Grieving

I think I'm going to quit taking the dogs for a walk--it's so painful to come back. No, I'm just joking. I know it's very good for all of us, even if it is painful.

That's two evenings in a row I've just sat here and bawled my eyes out till I couldn't breathe through my nose anymore. Then I tell myself that's enough. And go get a glass of wine. But this is the last of that delicious wine, so I'll either have to move on to something else or just move on. I miss her so, so, so much! Now I'm going to start crying again. The dogs and cat just look at me like they can't figure out what my problem is. I miss all those little things. I want her here again so much that it just hurts so bad. It's like someone is stabbing me in the chest with something very large and heavy. How did Mary survive losing three husbands? How upset she must have been after Bill died. She was nine years older than me and went on to marry two more men. She never sat around and bawled about people dying. Of course, I didn't let her. I tried to comfort her and keep her spirits up. But I don't have anyone here to do that for me. I don't want anyone here to do that. I mean, Mom is so unemotional. And I just don't feel like sitting around bawling with Bonnie or JoAnn. I don't have a best friend. Mary was my best friend, my bosom-buddy.

When I was out cutting the grass, a young man next door (at the Cubans') asked if I wanted some help. I told him no, that my aunt had died and I had a lot of time now and it was good for me to have something to do. I know he didn't understand exactly. I mean, he knew someone had died. He asked if it was the fat one! Oh, my! I guess he never saw Mary. I didn't recognize him, but they have so many people coming and going. While I was cutting the grass, I also saw my next door neighbor Inga, but I didn't go up to her and tell her that Mary had died. I put the black bows on the doors and I feel like that ought to let people know. They're not exactly very apparent, but they're there. Inga and her husband (whose name I can not remember for the life of me) are strange people, not exactly friendly. Maybe they think I'm the unfriendly one. It's just a strange neighborhood. Maybe I should be happy that I don't get the house and just let it go. I mean, this house is not me; it's not the sort of house I would buy. I can't tell you why. I mean, I've never even considered buying a house, so I really don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just talking, just to feel like I'm talking to someone.

Maybe I should call Mom. She's probably watching TV. I feel like I should be able to handle this, do it alone. I'm so lonely. I always was. And now I am again. I'm so scared. I'm so scared of being alone and being depressed. I'm scared of that yawning black hole that threatens to swallow you up and make life a living hell. I'm scared of not having enough money. I'm scared of working at a job I hate and feeling like my life is of no consequence. I'm scared of something happening to the dogs or cat. I'm scared of not having enough money. I'm scared of being alone. These thoughts just keep going round and round in my head and heart.

There was someone cutting down a tree down the road from us and when I woke up this morning, I thought it was Mary snoring. I felt so relieved, like I'd had a bad dream but everything was OK when I woke up. When I went to sleep, I thought, "I'll just pretend she's in there asleep. If I pretend, it feels like it's true."

How can I carry on here for six months, not knowing if I'm going to get this house, not knowing what's going to happen to me? How can I make my life meaningful during that time? By the time the litigation is over, it will be fall and that's a horrible time to travel. How can I think things like that only a few seconds after shedding tears because I miss Mary? I feel like an emotionally unstable teenager again. I feel emotionally unstable. I wonder what I've done with my life and why I did it. I was constantly struggling to have more energy, get more done, take better care of Mary...and now suddenly it's all moot. Null and void. That's how I feel. Why is going to the grocery so difficult? I bought bananas today and that was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my life!

I'm afraid to turn on the TV. It's so normal and my life is not normal anymore. It all goes on like nothing has changed. I don't want to have any part of that.

I need to fold clothes but can't bring myself to do it.

I hate this house! It's so full of memories! I'm so tired of feeling like an intruder here! Why am I seemingly destined to not have a home? I've been homeless since I went to Cincinnati when I was 21. Why did Mary have to leave me now?

Did I waste Mary's money?