doing. I will try to make Anna look greedy and like she renigged on her agreement with Mary, which she did, so I have no problem with that. I need to talk to some other people to see if anyone else ever heard Anna or Mary say that Anna said she would move in and take care of Mary. I told the lawyer that Mom would probably not be a good witness to call, that she would get easily confused. One minute she says one thing and then the next swears to the opposite. I don't know why she does that, but it's clear that she would not help our case. I know she's upset that I will be dividing the family, but I feel that it's Anna who chose to divide the family by trying to take advantage of Mary and then not letting Mary have her house back. And what family is there to divide? We never have anything to do with them anyway. My family is behind me and that's all that matters to me.

Now, I must, absolutely must, get changed and get outside to do some yard work. It will take several days to cut the grass because it's so high and rained recently. I'll have to recharge the batteries several times.

Oh, the lawyer said it will probably take six months to settle the suit. Anna can't make me move out during the litigation but if I lose, she can charge me rent (an amount decided upon by the judge) for the time I was staying in the house after Mary died. At this moment, I'm here illegally. Can you imagine how that feels to me? I can't begin to put it into words. The place I have lived in for over eight years, where I tended to Mary as well as took care of the yard and repairs, is now an illegal place for me to be staying. I need to call and have the locks changed in case they get any ideas about the things in the hosue being theirs. The lawyer said I should call an insurance company and take out insurance on everything in the house in case something should happen (fire, tornado, etc).

Bake-Therapy

I've gotten control of myself for the most part.

I put the gel cushion that was on Mary's bed in the corner of her room where her bed used to be. Mom seemed a bit unsure of my having only rented the hospital bed instead of buying it, but it wasn't a very nice bed and I knew I would never think of it as Mary's bed, really, and that I wouldn't want it around after she was gone. The bed I sleep on was Mary's bed when I first moved in. Anyway, I put sheets and an afghan I'd crocheted for Mary on the gel cushion, so it looks like a sort of bed. I meant it to look sort of homey and inviting, but it just looks kind of sad. I'd like to put my meditation cushion in there, but 1) the kitty litter box is in there and it smells sometimes (Mary could never smell it.) and 2) I feel so distressed when I'm in there, I'm not sure I could do much meditating.

I decided to forgo folding the clothes that Jo has been washing all week. There are too many things from Mary in there. Things she just wore recently. I almost lost it when I had to put the clothes that she wore to the hospital away in her room. I'd intended for her to wear them home. So I decided to make another angel food cake. This will be the third one in the last week, I think. I had a lot of egg whites left from the yellow cakes I've been making recently. The only thing is that I don't have enough granulated sugar. I took my last bag to Mom's since I was using up all of her flour and stuff. I think I'll try a brown sugar angel food cake recipe. Not that I feel much like baking, but it's a distraction. I'm also working on a bottle of red wine that my sister-in-law Jan left at Mom's house. That's probably not a good idea. The last thing I need is a migraine tomorrow during probate court. What do you wear to probate court? I guess I should look into that before I go to bed.

It's after 10 PM and Jo should be home soon. I'd kind of like to be in bed. I just don't feel like talking to anyone or sitting in the living room--without Mary there.

Home Alone

I'm back home, well, at Mary's house, whatever it is, for the first time tonight. Mom seemed really sad for me to leave, but I can't stay there forever. I knew it would be hard, but I just don't know if I can do this. I mean, I have to, and I know it will get better, but it is so, so, so painful. I took the dogs for a walk and the whole time all I could think about was that Mary wouldn't be there waiting when we got back.

I started to put things away that I'd brought back from Mom's--I've got my work cut out for me what with using up apples and cherries and things she had before they go bad. I went to put some papers that were on the counter away and one of them was this picture they took of Mary when we took her into the ER. It was so cute--she looked like such a little bird in her blue toboggan and sun glasses. Oh, my God, that picture almost killed me! It just made it seem so impossible that she's gone. It was just like yesterday when we took her into the hospital and even though she was having some pain, she was in good spirits and so perky and just so Mary! I so miss making her a cup of coffee and all the sweet things she would say. I even thought about putting Heidi on and sitting in the kitchen so I could imagine that she was watching it! But looking at the house as we approached and knowing she wasn't sitting in there waiting... I always used to say to the dogs, "Come on! Let's go home to Mary!" when we were coming toward the house. Everything is so painful! And I just keep seeing that moment when I knew something strange was happening in the hospital. When I knew it wasn't a normal fit or attack. Everything went downhill from there so fast and I couldn't stop it! She was there and then she was so far gone and then she was all gone... It's all just egotistical, really. If she died, it was because her body didn't function properly at some point. But if only I had done something, something else different... she would still be here with me. We had it so good together. I just want another summer... Just another month, why couldn't I have that?! I just feel so alone without her. Nothing seems to make sense or have any value. Everything was for her. Her little compliments and comments. I even miss her moaning! Why didn't I tape it? Why did she have to leave me now? I just want her back!

Catching Up on Things

I was over at the house today and got some bills paid, stuff shredded and a little cleaning up done. Things that seemed so difficult now seem easier. Why is that? There was so much resistance in me to pay bills and now it seems easier. I think it's that I don't feel distracted. Maybe it's also because I'm getting more sleep and can concentrate better. Reading my blog back from the beginning, it really hit me how steep a decline in energy I had upon taking care of Mary full-time. I think that was a direct result of a loss of sleep. But there is certainly something to be said for knowing you won't have to have half of your mind somewhere else the whole while you're doing something, never knowing when you'll suddenly have to drop what you're doing.

Not that I'm complaining. I'd give anything to have Mary back in a heartbeat. She was my security blanket, in a way. Even though she was forgetting so much, she was still that same serene, easily-pleased person. How I loved to sit on the arm of her lazy boy and put my arm around her, maybe read to her. She loved to have a little story read to her before she went to bed. And of course we'd have to make room for Rudi--he never could stand to have someone else next to her. When I'd crawl into bed next to her, he'd be right there! She'd tell me to kick him out, but there was no way I could do that.

Anyway, I finally called the insurance company because I couldn't find any recent info about her car insurance. Sure enough, I had let it slide and it was canceled at the end of September, 2008! I've been driving the Cadillac without insurance! The thing was that I switched my car insurance over to her company just before that and then got confused because I knew I was paying auto insurance but didn't realize it was just on one car, not two. What a mess! Well, they put the Cadillac on my policy with my Ford, so I will just get one bill for auto insurance and then the other bill for the homeowner's insurance.

I also called to cancel the cable service. They charged almost $10 just to cancel! Crazy! Now I have to get an antenna for the TV and hook up the converter box, which I had luckily already gotten. It will be strange not to have cable! But I don't expect to be watching much TV anyway. I never had one when I lived alone. Plus, watching TV alone depresses me. The TV reminds me so much of Mary.

I called for them to come take the hospital bed away. Every time I went into Mary's bedroom, I started crying. It was so full of her, I guess. Well, really, almost every time I'm alone, I start crying. I was trying to explain to Mom that it's not just that I'll remember something but also that it's like trying to see if I still feel the pain, if the wound is still there, maybe because I feel guilty for not crying all the time. Maybe it's more like putting your weight on a sore foot to see if it's healed yet.

Well, I'm making hot cross buns for one of my brothers, so I'd better go check on them. Oh, I got a beautiful card from the librarians today. That was so thoughtful! When I took the dogs for a walk this evening, I went in for about 30 seconds to tell them thanks. (The library's just down the road from my mom's house.)

I noticed that when I go over to the house, I feel very possessive of it! I clean up any little messes (very little) that Jo has left. I feel like I must leave it pristine in memory of Mary. I also feel so horribly guilty for all of my little messes (mostly piles) as well as the dirt (say, on the base boards). Mary must have hated that so much and I could have made her life better by not being so messy!

And So It Goes On...

I thought everything was finished and would be very cut and dried, but when I visited the lawyer on Friday to set up a time to go to probate court (since I am executrix of the will), he encouraged me to file a suit against Anna to get the house. He said that he has handled similar cases and thinks I have a very, very good chance of winning. His point is that Anna always said she would move in with Mary and take care of her, which must have been why Mary put Anna on the deed to the house. Anna never fulfilled this "contract." I, however, did move in and take care of Mary and she even expressed to Anna that she wanted to remove Anna from the deed for the purpose of giving the house to me, thereby making a new "contract" with me, so Anna really has no right to the house--mainly because she never fulfilled her agreement with Mary. If only Mary had been willing to do this when she was alive... but she was afraid Anna would never talk to her again. She shouldn't have cared since Anna very rarely ever talked to her again and 99.99% of the time it was through my urging Mary to call her.

So I will have to pay the lawyer about $3,000 to handle the will. Then I will have to pay him about $8,000 to file the suit. If we win, he said he would take 25% of the value of the house. That seems like a lot. I can understand his thinking that I'll be the 75% richer but... oh, my. I think I'll talk to George, my (no longer Mary's) financial adviser. It may be that Anna wants to have 1/3 of the value of the house, in which case we would not file suit. It may be that she doesn't want to pay to go to court over the issue and so agrees to a settlement of some sort. Or it may be that she wins. But I feel that I should fight because Mary asked her to take her name off the deed and she should have done it then. It's like when the administration at St X High School would say that it wasn't really my decision to give a boy a detention--it was his decision to do the action that required me to give it to him. Anna acted unfairly and this is the appropriate response. Mary hated anyone telling her what to do with her business and I'm going to fight for her. They led her around by the nose and I'm going to say, "No more." This is for Mary.

Fred wants me to call a friend of his who is a lawyer because this man said that my lawyer can't file this suit, that it would be a conflict of interest for him because he was a witness to the will. I never understood how he could be a witness and just trusted him that he could. Was I an idiot then? Oh, how I hate these issues that make your stomach flop and turn inside out! It seems to me that he is simply continuing to represent Mary's interests. Well, my niece said she would check with her lawyer, so I hope she lets me know soon what he says. I'm just glad that my family supports me. I don't want to be thought of as greedy. But I do want to fight for what Mary wanted.

On a completely different note, I now have more time for Mom. I can take her in to the dentist, which is all the way downtown, and go to her doctor's appointments with her--until I start the next phase in my life. I'll also be doing a bit of work for my brother Gus--the one I always did cakes for, and I can still make cakes and earn a bit of money from him. I feel absolutely broke even though I now actually have some money. That doesn't make any sense, I know. I guess it's hard to shake the thoughts and feelings of not having any money. I always said I would travel for a year. I have friends in New Zealand, Germany, Norway, and here in the US to visit as well as family. I've never visited my niece in Maryland or my cousins in Washington State or Wisconsin. Once I start working, I won't be able to do that so easily, so now is really the best time. Then I'll get on with my new life...

Endings and Beginnings

Mary passed away Saturday night. A pain shoots through my stomach as I type those words and my eyes fill with tears. I have never been so thoroughly grief-stricken as I am now. I miss her so much! What I would give to have her back. I think of little moments and just can't believe they are gone and can be no more. I just think, no, no, no...this just can't be. I want my Mary back! I feel like someone has taken part of me away, as if they have physically stripped me of part of myself. I don't feel her here with me at all and I'm so, so, so very afraid of forgetting her! Isn't that insane? I've written a blog and have so many pictures and little videos of her...how could I forget her?! She was my purpose in life, though. I feel so lost, so directionless. I even keep getting this little feeling in my stomach that I should get home, as if she's there waiting for me. I've been staying at Mom's, but others will be coming into town, so I'll need to go back to the house after tomorrow night, I guess. But I don't want to be there alone with Jo. Isn't that weird? It's just that it's so not right. In the sense of what the reality should be, not any moral sense or anything. It's like it doesn't compute. I'm so glad I have the dogs! Isn't that crazy? But they're such a bit of normalcy for me. And something to love and lavish affection on.

I don't think I can write about what happened. I've talked about it, but to see the words in front of me...I don't think I could bear it. I still feel her body, though. I didn't want to let go of it. Isn't this just so purely selfish? I'm being such a baby. I'm not thinking of Mary at all. She didn't want to go. She didn't expect it. I didn't either. I hope she didn't realize what was happening to her. Oh, how I hope that! That really hurts to imagine that she did. No, I can't believe she really did. I think it happened so fast that if the idea had occurred to her, she wouldn't have had time to pursue it. I just want her back so badly. I could write that over and over. Fill a notebook and I'd still feel it so intensely. She was my A and O. Do they say that in English?

And I'm so bewildered by what is to come. It doesn't seem real. I can't see it at all. I can't see myself living somewhere else, having a job, living some strange and lonely life without my Mary. Yet I see, too, how many people care for me. I have gotten so much support. My life with Mary has not been isolated and, knowing myself, it will not be isolated in the future, but I feel the impact of loneliness and the knowledge that I am now fully alone hits me like a weight on my chest and a blast of air that knocks my breath out of me, like when I was a child and fell off the bunk bed and had the air knocked out of my lungs. I have to tell myself, "Breath in. Breath out," over and over again. I open the door a bit and the fear starts to ooze in before I push it quickly closed again with the force of my whole weight against it. I'm so afraid of this fear. I've felt physically dizzy and nauseated the last few days. I laugh but feel the tears behind my eyes all the while. I can't eat anything but bread and drink only tea. I feel hunger but have no appetite. I want my Mary back! I must have never really believed she would leave me. Stupid, huh?

So now begins Life without Auntie Mary. But will my life ever be without her? Hasn't she become some integral part of me? I have her, I have her--but I still want her back! I know, get over it. But I dont' want to. The pain of not having her seems so unbearable. I feel like I'm two people now. How can I explain that? It's so bizarre. It was like a marriage, you know? Where they say, "Two become as one." I always sort of thought that was a sexual reference, but now I completely understand. That's why I feel like a part of me has been physically stripped away.

But life must go on, mustn't it? Mary lost three husbands and still went on. She didn't seem to waste much time grieving. She got on with life. She didn't wallow in sorrow. I'll clean the house. It's time for spring cleaning. And this will be for Mary. I have a lot of paperwork to get in order. I feel like an animal that will be shedding its skin or transforming into something else. The episode of my life taking care of Mary seemed such a gradual transformation, but this one is preceded by a crack. There will be gradual changes but there was the gut-, mind-, and heart-wrenching break with the past first. Who will I become now? What direction will my compass settle on? What form will this new existence, this new creature take?

I'm tired. So, so tired. I was tired before and so was Mary. Her body was more tired than she knew, I think. I'm tired out from grief. Thank God for that! Thank God that crying wears a person out. It's as good as hot milk. I'm reading through this blog and contemplating things for maybe the last time, such as who was Mary, really? What is the essence of a person? So I'll stop now in preparation for going on soon.