Catching Up on Things

I was over at the house today and got some bills paid, stuff shredded and a little cleaning up done. Things that seemed so difficult now seem easier. Why is that? There was so much resistance in me to pay bills and now it seems easier. I think it's that I don't feel distracted. Maybe it's also because I'm getting more sleep and can concentrate better. Reading my blog back from the beginning, it really hit me how steep a decline in energy I had upon taking care of Mary full-time. I think that was a direct result of a loss of sleep. But there is certainly something to be said for knowing you won't have to have half of your mind somewhere else the whole while you're doing something, never knowing when you'll suddenly have to drop what you're doing.

Not that I'm complaining. I'd give anything to have Mary back in a heartbeat. She was my security blanket, in a way. Even though she was forgetting so much, she was still that same serene, easily-pleased person. How I loved to sit on the arm of her lazy boy and put my arm around her, maybe read to her. She loved to have a little story read to her before she went to bed. And of course we'd have to make room for Rudi--he never could stand to have someone else next to her. When I'd crawl into bed next to her, he'd be right there! She'd tell me to kick him out, but there was no way I could do that.

Anyway, I finally called the insurance company because I couldn't find any recent info about her car insurance. Sure enough, I had let it slide and it was canceled at the end of September, 2008! I've been driving the Cadillac without insurance! The thing was that I switched my car insurance over to her company just before that and then got confused because I knew I was paying auto insurance but didn't realize it was just on one car, not two. What a mess! Well, they put the Cadillac on my policy with my Ford, so I will just get one bill for auto insurance and then the other bill for the homeowner's insurance.

I also called to cancel the cable service. They charged almost $10 just to cancel! Crazy! Now I have to get an antenna for the TV and hook up the converter box, which I had luckily already gotten. It will be strange not to have cable! But I don't expect to be watching much TV anyway. I never had one when I lived alone. Plus, watching TV alone depresses me. The TV reminds me so much of Mary.

I called for them to come take the hospital bed away. Every time I went into Mary's bedroom, I started crying. It was so full of her, I guess. Well, really, almost every time I'm alone, I start crying. I was trying to explain to Mom that it's not just that I'll remember something but also that it's like trying to see if I still feel the pain, if the wound is still there, maybe because I feel guilty for not crying all the time. Maybe it's more like putting your weight on a sore foot to see if it's healed yet.

Well, I'm making hot cross buns for one of my brothers, so I'd better go check on them. Oh, I got a beautiful card from the librarians today. That was so thoughtful! When I took the dogs for a walk this evening, I went in for about 30 seconds to tell them thanks. (The library's just down the road from my mom's house.)

I noticed that when I go over to the house, I feel very possessive of it! I clean up any little messes (very little) that Jo has left. I feel like I must leave it pristine in memory of Mary. I also feel so horribly guilty for all of my little messes (mostly piles) as well as the dirt (say, on the base boards). Mary must have hated that so much and I could have made her life better by not being so messy!