Conflicting Thoughts and Emotions

I couldn’t sleep last night for being plagued with guilt. I was feeling like a sneak, like a snake in the grass. Thinking about what everyone’s going to say and feel—like they were cut out of Mary’s will. They’d think I made Mary do this. Then it occurred to me that I wasn’t making Mary do anything and I’ve never tried to influence her to do anything. I don’t give her sob stories about not having anything when she dies, not having anywhere to live, about how much I do for her, etc. I never, never say these things. She is the one who starts studying on them, as she says, and who asks me where I’m going to live when she dies. She’s the one who worries about me after she’s gone. I’ve never told her that I want her house or her money or anything. I asked her for that garnet ring several years ago (because it only fit her pinky and it fit my ring finger and she had a ring for every other finger), I’ve told her that I’d like to have her Betty Crocker Cookbook and her cooking utensils/pots and pans/etc and I asked her for the little stool that Sonny Savage made (because I remember it from Grandma’s house). I’ve made comments (to Mom) about why in the world do I put the time and energy into things around the house (like painting the garage door myself to save Mary the money, having repairs taken care of, planting rose bushes and bulbs) when it’s going to Anna and you’d think her kids would be more interested in maintaining this place. But I understand how impossible that is and that everyone expects me, since I live here, to do it. But I have felt like I’m just putting into someone else’s investment. I’ve also tried not to get attached to this place or think of it as home since any day I could have to leave. I’ve imagined the scenario of Mary dying and Anna saying I could live here as long as I wanted if I paid all the bills—which I wouldn’t be able to do since I have no money.

There was an odd moment with the lawyer when I asked him about Mary paying me. He said she’s free to give gifts to anyone she pleases. He said that it was true that she could change her will and so I could ask her to make a sort of contract where she would agree to pay me a certain sum upon her death, but that wasn’t in her best interest, that he was there as her lawyer, not as mine. When I said, no, I meant on a monthly basis, he kind of said, well, what did I want, I had room and board free. Let me tell you, I was rather insulted. I told him that I didn’t even have health insurance because I had NO money. It amazes me how people just don’t understand this situation. The lawyer also didn’t understand why I have a PO Box. It seems so clear to me! The financial advisor does, but he’s made some comments that lead me to think that one of his children requires constant care and so he knows from personal experience what it takes to take care of someone full-time and how much that care would cost—and what it’s costing me (no money, no social life). When I went to the dentist the other day, the assistant asked me what I did and so I told her I was sort of unemployed but that I took care of Mary full-time and then later on when it came time to discuss when I’d be back and what I had to have done, she said she understood that money was an issue.

Oh, I’m so tired of thinking about all of this. I’ve asked Mary several times if she’s sure about changing her will and told her that I feel guilty and am worried about people being angry with me. She just repeats that her family knows how much I do for her and that they don’t need the money and that they’ll understand and be ok with everything. I personally don’t think they will. I told her that people may not care about the dollar amount but the gesture of being thought of, but she just doesn’t think they’ll care. I wish people were that way. Sometimes she says that they don’t do anything for her, so I tell her that they do what they’re able to do. I asked about people who try to stay in touch with her like Bettie and Barri. She asked me then how she had things and I said that I would get everything and she replied that that was how she wanted it. When I asked about her church, she said that since she wasn’t going, they didn’t bother about her. I reminded her that she’d really been close with them, though, when she was younger, but that didn’t faze her. Speaking of this, I had asked one of the ladies from church who does come by quite often if she would be one of the witnesses of Mary’s will. She thought about it and told me no, that she wouldn’t be comfortable. She knows that Mary is changing her will and that people will feel like they’ve been cut out and she doesn’t want to get involved in that. I’m sorry about that, but I do understand. But then it shakes my confidence. Maybe Mary isn’t of sound enough mind to redo her will. But, then, she knows what she wants and she has wanted this for a while now. I just really wonder. Maybe I should tell Angie and let her talk to Mary. I’m afraid she wouldn’t be able to convince Mary to change her mind, though, and then people would feel resentful. Like something was being taken away from them and then they might not support Mary at all, which would, of course, not be right but would be a very human reaction. I’m quite certain that Angie has acted these past few years out of a sense of obligation for what Mary was leaving her. Once when she asked Mom to come sit with Mary and Mom said, no, she had to take care of Dad at the time, Angie asked her if she wasn’t aware of how much Mary was going to leave her, to which Mom replied that she didn’t give a hoot about that. I think that’s the way Anna feels, too. Ok, enough.