Realizations

I'd been having these "realization moments" the past year or year and a half or so when I would know that something had changed forever. I remember when I knew that I'd given Mary her last shower. There was the moment when I knew she wouldn't be wearing regular panties anymore. It was a relief and yet also a sad time when I realized that I wasn't going to take Mary into the bathroom anymore but only use the potty chair. These changes always had a ripple effect on our routine. I liked to find the best way to do something and then stick with it, so I didn't have to rethink things repeatedly. So I'd find myself thinking, "OK, this is the way we're going to do this now." Those were moments when I knew that we'd entered a new phase of some sort.

Now I'm having these "realization moments" about my new phase in life. These moments all have one thing in common, though--they're all realizations that Mary won't be doing, seeing, eating, experiencing something with me anymore. The first banana I ate, sitting on the swing, the new penuche frosting recipe I tried, the flowers I'm planting in the yard... It was a relief to be able to cut the grass when I wanted and not have to stop every half hour or so, but I just kept remembering her sitting up there on the porch and how I'd wave to her and she'd be so tickled to be out there seeing everything.

I wasn't sure if I should get flowers for the back yard. I've been getting them for so long... but they were always for Mary. I knew I should spend the money. But I did it for Mary. I can look at them and know she'd love them.

I was working in the kitchen this evening when I heard the latch on the gate rattle. I let Rudi out but he didn't bark and then just came back in. I heard the rattle a bit later, like someone wanted to come in, so I went out to look. There was Max, the huge chocolate lab from then next street over. I'd taken him in a few times and even called the pound twice because his owner wasn't home and he was just too big for our house. I had something in the oven, so when Jo came home, I took him over and, luckily, they were home. I think they keep him in the backyard and didn't know he's gotten out. It was so weird to realize that if I hadn't had something in the oven, I could have taken him over. I can run to the store if I need something. I can take the dogs for a walk whenever I want...

Speaking of dogs, Bella didn't want to come home! She stayed at Mom's! This is the second time that she didn't want to come with me. I have to admit that my feelings are hurt. Am I going to lose my dog? Rudi still seems like Mary's dog.

I still haven't heard anything from Anna or Mike about the house. That's so strange. Well, they probably expect me to go to them since I'm executrix, but my lawyer said I didn't have to, and I think he'd rather I didn't talk to them because I'm liable to say something I shouldn't. It just seems like they'd say something to me since my lawyer has talked to them and they know that this is now their house. I haven't heard anything from the lawyer, either, but he was supposed to file the suit on Monday.

Oh, on a completely different note--I talked to a friend in Wuppertal, where I used to live in Germany. I got onto Skype and told him about it, so that's how he called me. That meant I didn't get to go over to G&P to work since we talked for almost an hour, but that's alright--especially as it was free! He said there's a position open at Inlingua, where I used to work. I just laughed but I should have asked him how much it paid! I asked him if there was still dog poop everywhere and if the druggies still hung out around the train station and he said it was all worse than ever! No, seriously, I can't imagine living there again. As I told him, I left because there was nothing keeping me there. I never got into a serious relationship, you know? I mean, friends are great, but they're not necessarily a reason to stay someplace.

I keep hearing this odd sound--like my alarm clock beeping. I don't hear it all the time but quite often. It's very annoying. I guess it's tinnitus and must mean I'm not getting enough blood flow to my brain.

Speaking of blood flow, I came closer today than I ever have to participating in a charity walk! I chickened out in the end, though. Saving $20 was a big incentive! There's a group I'd be interested in joining. It's called Kentuckiana Singles Walkers and Hikers. They walk ca. 8 miles every Sunday. It just seems weird, though, to belong to a group that you'd have to leave if you weren't single anymore. I guess they mean single as opposed to married, but maybe they mean as opposed to dating! Odd, odd. Oh, I'd also thought about founding a Stammtisch (German conversation group) since I can't find one here, especially if I have to stay put for the next six to nine months. It's hard to learn to go out again. I was supposed to go out with this woman I met through another friend. We were both going to work on knitting/crocheting projects, but she was running late and then had to cancel. I'm just relieved to be able to stay home--just like with the charity walk. Mm, mm, mm. I've got to get a life...outside this house, that is.