Pet Peeves

Here are some things that annoy me about Mary:

• when she wipes her hands dry after washing them at the bathroom sink, she dries each and every finger separately
• she doesn't seem to even bother to remember. (I feel bad about this annoying me.) She'll tell me she has to use the potty and then when she gets up, she asks me where she's going. Argh!
• when she leaves a little bite on her plate and swears she can't eat it. She hasn't done this lately.
• when she insists on trying to remove the string of bells I have wrapped from her bed around her wheelchair at night. They inevitably get tangled.
• when she uses a napkin (after wiping her mouth with it or sometimes before wiping her mouth with it) for her nose. She is constantly wiping her nose, which doesn't bother me, but it drives Angie absolutely crazy.

Medications, etc

I took Mary to the doctor hm, when was it? Last week? Time seems so inconsequential; it’s hard for me to remember. Anyway, she just needed to have her blood work checked. Dr R says the itching of her underarms is just dry skin and to put Elidel on it, which we’ve been doing, but it doesn’t seem to help. Maybe I’ll try the cortisol cream again. The doctor was very concerned about her toes and wants her to go to a podiatrist to see about getting shoes fitted specifically for her. The doctor’s office is really kind and arranges an appointment for us, but they wanted to send us to Dr Myka (sp?) again and I asked for a different doctor because he already saw Mary and didn’t take her toes seriously—and at that time they were much worse! Luckily the doc’s office understood. They also arranged for Mary to see an ear doctor to see about getting a hearing aid. I’m really curious to see if she needs one. I’m pretty sure she does. I hope she’ll be pleasantly surprised at being able to hear again. Oh, and Dr R wants us to keep the nebulizer with compressor in case Mary starts coughing again. Oddly enough, Mary seemed to have coughed all night long last night. I got up several times to give her some water but eventually fell asleep. I never know what to do. Should I have given her a Coricidin? I hate to give her more pills; she takes so many already. If you ask her if she’s ok, she says she is.

I also took her to the dentist. I was rather nervous because back in August they said she was maybe getting some cavities and I knew we hadn’t been brushing enough back in the fall and winter. They said (again) that they really wanted her to use Prevident, a really strong fluoride rinse that requires a prescription. I agreed this time. They didn’t really give me any choice. I haven’t agreed in the past because it costs $15 a bottle, but, get this, with Mary’s insurance it’s $5 (although I think that may be going up since it’s a brand name product, not generic). But I can’t believe it—the dentist wants her to use it four times a day! That wouldn’t be so bad except that she can’t have anything to eat or drink for half an hour after she swishes with it. It’s a major annoyance because Mary likes to string out her cup of coffee after meals. I just can’t remember to keep on her butt to finish her coffee and then go and get this Prevident out of the bathroom. I’ve thought about keeping some in a bottle in the kitchen, but there’s still the issue with the coffee. Then there’s the problem with making sure she has somewhere to spit it out. It’s all just such a bother! I have problems making sure she gets her teeth brushed, so how can I deal with this? That’s on top of her pills and breathing and toes, which I’m supposed to wash with soap (only Dove white) and water twice a day! I’ve decided to bump her showers up to three times a week. I’ll do her Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and I’ll take mine Tuesday, Thursday and either Saturday or Sunday. Also, Dr R says I should rub her all over with Vaseline after her shower just like I was going to pop her in the oven and bake her, like you do a baby. Hmph. I’ve never had a baby. Have you ever tried rubbing Vaseline all over somebody? Lotion is easier. I tried baby oil, but it didn’t stay on all day like the Vaseline. Luckily Mary doesn’t mind. I’d feel all goopy. The thing is that her skin is so dry and lotion has alcohol in it. I think as you get older your skin doesn’t produce as much oil.

Mary and I made some cookies this evening. She said she wasn’t interested in helping but I got her to do the sifting and then the squashing with a fork. They’re called Afghans and I got the recipe from a friend from New Zealand. They’re chocolate and have crushed corn flakes in them. They’re good—not too sweet. It’s just butter, flour, baking powder, sugar and cocoa.

Mary called Angie today. All by herself. I asked her this morning if she wanted to go visit Angie, but she said she didn’t care, so we didn’t go. I was sort of eavesdropping and I think Angie said she didn’t feel good. That’s a shame considering the weather was so beautiful. Neither she nor Anna have called her since, you know, the incident.

Can't Sleep

I just couldn’t sleep this night. Mary has gotten up three times already (I hope she doesn’t have another UTI—getting urine samples is a real pain.) and someone’s car alarm was going off for what seemed like ages.

Whenever Mary coughs several times, which is several times a night, I get up and go in and give her some water. I wonder at myself sometimes. Like when she has been in the hospital (or nursing home that one time) and I go in every day all day or even spend the night. Where does my devotion to Mary stem from? Do I love her so much? In some ways I think no, yet in other ways I think yes. It’s really more that I can’t be any other way. If Angie needs something, I give it to her if I can, too. Perhaps it stems from a desire to please. But the Lord knows I am not always so diligent and I’ve been occasionally downright nasty. That’s why Mary had a UTI and bronchitis back in January. I waited too long to take her to the doctor. I ignored her coughing. I took her craziness and having to pee during the night for granted, as evidence of her growing old. That’s why she’s told me that sometimes I scare her. (Although that was partly part of a running joke we have about the word “scare” because one of the kids in the family said it once about Dad and with such a country accent. When Mary jokes about this, I always think about how people think she’s dumb but a sense of humor is a sign of intelligence.)

Mom thinks I’m a saint and always tells me I’m just so generous. I’d like to believe that but find it hard to believe that others are different from me. I’ve always had a basic belief that I’m no different than anyone else. If I fart, others must be farting, too. If I doubt or love myself too much, others do the same.

If Mary tells me that I’m so good to her, I tell her that it’s because it’s easy for me, and that’s partly true. I mean, I would so love to sleep all the way through the night, but it’s not a drudgery most of the time for me to hop up and help her. I don’t mind heating her up a “bean bag,” wiping her bucket if I think it’s still dirty (I don’t want it to get sore or stinky.), or even giving her a shower. I often wish she would complain less—about how cold the shower seat is when she gets in (even if I’ve tried to heat it with water beforehand) or how cold the lotion is when I rub it on her (hey, I’m doing her a favor and the cold only lasts a moment). When I first moved in, she was always saying that she wished we had something good to eat. That really drove me bananas because I was trying my best to cook well for her and she never helped me much when we went grocery shopping. (Now I wonder if she actually meant something sweet but she never would explain what she meant. Maybe she just wanted to say something.)

Sometimes I joke with Mary that she’s lucky I don’t have a boyfriend because then I’d be showering all this affection on him instead. Sometimes I feel bad because I’m not giving this affection to Mom, but Dad makes that kind of hard. I do things with/to Mary that I’d be doing with/to Mom if she were here. I sing songs using her name instead of the real words. I hold her hand. I pat her on the bucket as she walks along—not too hard. Sometimes I massage it, telling her that I’m trying to get some blood circulating there. I’m sure she thinks I’m crazy and I guess I am. But, once again, I do these things with Mary because she inspires me to or I feel comfortable. I don’t think I’d ever walk around singing songs with Angie’s name in them, no matter how much I feel like I love her. Because I always did feel like I loved Angie more than Mary. I mean, we grew up down the street from Ange. I never saw Mary much. She was more like a fairy godmother who gave me money and who I knew was sort of disappointed in what I did with it. I remember when she had Gina and me stay with her and Harry once. We were so uncomfortable because we didn’t know what to do with ourselves. We were used to having to work, for one thing. I was 8 years old. She took us to the mall and gave us each $20, which seemed like a million. She sat down to wait for us because her feet hurt. I bought two records (Jan and Dean and The Sound of Music Soundtrack), several books (from the Little House on the Prairie series), and a little diary. Mary had hoped we would buy toys or dolls—something girlish. I distinctly remember her being disappointed. It’s funny but those things all had quite an impact on my life. Oh, she also got my ears pierced and signed my name as Bridget Beisler.

Is this why I’m so giving to her? Can’t be. It’s more that I’ll feel inside of me and there’s not that sense of drudgery that I feel with washing the dishes or making the beds, or if it’s there it dissipates and there’s just nothing there. No resistance. That’s why I say these things are easy for me to do. Isn’t that there in other people? I know it’s there in Susan, my friend from New Zealand. In fact, she’s brimming over with it when it comes to giving to people. Too bad there aren’t more Susans in the world. It always frustrated me that Susan gave so much and yet always had more money than I did! Well, there’s the newspaper. I guess I’ll have a cup of tea and read it. I’ll probably get tired by the time it’s time to get Mary up.

Forgetting Things

After Mary used the potty once today I noticed, as I was flushing (which I like to do because then I can, hopefully, recognize if she’s got a UTI and so that she doesn’t fall while trying to turn around) that there was no tissue in the bowl, so I reached down into her drawers as she was washing her hands and sure enough, there was the tissue! I’m sure people would think I was crazy, but I’ve experienced this before, so I knew it would be there. Maybe I should have just left it.

This cat meows a lot. I have no idea what she wants!

When I got up this morning, Mary was asleep and the cat was lying on her legs. That was so cute! Mary really spoils her with treats. I have to remind Mary, though, that she has treats and where they are (right next to her on the table). She wants to just throw the treat out onto the carpet and I want her to make the cat climb up on her lap for it.

Helping Out

I just finished doing Mary’s meds. I don’t know why but it’s not a task I relish. I get Mary to help me, and then I don’t mind as much, although it’s sort of twice the work since I have to keep track of what she’s doing, too. It’s not easy for her. I’ll open up the little compartments, say for bedtime pills, and give her a bottle (I open it first.) and tell her to put one in the compartments. If I’ve put anything in there first, it may throw her. I save the mornings for last because she gets six pills and sometimes it really confuses her. I can understand because some of them look quite a bit alike. I have two containers, so I do the pills every two weeks. I started this when I was in Lexington because I was usually gone for two weeks. I have also continued measuring out her potassium into little containers. It’s only a teaspoon, which I could measure out every morning, but this way I have it done already and I know better how much we have left. I also hate calling in the meds. I’m going to see about doing it over the internet. It’s so annoying to listen to all of the menu options.

I like to try to find tasks for Mary to do. She’s great about drying dishes—another thing I hate to do. (Are you getting the idea that I hate doing most things around here? Actually, there are some things I don’t mind like vacuuming or cleaning the toilets. But I guess I don’t really like most of the housework. I’ve made a daily schedule of tasks so I can spread it out and don’t feel like I’m doing too much, although then I actually feel like I’m always doing housework! It seems to take me so long. I get distracted very easily. I have to keep an extra list for every day to keep myself on task.) When I first moved in, Mary and I cooked and she did the dishes. I think she didn’t think I got them clean enough! I guess I eventually took over more of the cooking, and then she’d do the dishes while I did work for teaching (grading and lesson planning). In the fall I was having her sit on a stool next to the sink to dry the dishes, but with her falling a few months ago and her toes hurting, quit that. Then it occurred to me that I could bring the dishes over to her. She often argues with me about that, but I think it works out ok. It’s good because then I have to take the dried dishes away from her to give her more room and so I have to put them away right away—another thing I’m not crazy about. Sometimes I wonder why I’m so lazy. Am I depressed? Is that why I seem to be missing some essential life energy? At least losing weight has helped with that some, but there is a certain soul-energy that I am missing.

Something Mary really bugs me about helping with is dinner preparation. Sometimes it’s hard to think of something for her to do. She’s really great at peeling broccoli. She’s the best knife-sharpener around. She can chop some things up but others (like onions) require more control. She scares me to death when she peels apples. She can measure things out but I have to keep reminding her how much and then sometimes it still ends up need some adjustments. She’s good at sifting things. Sometimes it makes me so sad because she knew so much when I moved in. I remember her standing at her kitchen aid crying because she couldn’t make the recipe like she used to. She got confused and was grappling with losing her abilities. She also had a really hard time coming to terms with never driving again. I just kept telling her that we got old enough to drive and then we go so old we weren’t couldn’t drive anymore, that life she just kept evolving.

We had tabouli and hummus for dinner tonight. Mary amazes me with how open-minded she is—and how much she loves garlic.

Speaking of eating, we went to my brother Fritz’s for Easter. It was raining and I hated to take Mary out, but we managed and she made it ok. At least she’s got a garage attached to the house. We wanted to take some corsages that Jan sent to us and put them on Eddie’s grave, but by the time we’d picked up Freddy (I was running late because I was getting a migraine.), the cemetery was closed. Then I forgot about it today. Well, Bonnie’s coming tomorrow, so I’ll do it then. I don’t need to go to the grocery, just check on Dad since Mom’s in St Louis.

Well, we’ve got the TV on and it’s really distracting me.

Calling

I can’t write much because I’m getting a migraine. Humph. But I called Angie to see if she wanted to come with us. She was very nice and said no, she was going to her daughter’s house today. She said she hadn’t called Mary for a while because she hasn’t felt well. Hm.

Moving On

I’ve had so much of this stupidity going round in my head that I couldn’t bear to spend more energy on writing about it, but I can’t get on with this blog if I don’t get through this.

The lawyer came on Monday and I left the house and went for a walk while they (he and the financial advisor, who was to be the second witness) talked with Mary to make absolutely sure she agreed with what the new will said. I took my cell phone and they gave me a call when they were done. It took quite a while. (It was so nice to go out for a walk! Can’t wait till the weather gets nice and I can take Mary out in the wheelchair.) We discussed our options with the lawyer since Anna refuses to sign the quit lease. He talked about some complicated thing where I would demand a certain sum of payment in exchange for agreeing to take care of Mary for the rest of her life and then put a lien (sp?) on the house so that I would get that amount from the sale of the house after Mary’s death. That really didn’t interest me. The only other option would be to take Anna to court and see if the judge would decide to make her take her name off the lease. They said that Anna’s lawyer (if she decided to go through with the suit) would try to make me look awful, really drag me through the muck. The lawyer tried questioning Mary as if they were in court about why Anna’s name was on the deed. She can’t remember why she put it on there or why it was Anna of all people, so that wasn’t very good. If she’d said that Anna had said she was going to move in and take care of Mary (as she did), then he could have stressed that Anna didn’t move in, so she hadn’t held up her end of the bargain.

After the lawyer left, Mary, the financial guy and I discussed things at length. Mary just kept asking if there wasn’t something else she could do and couldn’t she sell the house, but she can’t without Anna’s permission. We just kept asking Mary if she was interested in suing Anna in order to get her name off the deed, but I knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. It would be so stressful for Mary and then she might end up losing. And the lawyer said it would probably cost about $10,000. What a crazy situation.

Mary called Anna once again—with George present as a witness (so now I don’t feel so insane, as if I must be making all of this up). Anna said, no, she would not take her name off, that I was pulling a fast one on Mary and she couldn’t let me do that. She said that she and Angie think it was awful of me to go behind their backs (as if the decision were theirs). I know what they mean but at the same time it leaves me shaking my head. She said that she and Angie took care of Mary for 2 –3 years before I came along, that they were here every night with Mary. (I really wonder where she got that. Mom says she doesn’t remember that. I mean, Mary fell and had a hip operation in April, 2000, and then I moved in in August. They stayed with until then and were annoyed as hell that she required so much attention. They gave her a bell to ring and joked about how they thought they’d scream, she rang it so much. They had no sympathy for her.) Mary told her that I had helped her out so much to which Anna replied that I had benefited from the situation. Mary vehemently said, no, no, she had gotten much more out of the situation than I had. (Just to hear her stand up to Anna and say that was priceless!) At any rate, Anna still refused, regardless of what Mary had to say.

I guess my ego has been smarting since. I do feel guilty. I feel guilty because they feel so strongly that they deserve Mary’s house and money, and if they knew about Mary’s new will, they would hate me so much. I don’t feel guilty because I have done anything wrong as far as Mary is concerned. I really feel like I have taken something away from Angie and Anna. But I also don’t feel that they had any ethical claim. Talk about confused. I also feel so incredibly insulted by these women whom I have loved and helped. So often I would arrange for them to be together and they would make a fuss about how no one else would think of them or bother to help them get together. Why don’t they show me the love and respect I showed them? How do they see me? I would really love to see me through their eyes. Nikki, my oldest sister, says they aren’t telling lies about me, that they are assuming things. But I can’t make the distinction. How could they assume that Mary was paying for my education? How could they assume I was trying to bamboozle Mary out of her house and money? How could they assume that I was spending all of Mary’s money however I pleased? Because I have bought gifts for them? Did that only mean to them that I was irresponsible with her money? Weren’t they listening when I explained about my degree not costing anything and that I had a Teaching Assistantship and all the complaining I did about the German House and my responsibilities there? How can they have so little trust, so little faith in me? So very little respect?

Nikki says I have to be bigger than they are. That’s the thing about how to respond in a Christian way. I’m still struggling with that. I don’t want to confront them. I detest confrontation. I get so emotional. I get so easily insulted. I take things so personally. I just want to hurt people the way they hurt me. I try to stay calm and then it builds up and builds up until I really explode and they are blown away because they didn’t see it coming. I’ve wanted to call Angie. My sister Gina was operated on—they removed two masses from her intestines. I knew Angie would want to know. I told Mom this and she called her. She said Angie was as sweet as she could be. Of course. They aren’t angry at her. I’m taking Mary out to my brother Fritz’s for dinner tomorrow. Angie lives very close to him. Normally I would call and ask her if she wants to come, too. But I just can’t. Nikki urged me to, but I just can’t. How else can I put this? She has hurt me so often that just imagining her hurting me again invokes an intense feeling of pain in me. I know that this is what Jesus was talking about with the “turn the other cheek” business. I always thought I could. It’s much easier to turn the other cheek when a stranger strikes you. I want to be magnanimous.

I think I need to stop obsessing about this. A will means nothing while a person is alive and I hope Mary stays that way for a long time to come yet.

I went ahead and made up the Easter basket tonight—bad mistake! We both pigged out! While I was in the kitchen this evening making dinner, I heard Mary in the living room trying to feed the kitty grapes. The cat’s started getting up on Mary’s bed. She said she wanted that, so I’ve tried putting the cat up there a few times. She acted like she was freaked out, but it must have worked. This morning I overslept and I woke up to Mary telling the kitty to get down at around 8:15. She said that cat was walking all over her—probably trying to wake her up! I think she has jumped up on my bed a few times and has definitely come in and meowed, but she must have gotten the message that it doesn’t work on me.

Last night I took Mary over to Mom’s and we played Dominoes. Mom made pizza. I think the distraction was good for her. I always say my path to heaven is paved with Dominoes because it’s not a game I care for at all but Mom and Mary love it. I played again with Mary this evening. She usually refuses to play with only two. Well, she’s right—it is very boring with two! It was interesting that tonight she could barely remember how to play at all. Last night she was ok, not really worse than she had been back at Xmas. I think another problem with playing with two is that the game goes too quickly for her. I made her a Gin Buck. I tell you, I drink one glass of wine and I feel it. Mary can drink one of those Gin Bucks and it doesn’t even faze her! She always says, “Well, honey, I’ve been drinking a lot longer than you have.”

I made some Hot Cross Buns yesterday. Mary just praises me up one side and down the other. She’s so good for my cooking/baking ego!

Oh, I forgot to mention—our next-door neighbor, Mary Ann, died. She went into the hospital about 2 ½ months ago. I think everything just fell apart all at once. She was only 73. I’m going to miss her so much. I just loved her to death. A really down-to-earth person who loved to laugh. Her husband died about a year or two ago. Mary made a comment about how that happens quite a lot. I asked what happened to her then that she’d had three husbands pass away and was still hanging on?! She just laughed and said she didn’t know. When she’d gotten in bed tonight she asked me, wasn’t there something about Mary Ann next door? I hate it when something bad happens. Mary really reacts like a little child. It’s like she holds on to the bad feeling but can’t remember what the bad thing was.

On that note, I have to hit the hay! It’s odd, but I think I survived better on much less sleep when I was studying. I’ve never gotten as much sleep as I am at this point in my life. Mom says it’s because I have to get up so much during the night. I don’t know. Very, very odd.

Oh, Mary and I have closed her bank account and opened another one because Angie’s name was on the old account. I also feel a bit sneaky about that, but I feel also that it’s a necessary precaution to protect myself. If they wanted to contest Mary’s will, Angie could have closed that account by herself. Sometimes I think I’m really crazy. Angie just turned 88 this month. Mary was 89 when I moved in with her. Mary said she wished that Angie, Anna or Serena would move into Mary Ann’s house next door. Actually, that would be great for Angie. Then she could go home at night! But it would never happen. Yes, another aunt whom I want to get my talons into.

Fodder for a Migraine

Anna called this morning and said she wasn’t going to sign the Quit deed. I handed the phone to Mary who just listened and said, uh-huh. Anna said that everyone said she’d have to be crazy to sign it and that the house should be sold and be equally divided among Mary’s siblings and me, that that’s what would be fair. Since Mary didn’t say anything, the conversation ended and they hung up. Mary had at first asked, “What paper?” to which Anna immediately replied, “See! You don’t even know what we’re talking about!” Oh, that burns me up so much! They belittle her so! Do they think she’s so stupid? Last night I heard her talking and got up to stand at my door and listen. She was saying something like, “Sisters, I know what you’re saying! You think I’m a bad person, but I’ve never done anything bad in my life. I’ve been a good person.” I eventually went in to her. I figured that if she was sleeping and having a bad dream, I should wake her up, and if she wasn’t sleeping, I could calm her down. She was awake and said that she knew her sisters were talking about her, but that she was a good person and had never done anything bad. I told her she must have had a bad dream and held her hand until she seemed calm, and then I went back to bed.

After she hung up, Mary started saying to me that they didn’t have any right to tell her what to do with her business and that she wanted me to have the house since I didn’t have one. What did Anna want with this house; she had one. I told her that she had to tell these things to Anna, not me. So she said she wanted to call her back, which I helped her do. I left the room but was listening. As it was ringing, Mary asked me what she was supposed to say. I told her that she had to know that herself. I can’t remember exactly how the conversation went, but Anna said that I was trying to take Mary’s house from her and that she was sorry that I didn’t have a house, but that was my own fault. I should have stayed here and gotten a job instead of going back to school. Then she started telling Mary that Mary had paid for my schooling. I had to jump in; I couldn’t let her tell such barefaced lies about me! I was quite upset, as you can imagine. I came into the room saying what bullshit that was! That I’d had scholarships to pay for my education. I can’t remember exactly how the conversation went but she said I wasted the money hiring those women to take care of her. I said I’d come back every other weekend (actually, often every weekend—and the first summer when I could have worked and gotten more experience teaching!) and paid for my own gas back and forth and often brought my food here so that it wouldn’t go bad, so Mary didn’t even have to buy food. They don’t take into consideration that I had to make sure there was enough food here and prepare Mary’s medications, making sure she had enough every time. I was studying and had two jobs at the same time, and taking extra classes—and still maintained a 4.0! I’m really starting to think that they are pissed off as hell that I came along. I ruined their plan. Mary was supposed to be put in a nursing home and die, so they could get their money. It’s as if they are vultures and have been waiting their whole lives for Mary’s money. It makes me so sick! And for Anna to lie about me! This is a woman whom I thought loved me, or at least liked me! That people think they deserve Mary’s money! As if they have done anything more than a sibling should. Or that being a sibling gives them this right to inherit. I feel so sorry for them. What low beings they are. And I feel sorry for Mom and for Mary to see how their relatives really are.

And I’m left grappling with how I can forgive them. I want to want to forgive them, but that’s really hard. I want to think about something else, but this keeps popping back into my head. It’s like a wound that keeps smarting. And by thinking about it, I’m pouring salt on it, which I don’t want to do! I want to be better than they are. I pray and pray that God will tell me how to handle this situation, that he will help me, give me peace, and help me learn what I am supposed to from this situation.

How can they not understand this situation? I think they wanted me to move in, they would give me all the responsibility for Mary and I’d balk and put her in a home. They never expected me to take my unfairly obtained responsibilities so seriously. They never expected me to take such good care of Mary. Angie always tells me that I do too much for Mary, that I spoil her too much. My friend Susanne says they are just blind with jealousy. I think she might be right. Angie often says she wishes she had a Bridget to take care of her. They’ve been waiting all these years and now I’ve screwed up their plan. They tell me about how Mary wouldn’t even used to drink a cup of coffee at Anna’s. I don’t know why, but they assumed she thought she was better or that Anna’s house was dirty. Oh, how they must have hated Mary for a long time for having more money than they did. They have often said things to me that show that they think she’s stupid. They also resent her for leaving the Catholic Church. And they tell me bad stories about her first husband, so they look down on her for marrying him. (He converted to Catholicism for Mary but was divorced and about 10 years older than her. They think he was the one who got Mary to leave the church.)

I have to quit thinking about this. It’s giving me a migraine. Of course, Mary will forget it all and talk to them as if nothing has happened. What should I do? Remind her of it? Let it go? O je.

Naive

Boy were Mary and I naive! I just talked to Anna about changing the deed to the house. She told me she was disappointed and hurt but didn't want to "buck" Mary because then Mary wouldn't ever talk to her again--she knew how Mary was--but that she wouldn't sign anything. Mary could whatever she wanted to do. (!) I told her it was her choice as to whether she signed the new deed or not and that I understood that her feelings but that she needed to sign the new deed, releasing the old deed. She asked me if Mary was going to leave me the house and when I said, yes, that was what she had decided, she accused me of always telling Mary that I wouldn't have anywhere to go after she died. I told her that I never brought the subject up with Mary. She was always the one to ask me what I was going to do after she died and I told her the truth, that I never put any pressure on her to leave me her house. What else was I going to say? Anna agreed about that. (But let me tell you that I am shaking to know that she would accuse me of pressuring Mary to leave me the house, in essence of stealing the house away from her, as if it were her rightful property! She said that they had helped Mary for 2-4 years. Oh, this is all making me ill. People act like they are so nice but they are only thinking of what they are going to get out of it. Am I any different? I do so truly hope so. In fact, I think I've been stupid for not thinking enough about what I could get out of this situation! Mary invited me to live with her and the next thing I knew, I was completely in charge of her financial and medical business! Anna (and I'm sure Angie as well, muchless Tom, too) would willingly leave me penniless and homeless, regardless of what I have done for Mary. I don't mean to be arrogant or self-praising, but I think I have helped Mary become a better person. I have given so many gifts and cards and made so many phone calls, keeping connections alive, in her name. Mary would have been dead physically if I hadn't been here. But she was also emotionally dead before I came. I hope I have helped her to become a more giving and thoughtful person, who also enjoyed life more.) In the end Anna said that she had to think about things and talk to her kids, although they would probably tell her to do what she wanted to do and she wouldn't buck Mary; it was all material things anyway. I then proceeded to tell Anna that I still wanted to know about tomorrow, whether she wanted to come visit Mary for a bit. I had told her that Mary has an eye doctor appointment at 11:15 and if she wanted I could pick her up afterwards and then take her home at 3:00 when Bonnie came. Or if she wanted, I could pick her up before the appointment and we could all go to B & E (the salvage store, where I know Anna loves to go) afterwards. She said she still had to wait to hear from her daughter-in-law about whether she was going to take her to the grocery store. Argh! And talking about the eye doctor, I am the one who took her to a new eye doctor because she always said she was so disappointed with her old one. Then she owed them $100 because she hadn't been to doctor yet and that was her, oh, what do they call it? Not deposit, but you know what I mean. Co-pay or whatever. I mentioned this to Anna and she swore that she had been to the doctor but Angie said she hadn't. I mean, it was absolutely stupid of her to forget and then go to a doctor at the end of the year. She should have said thanks for making me an appointment, but I want to wait till the beginning of the year. So I felt bad for her and had Mary pay the $100. And this is the thanks I get for being so nice. I had Mary give her a Reader's Digest Large Print Edition subscription for Xmas because I knew she really wanted it. I am really so stupid and naive! Anna always said that she wished Mary hadn't put her name on the deed and that she didn't care about Mary's money. As Mom says, she was talking out of the side of her mouth. I always suspected Anna didn't say what she really thought and now I know it's true.

You know, when I called Anna the other day, she sounded very energy-less. She said she had been awoken late by a phone call with no one on the other end and coudln't get back to sleep. I bet she'd gotten that letter and was upset. She said she'd decided to wait for us to talk to her about it; she wasn't going to broach the subject.

Well, Mary and I were so upset, we had a tiny Cognac to steady our nerves!

I talked to the financial advisor and he agreed to also witness the will. This will take place on Monday. I told Anna I could go get her and she and Mary could sign the new deed together and have it notarized then. So I hope she has decided by then. George was so nice and told me not to worry about anything.

I haven't heard anything from the high school. I'm trusting in God to take care of me and make everything turn out alright in the end. Am I still being naive? Have I got a fairy tale complex?

Premonition, Sort Of

The lady I’ve hired to take care of Mary couldn’t come today. She said she has the flu. I hope she’s telling the truth—she sat with Mary Saturday night and I pre-paid her for the week. Oh, I’m sure she is telling the truth. I’m always so suspicious. I guess I get that from Mom. Also, I figure that if I’m always being surprised by myself, then surely I shouldn’t be surprised by being surprised by other people. Know what I mean?

So I had to ask Mom to come over while I ran to the pharmacy. I could have gone yesterday while Delores (Mary’s friend from church) was here, but I figured Bonnie would be coming today…and then I didn’t want to bother Delores because she was just here yesterday, even though she constantly urges me to call upon her if need be. Mary started that “go ahead and go, I promise I won’t get up” business. It’s so tempting to do it. The pharmacy is just down the street and around the corner. Mom even wanted me to consider it! But I refused because, as I said, you just never know. God forbid, but I could be in an accident or something and not be able to come right back.

When Mom came in, Mary and I were just looking over the legal documents the lawyer had sent. I was glad about that because Mom could see for herself that Mary really says she wants me to have the house and everything. Mom is convinced that Anna’s kids are going to try to convince her not to give up her right to the deed to the house, but I think that’s silly. It would look terrible if she fought it. She would come across as absolutely greedy. And I really don’t think that Anna wants the house. But I feel bad that Anna will have to have the document notarized. She shouldn’t be put to any trouble to undo something that Mary did. (I talked to Gina about this last night, by the way, and she told me as far as the guilt was concerned to get over it. That made me feel a lot better. She also asked me if she could name me as guardians for her kids if something happens to her and Jim. I said, yes, of course, providing that a weekly therapy session would be included because I would surely lose my mind! I can’t believe she asked me. I think she’s out of her mind. I don’t know anything about raising kids!)

So I went to the pharmacy and when I came out, lo and behold, I had a flat tire. I’d driven Mary’s Cadillac, which hadn’t been out of the garage in ages. Talk about crazy! Thank God I’d renewed my AAA! The guy finally got there and said that the tire was dry-rotted and changed it for me. He was really nice and talkative—quite young and from this area. I’d only worn a light jacket and nearly froze to death. I’ve felt ill now all evening—hope I don’t have Bonnie’s flu bug! The cat suddenly started throwing up late this evening, so I hope she’s not sick. O je. Oh, and the doctor left a note with the pharmacist that I need to bring Mary in for blood work. Blech! I don’t know why but I hate taking her in to the doctor. All the waiting. Although this office is wonderful about not making her wait too long. I bet they get tired of seeing us! Mary already has an eye doctor appointment this Thursday and a dental appointment next Tuesday.

I got some pad-like bandage thingies to put between her toes. I needed something called Telfa, but this drugstore doesn’t carry it, so I got something that looked similar. However, it’s too slippery (not supposed to stick to the wound) and won’t stay between her toes at all. Talk about more than mega annoying! What am I going to do? Hm. Well, at the latest I’ll be able to drive to the other drugstore on Thursday, I guess.

On my daily rounds of Internet job searching this morning I discovered that one of the high schools around here is looking for a German Teacher. For next year, I assume but…? So I gave my “inneren Schweinehund” a big kick in the rear and sent them an email. I dread the idea of teaching high school again and yet I feel like that’s what I’m supposed to do. Just like I feel like I’m supposed to be here with Mary. There’s a certain part of you that feels oddly peaceful. Like when you’re meditating or doing Yoga.

Treats for the Sweet

I was late getting up this morning (7:30 instead of 6:30), so I didn’t give Mary her thyroid pill early enough. She has to wait an hour after taking it to eat or drink anything, so I just wake her up and then she goes back to sleep. I just went in to wake her and she said she wants to lay a little longer, to come back later. I asked what exactly “later” meant—15 minutes? Half an hour? Half an hour. Ugh, that means she won’t get up till 9:00, which is a bit late, although that’s when she used to get up, I believe, when I first moved in. I always thought that was my favorite time to get up, but lately I realized that it’s just too late. You’ve already missed a lot of the morning and the afternoon is fast approaching if you get up at 9:00. I told her alright, but that didn’t mean she could stay up tonight until 11:00 or 12:00. However I know from experience that we do tend to go to bed late on Fridays. I think maybe there are later movie on. Although as far as that goes, Mary can get up and go to bed with 15 minutes left to a movie! She used to frustrate me (before I took over the remote! Just joking, but sort of not—before I participated more in choosing what we watch, I’ll say) because she would watch 20 minutes of a sitcom and then change the channel. She wasn’t really watching.

She didn’t want to get up but she lying in there singing. I wish I had a tape recorder! She sounds just like Grandma used to!

Did I tell you the daughter of her last husband is in town (from California) and is visiting us today? I thought she’d never come to town because her health was too bad for traveling and she didn’t have enough money. I think she must be around 65 and used to be a massage therapist and general hippie/rights activist. I’ve always really enjoyed talking to her on the phone and can’t wait to meet her.

Oh, sure enough, when I handed Mary a bag of jellybeans the other day (her favorite candy next to candy corn—both of which she gobbles down like a little piggy, or should I say “old piggy”), I knew she would try to feed them to the cat! After our puppy was put to sleep several years ago, I found several jellybeans around, which led me to suspect that Mary had been feeding them to her. I got some kitty treats, put them in a jar for easy access and even labeled them (when I noticed that Mary didn’t know what they were and was afraid she’d try to eat them—who knows!), but she still doesn’t remember that they’re there. Very frustrating! The cat seems to be liking them more and more. She’s really just an odd cat. I’m trying to get Mary to lure the cat up into her lap, but Mary doesn’t quite get it, or doesn’t have the patience or something. I want the cat to know that she gets treats from Mary, not from me, so she’ll go to Mary. Yesterday I put the cat on Mary’s lap twice and petted/brushed her like crazy while Mary fed her treats. She actually stayed for a bit and seemed less uncomfortable than the other times. After Mary went to bed, the cat jumped up in her chair! She’s there now, too. I was sitting in that chair reading the newspaper this morning and the cat jumped up and lay in my lap. I do so hope she starts lying in Mary’s lap! (If nothing else, writing about this may eventually teach me the difference between “lay” and “lie!”)

Confusion

The financial advisor talked to Mary today while I was out of the room to see what she said about her will without me present. At first she said I should get everything, then she went through several combinations till she ended up with me getting everything again. I think she’s afraid the family will find out and then not treat her the same. At least she seemed adamant about my getting the house. Although I sort of feel the same way about the house as I do about her car and the cat—they aren’t mine, I didn’t choose them. Does that sound awful? Well, I must admit that I feel a bit…deflated. And disappointed. I was just thinking that she doesn’t owe me anything. But doesn’t she? Sure, she didn’t ask me to come take care of her, but I can’t be true to my principles and not take care of her. And yet she is really asking a lot of me. I’ve given her five years already. Not completely but at least partly, and free room and board just doesn’t equal that. I don’t know, does it even equal a house? As long as I’m taking care of her, my life is in limbo to a certain extent. Well, I’m really tired of talking and thinking about this. I don’t want to think so much about when Mary dies. But I do need to get her to take care of her funeral arrangements. I know that’s hard, but all of us are mortal and we can’t avoid it forever. I guess 94 years is long enough to have avoided it.

I tried to apply for the Immigration Information Officer position, but, wouldn’t you know it, the deadline is tomorrow and their website to apply is down. I sent them an email expressing my interest and telling them that my resume was on the website if they wanted to see it. I’ve never heard anything from the Public Library. I haven’t further pursued the MAT thing yet. It was odd when I considered that I might be inheriting a place to live and some money. I suddenly thought, here I have the chance to do what I want to do. Not what I thought would get me a job for sure and earn me money. Teaching was what I thought about. When I look up jobs on the Internet, my eyes always go immediately to teaching and education. But the theory is so different from the practice. I wish I knew that I loved kids and loved schools. Actually, the smell of schools kind of makes me feel ill.

Mary has an itching on her right armpit. I put some medicine for a yeast infection (right term? She gets them under her boobs where her waist creases and I guess sweat pools.), but that didn’t seem to help. She just keeps saying that she thinks she needs to wash her underarms. Well, now I’ve tried some Cortisone. Hope that helps.

More of the Same

Mary and I both went to bed at around 9:30. We were exhausted from not doing anything J Then neither of us could go to sleep. I finally managed to drift off but woke up again, whereas Mary seems to be sleeping soundly. Our night owl of a cat is up as usual. I’m “studying” on things again. I talked to one of my sister-in-laws today about this situation and she really thought I should talk to Mom about it. Actually, she thought everything should just be above-board and have the aunts there at the signing so they can’t contest the will. But I don’t think she knows them or Mary well enough. I just don’t see that happening. I see some ugly situation where Angie gets angry and hurt and tries to convince Mary not to change the will and if she doesn’t succeed taking it out on Mary by not wanting to have anything to do with her, Anna says she just doesn’t want to have anything to do with it, and Tom also getting angry. I decided to call Mom and talk to her. She was shocked, to say the least, but of course happy and felt that it was only fair, considering I’ve been in charge of Mary’s affairs for five years now. She doesn’t think I should say anything.

Angie called Mary this morning wanting her to turn the TV on to watch Mass on the air—the choir (which wasn’t very good, ahem) was singing in Latin. This is just so typical. Mary was sitting out on the back porch enjoying the sun, which I told Angie—to let her know that Mary may not want to come inside to watch TV, to which she just got huffy and said goodbye very abruptly. We turned on the TV out there, but since there’s no cable there, we couldn’t get that channel. There were several services on, so I called Angie to see if it was any of those. She said no and that she just thought the Latin might bring back some good childhood memories for Mary. This is an example of how Anna and Angie have never accepted Mary’s leaving the Catholic Church. I asked Mary if she wanted to go in to watch it, considering she wasn’t Catholic anymore—she really likes gospel music because it speaks to her passion for Christ, so I really didn’t think the Latin would move her. She said she really wasn’t any religion anymore, which quite surprised me. This made me think of the other day when I asked if she didn’t want to leave some money to her church and she replied that they didn’t have anything to do with her since she didn’t go anymore. (Maybe Mary and I are alike in this way of being able to “forget” our past and live in the present.) Well, she decided to go on inside since she’d already been on the porch for two hours. We turned the Mass on, but Mary didn’t get much out of it. I think I heard her reciting the Our Father and singing Amazing Grace with them. One night a few weeks ago Angie called to tell Mary to turn on to some gospel music. I recognized a lot of songs from Mary’s church—she has several tapes and CDs that I play for her. Later, Angie said that the music had been so good. That was funny, considering she always pooh-poohs Mary’s church music. I’ve always tried to play Mary’s music for her because I know she can’t put it on herself but really enjoys it. It took me quite a while, but I actually sort of enjoy it now—depending on how good the singing is—and sing along, too. A lot of it is really upbeat and rather danceable!

Now for a completely different topic! Hygiene again. Since I went to the dentist, I’ve got a solid game plan and have been able to keep Mary and myself on it. We brush in the morning and in the evening (something I always did when I was younger but over the last few years have gotten away from, but especially so since living with Mary—she’ll take a cup of coffee into the living room, fall asleep, then it’s time for lunch… and it’s like I’ve missed a window of opportunity), use Listerine in the morning and use ACT at night. I have to make sure to give her pills to her before she uses the ACT, though. Oh, and I moved my floss in to the kitchen, up on the counter above where we eat and I floss after dinner—I’m usually done before Mary, so I do it then. She seems to floss while I’m doing the dishes—and while she watches TV or sits on the porch.

As for baths, I’ve got her on a two-showers-a-week schedule. It certainly doesn’t help that I practically have to drag her kicking and screaming into the shower. I can understand—since I don’t like to get wet myself. The third grab bar that the plumber put in recently is a great, great help. For the other days, I sometimes give her a wet baby wipe for her privates, to keep everything clean. Someone from the hospital once told me that she need to clean her privates every day. I tried to do this when I first moved in and it just about killed me. Do you know how much time and energy it takes to give someone a sponge bath??? Plus, I always feel that she doesn’t get all the soap off, even though I rinse out the wash cloth two or three times. So we’re leaving it at this.

After dinner this evening, I got Mary to hand me the butter knife she hadn’t used so I could put it back in the drawer. I laughed and said I remembered a time when she would have insisted that it go in the dishwasher because we’d touched it. She couldn’t believe she’d been so picky. I said living with me must have changed her and she said no, getting old had changed her.

This thing with the will has really made me wonder. How much are we “allowed” to change? Are there some things in our lives that shouldn’t be allowed to change? Is there a certain point where a person shouldn’t be allowed to change his or her will? Does it matter what people do for us at any certain point more than at another point? One of my sisters gave me an article several months ago about caregivers coming in and getting the old person to make a new will and that if it’s witnessed by two people that there’s nothing you can do, so you need to be really careful about the relationship that develops between a caregiver and the person being cared for. This article was about me, wasn’t it? I’m the caregiver who has come in and “stolen” everything. That’s how the family will look at it. I wasn’t supposed to win over Mary’s affections that much. What were they thinking? That I would completely give up my life and take on all of these responsibilities with no pay other than free room and board. They call me a saint—but that’s also what they expect of me. I guess they’d understand if I decided to leave Mary and to put her in a home. But that they’d let me do that when they would have the means to pay me to stay. Oh, I don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s late. I should go to bed.

Conflicting Thoughts and Emotions

I couldn’t sleep last night for being plagued with guilt. I was feeling like a sneak, like a snake in the grass. Thinking about what everyone’s going to say and feel—like they were cut out of Mary’s will. They’d think I made Mary do this. Then it occurred to me that I wasn’t making Mary do anything and I’ve never tried to influence her to do anything. I don’t give her sob stories about not having anything when she dies, not having anywhere to live, about how much I do for her, etc. I never, never say these things. She is the one who starts studying on them, as she says, and who asks me where I’m going to live when she dies. She’s the one who worries about me after she’s gone. I’ve never told her that I want her house or her money or anything. I asked her for that garnet ring several years ago (because it only fit her pinky and it fit my ring finger and she had a ring for every other finger), I’ve told her that I’d like to have her Betty Crocker Cookbook and her cooking utensils/pots and pans/etc and I asked her for the little stool that Sonny Savage made (because I remember it from Grandma’s house). I’ve made comments (to Mom) about why in the world do I put the time and energy into things around the house (like painting the garage door myself to save Mary the money, having repairs taken care of, planting rose bushes and bulbs) when it’s going to Anna and you’d think her kids would be more interested in maintaining this place. But I understand how impossible that is and that everyone expects me, since I live here, to do it. But I have felt like I’m just putting into someone else’s investment. I’ve also tried not to get attached to this place or think of it as home since any day I could have to leave. I’ve imagined the scenario of Mary dying and Anna saying I could live here as long as I wanted if I paid all the bills—which I wouldn’t be able to do since I have no money.

There was an odd moment with the lawyer when I asked him about Mary paying me. He said she’s free to give gifts to anyone she pleases. He said that it was true that she could change her will and so I could ask her to make a sort of contract where she would agree to pay me a certain sum upon her death, but that wasn’t in her best interest, that he was there as her lawyer, not as mine. When I said, no, I meant on a monthly basis, he kind of said, well, what did I want, I had room and board free. Let me tell you, I was rather insulted. I told him that I didn’t even have health insurance because I had NO money. It amazes me how people just don’t understand this situation. The lawyer also didn’t understand why I have a PO Box. It seems so clear to me! The financial advisor does, but he’s made some comments that lead me to think that one of his children requires constant care and so he knows from personal experience what it takes to take care of someone full-time and how much that care would cost—and what it’s costing me (no money, no social life). When I went to the dentist the other day, the assistant asked me what I did and so I told her I was sort of unemployed but that I took care of Mary full-time and then later on when it came time to discuss when I’d be back and what I had to have done, she said she understood that money was an issue.

Oh, I’m so tired of thinking about all of this. I’ve asked Mary several times if she’s sure about changing her will and told her that I feel guilty and am worried about people being angry with me. She just repeats that her family knows how much I do for her and that they don’t need the money and that they’ll understand and be ok with everything. I personally don’t think they will. I told her that people may not care about the dollar amount but the gesture of being thought of, but she just doesn’t think they’ll care. I wish people were that way. Sometimes she says that they don’t do anything for her, so I tell her that they do what they’re able to do. I asked about people who try to stay in touch with her like Bettie and Barri. She asked me then how she had things and I said that I would get everything and she replied that that was how she wanted it. When I asked about her church, she said that since she wasn’t going, they didn’t bother about her. I reminded her that she’d really been close with them, though, when she was younger, but that didn’t faze her. Speaking of this, I had asked one of the ladies from church who does come by quite often if she would be one of the witnesses of Mary’s will. She thought about it and told me no, that she wouldn’t be comfortable. She knows that Mary is changing her will and that people will feel like they’ve been cut out and she doesn’t want to get involved in that. I’m sorry about that, but I do understand. But then it shakes my confidence. Maybe Mary isn’t of sound enough mind to redo her will. But, then, she knows what she wants and she has wanted this for a while now. I just really wonder. Maybe I should tell Angie and let her talk to Mary. I’m afraid she wouldn’t be able to convince Mary to change her mind, though, and then people would feel resentful. Like something was being taken away from them and then they might not support Mary at all, which would, of course, not be right but would be a very human reaction. I’m quite certain that Angie has acted these past few years out of a sense of obligation for what Mary was leaving her. Once when she asked Mom to come sit with Mary and Mom said, no, she had to take care of Dad at the time, Angie asked her if she wasn’t aware of how much Mary was going to leave her, to which Mom replied that she didn’t give a hoot about that. I think that’s the way Anna feels, too. Ok, enough.

News

I’ve got to get started with dinner but I’ve got to write this or I feel like I’m going to bust. A lawyer was just here (arranged by the new financial advisor because he thought Mary should set up a trust fund). The lawyer talked to Mary about her will and why she had it the way she did and about the house being in her and Anna’s names. It was odd, but he seemed to come in prepared to tell her to…well, not change her will, but, well, he started talking right away about who you leave your estate to and that if it’s left to family then they don’t have to pay any taxes. Then he talked about how if you leave your money to older people, they probably aren’t going to do anything with it except pass it on to their children because they are usually set financially and don’t need it, so maybe it was worth considering leaving it to someone younger who will actually do something with the money. It was really interesting to watch because he set it up perfectly for Mary to change her will and leave everything to me. He’s going to change the deed to the house, too, and take Anna’s name off of it (which Anna will have to agree to), so that the house will go to me, too.

I’m not going to tell anyone about the will being changed (although Anna may figure that out)—other than here in my blog (because there’s probably only one person reading this and I trust this person, ahem, not to tell anyone). The lawyer advised us not to tell anyone because it will just get things stirred up. Anyway, Anna and Angie never told me when they took Mary to redo her will three years ago.

I feel on one hand completely relieved. Mary tells me all the time that she wants me to have her house and that I ought to get everything because her sisters and brothers don’t need anything. And I just tell her that she’s already made her will and the deed to the house, etc, etc. and that if she wants to change it, she has to do that herself, which isn’t really possible. Talk about serendipity—a lawyer come to the house for a different purpose and by the time he leaves, things have completely changed. When I told him that I was concerned that people might be upset at not being left anything, he said that that was just tough because they had no reason to be upset. Mary wasn’t taking anything away from them. She was doing what she wanted to do with her money. It wasn’t their money. They probably weren’t leaving anything to her! (which I bet is true) Mary has often said that it’s her money and her house and she should be able to leave it to whom she wanted. But I do feel…hm, is it guilt? I once told Angie a story about a friend of mine whose uncle kept trying to get her grandfather to change his will and the family was so upset with the way the grandfather’s will was that they don’t talk to each other anymore. Oh, also, Mary made me executrix (sp?) of the will, which makes sense. It had originally been Mike Hans, but she has next to nothing to do with him and he would get 5% of the estate—whereas I was only getting a garnet ring, which she’d already given me. But, I told Angie this story and said that I thought you shouldn’t try to get someone to change his or her will. And now I feel like I’ve gotten Mary to change hers? Well, not directly, but just by my moving in with her and taking care of her, I’ve influenced her. Does that make sense? And I know from growing up how people have been wondering for years how much money Mary has and whom she’s leaving it to. And now…well, I feel like I’m in some strange novel where fate takes this bizarre twist and, ta da! I’m the one who knows how much she’s got and I’m the one who gets it. And I feel bad about all the people, whether it’s her brother and sisters (including my mom) or anyone (other nieces and nephews, her church) who thinks they may be (or definitely are) in line to get something. I do feel like I’m snatching something out from under their noses. And I know they will be upset—or disappointed at the least.

(Oddly enough, a part of me also worries about how/if this will change things. I've often wondered whether my attitude would change if Mary did pay me. I mean, when I knew I was doing everything out of the goodness of my heart, there was a certain philanthropic pleasure to it, whereas doing something because you're being paid to do it...is a bit of a drudge. Of course, it's all in the head, but our heads do have a way of doing things without our telling them to. I feel a certain obligation now that I never felt. I hope things don't change. I've always loved taking care of Mary and I'd hate for that to change.)

On the other hand, I know how much I do and have done for Mary, so I don’t feel that bad. I can stand back and objectively look at this situation and see how it makes sense.

Of course, she could still change her will again. Say Angie finds out and puts pressure on her to change it back to what the 2002 will was. So I want to make sure that I do get paid. We’re talking about $1000/month. That’s what the financial advisor said would be doable and what he felt was fair, considering that full-time care would cost between $4000 and $6000/month. I haven’t decided whether I want to still keep looking for a job or whether I want to get my MAT in German. That would be perhaps wise for my future. Then I wouldn’t take the $1000. Of course, if I got a job, it would still have to pay more than $8/hr, which is how much we would pay someone to take care of Mary while I was at work. I’m thinking about this because I’ve just seen a job as an immigration officer here in Louisville. This would pay at least $14/hr and would be perhaps interesting for me. Well, I think I’ll apply and then decide if they do offer it to me, which, with my track record thus far, is not very likely.

I’d also like to think seriously now about getting rid of both Mary’s car and mine and getting one that makes more sense for us. The financial adviser suggested a small SUV because it would be easier to get the wheelchair into. It’s definitely something to think about, but it makes me nervous. I know nothing about buying a car!

Well, I’ve got to go fix dinner. I feel better for getting all this off of my chest.

Freizeitstress and Admissions

Two things: first, this having free time is really stressful! I left the house at 3:00 and managed to bring the recycling to the drop off point, visit Mom, pick up the mail, visit my bank, and finish the grocery shopping. What happened to my free time?! I've already got a thousand things planned for next week!

Second, Angie called this evening and I felt so bad about everything I wrote! She mentioned that she really thought we should have gotten a kitty and I explained to her why I thought this cat was better. She said I was right, but I think she still wishes we'd gotten a kitten. I would have loved a kitten, too, but... We also talked about the financial advisor and I felt better for letting her know what was going on and why. And then I told her about Bonnie coming every week and found myself telling her that I could go pick her up on a Tuesday and take her back home on a Thursday. O je! Am I crazy??? I'm glad she called, too, because she reminded us that today was Anna's birthday! She turned 93!

Getting Things Off of My Chest

I was absolutely right! Angie called Mom this morning and in the course of their conversation told her that it makes her mad that I tell Mary what to watch on TV and won’t let her watch O’Reilly and the Fox News Channel! And apparently they also discussed how they both thought Mary should have gotten a kitten! Argh! I explained to Mom (I’m sure not for the first time) why this cat was better than getting a kitten and she agreed with me and admitted that she hadn’t thought about things like Mary getting scratched by a kitten.

Unfortunately, Mom also told Angie about my talking to a financial advisor and redoing all of Mary’s investments. She told Mom that she was happy that I was taking care of Mary’s finances and really appreciated it. Oh, I should just quit talking about this because it all annoys me. Angie always said she was going to take care of Mary’s business. Then I moved in with Mary, and somehow Angie assumed that I was going to take over everything, and yet somehow she was also going to keep her finger in the mix. There were times when things didn’t get done and it was all because of this misunderstanding. And you can imagine there was a bit of resentment on my part for their assuming I was going to take over and yet not really letting me take over. They hired a lady to stay with Mary while I was at work the first year I moved in. This lady was extremely untrustworthy and bad-mouthed me quite a bit, but the aunts didn’t stand up for me. She was brainwashing Mary and making her ill (perhaps giving her something) and eventually stole quite a bit of money. I never liked this lady but they wouldn’t listen to me—knowing all the while that she was saying nasty, untrue things about me. They finally agreed to get rid of her when I put my foot down and said they had to decide between this lady and me.

I just wish that Angie would quit trying to control Mary. I don’t know whether she feels that it’s her responsibility or just that she has nothing else to do. And I wish that she would show me more respect, quit belittling me and accept that this isn’t just Mary’s home anymore but mine also.

So…yes, I’ve talked to a new financial advisor and he’s going to help me set up a trust fund and reinvest Mary’s money in a way more fitting for her circumstances. I had had suspicions that her investment company didn’t have her best interest at heart, and he explained to me exactly what they had done that wasn’t good. I wish I had talked to someone sooner. I guess it was irresponsible of me not to do so, but considering the situation which I explained above and that fact that Mary just adored this investment company (thought they were making so much money for her—ha!) and that I just felt intimidated by this company and my own ignorance. On one hand I still feel apprehensive. I mean, signing all of Mary’s money over to someone I don’t know… On the other hand, I like everything he’s said and how he’s dealt with us and feel very confident that he’s giving me the best advice and going to help us tremendously. He’s also going to set us up with a lawyer and a CPA so that everything is legal and all the taxes paid properly. And the lawyer will help arrange things so that I can be paid, which is a great relief.

Speaking of paying people…I’ve decided to hire someone to watch Mary for six hours a week, so that I can not only take care of errands (like groceries and post office) and spend time with Mom but also have some time of my own. Yesterday was my first time away and I felt absolutely giddy with my new freedom. It actually felt weird to be out driving. That’s sad, isn’t it? But the giddiness didn’t last long because I had to go over to Mom’s to help her—she was babysitting for one of my nieces and the baby was totally wearing Mom out. This child is probably the most beautiful little boy I’ve ever seen, and he’s incredibly good-natured, but he must have ADHD (and he’s only about 1 ½ years old) because he goes non-stop, touching everything he can get his hands on. Oddly enough, my juggling mesmerized him and actually got him to stand still. He hates to take a nap, so he was completely worn out and getting cranky. Because I was fresh his screaming didn’t bother me when I held him while I lay down with him to get him to take nap. I realize that they need someone to watch the baby, but I don’t think it’s right of them to ask Mom. She’s really too old to deal with a child like him. If he were laid-back it would be a different story. Oh, well, they don’t ask too often. I would do it (although with reservations for longer than an hour!) except that I can’t take care of him and Mary at the same time.

Oh, the cat is warming up to us, but unfortunately more to me than to Mary. She’s still quite nervous but is coming out more and really enjoys being brushed (with a wire brush!) and petted. It’s odd, but she seems to know her name (Marilyn), so there’s no changing it. Luckily, she also responds to kitty.

Under My Skin

Angie has managed to get under my skin again. Why do I let her bother me? I got Mary to call her because Bonnie had said that Mary had talked to Angie earlier on the phone but suddenly Angie was gone, like she’d hung up. Angie was obviously in bad mood, not very talkative. Mary asked her what she was doing and she said she was watching TV—O’Reilly. She reminded Mary that she used to watch him, too, and asked her why she didn’t turn it on and watch him. Then she said that I didn’t…what was it? Did she say I didn’t let Mary or that I didn’t like it? In all honesty, I can’t remember. Mary told her that I didn’t care what she watched, so I piped up that, no, I didn’t like it when she watched him, that I hated him, which she reported back to Angie. So that’s one thing that annoyed me. I mean, that’s part of living with someone—giving and taking. I try not to watch things that Mary doesn’t like (except for “Sex and the City,” for which I feel totally guilty), and I ask Mary not to watch things that I don’t like (like Fox and shows about snakes and spiders). I mean, Mary is free to watch O’Reilly or the Fox News Channel if she wants to, and I’ll go to my room and close the door so that I can’t hear it. But Mary doesn’t want that. My watching TV with her is more valuable to her than watching O’Reilly. But Angie makes it out to seem like I’m so bad guy who’s controlling what Mary watches. Yet she’s the one who will call us and tell us to turn over to a certain channel because there’s something that she thinks we should watch. If we’re in the middle of a movie or something else, I’ll tell her and she gets really vehement about how we should change the channel. However, if we call her and tell her something that we think is good, she’ll reply that she’s watching one of her shows and doesn’t want to change the channel. End of story. Makes me want to scream.

Well, it sounded like their conversation was winding down when I went over to play with the cat. As if Angie had read my mind, she asked Mary if she was enjoying the cat. Mary replied in the affirmative, that she really liked it. Then Angie told her about a couple of kittens that were in the newspaper, that someone wanted to give away, and said that that was what they (??? She and Anna???) had wanted Mary to get—a kitten. In other words, Mary got what I wanted, not what they wanted for her, so I had forced my will on her again. But they don’t understand that for one thing, this cat needed a good home and it’s harder to find a place for an adult cat. Also, this cat is declawed, which is important around someone with paper-thin skin like Mary’s. And this cat is a proven lap-cat. A kitten wouldn’t want to sit still, I don’t think. This one has been shy thus far and hasn’t gotten up into Mary’s lap, but I’m sure she will eventually. And Mary is perfectly happy with this cat. Why does Angie have to go and try to spoil that? Because we didn’t get the kind of cat that she wanted—an orange tabby kitten. She’s so manipulative and wants to be in control! Argh! Why do people have to be so complicated? Why can’t they just enjoy life?