Really Home Alone

This is the first night I've spent alone in the house. Jo is in Cincinnati. She and Devin are walking a mini-marathon tomorrow.

I keep thinking about Mary and how it must have been for her before I moved in, how lonely she must have been. I wonder a lot about what it was like for her when she was having all those problems with Uncle Harry and then after he died... I don't know if this makes any sense, but my heart aches for her. Isn' that crazy? She's not even alive anymore and yet I feel pain for her for the times in her life when she felt pain. Why didn't I care more then? I know, I was a teenager, but I remember hearing the stories and Dad and Mom talking to her on the phone, but it wasn't my problem. Well, I guess it didn't damage her too much because she always said she had had three good husbands. I think she must have blocked it out, all the trouble she had with Harry. (He was a very quiet man when they got married and then at some point she discovered that he had a chemical imbalance. He quit taking his medicine and was never right again till he died. He tried to strangle Mary at one point, but she always said she wasn't afraid of him. I think he eventually checked himself into a Little Sisters of the Poor home and died there.

I'm dreading May 4. That will be one month. I can't stand the thought. Saturday nights are hard, too. I hate them! I can't get that last evening, the last 15 minutes, out of my head. It pains me so. I'm sure the dogs think I'm crazy.

I have the whole day free tomorrow. I thought about going for a walk with the Kentuckiana Single Hikers and Walkers, but I'm not ready. I need more time alone. There's so much to do around here! I still have papers to sort, tax info to get together, my to do list to rewrite, flowers and seeds to plant, my friend Susanne in Germany to call, and spring cleaning to start (before summer gets here). I've been going to G&P's shop to help out like it's my job! I'd better watch it or I'm going to find myself employed there. I haven't been taking any time to deal with things here. I've been spending a lot of time at Mom's, too.

Oh, I heard from the lawyer. He's still writing up the... I don't know what he called it--the grievance??? He wanted to read it to me and said he'd mail it yesterday or today, which he hasn't, of course. He wants me to write up a summary of my involvement with Mary so that he can see our history and the responsibilities I accumulated. That will take some thinking, but it will be good for me.

I'm tired and I've got a headache from my Mint Julep. I may be crazy (my word for the day, apparently), but I think I can feel this tumor on my right ovary. It bothers me a lot in the mornings. I take Tylenol extra strength and that usually helps it go away. It might turn out to be bad and then it will be a blessing that I don't have to take care of Mary and deal with it, too. I worried about the possibility of my getting ovarian cancer like Gina had and then not being able to take care of her. I worried so much! I guess it never helped me much, so you'd think I'd quit doing it. I need to make myself a big poster: Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. (Wouldn't you know that Leo Buscaglia said that?)

Oh, on a positive note, my personal hygiene has improved since I don't have Mary to tend to. I've taken more showers in the past month than I had in the last few months before that. I remember so many problems I had... and they seem so... unreal. In the blink of an eye they disappeared. In the blink of an eye everything changed.