Life Going On, Basically

Now that I seem to not be breaking down crying all the time when I'm alone and can actually turn the TV or radio on, I'm starting to feel guilty for not missing Mary more. I mean, I do miss her terribly, but... My life is going on. That seems so natural on one hand and so impossible on the other. Sometimes I just think that I feel like I've gotten out a bit and that when I get back home, she'll be there. I even feel a bit...what is that feeling? Antsy? Guilty? Nervous? It was a feeling I used to have because I knew I only had a certain amount of time and I had to get back home. Other times I feel like I'm swimming in time. Mostly it's nice to be able to do things and not have to constantly check that she's alright or have her repeatedly wanting to help. That's hard to admit. I feel bad for writing it. Oh, now I'm going to get all teary eyed because I do miss her!

I still haven't really made myself a meal like I would have done for us. I eat this or that and scrounge around. I made a cake for G&P (I need to earn some money!), but it was a spice cake with caramel icing, so I didn't have to decorate it. I remember feeling like I'd never want to decorate anymore cakes, like I'd never want to do anything else again.

I had to mow the lawn, though! Mary wouldn't have liked my letting it get so high. I just ordered a new battery. I guess the ones I had lasted for pretty long. It's certainly a lot faster mowing the lawn now. I remember how I'd get Mary all together and put her out on the front porch. I'd have to have something to put her legs up (so her ankles and feet wouldn't get swollen) and something to drink and maybe the newspaper... By the time I got that all set up, I was worn out! Then she kept saying, "I wish we had a boy..." and I'd say, "I do, too! A young, good-looking one!" I don't know if she ever got my joke. Toward the end I think she didn't get a lot of my jokes. Like I'd always say I had to wipe her because we didn't want any doody in the poody and that I didn't want her doing the itchy bucket dance.

Did I mention that I'm thinking about doing a Professional Baker's Diploma from a local school? I need to find out how much it will cost. It's 9 months. Just to do something for myself. Sometimes I think that's all I've ever done and that I'm the most spoiled person in the world.

I'm thinking about going to a dance-camp this weekend. It's for contra dancing, which is kind of like square dancing but sort of like line-dancing. I kind of want to and kind of don't. I'd have to go by myself, which is the best way to meet people. It would cost about $50. I really should spend the money. The weather is supposed to be great. I think I should go. Mom wants me to go.

I started reading a book that I got from my sister Gina before she died. It's called Letting Go of Shame. I never really thought about negative self-thoughts/feelings as being shame, per se. I guess we could all be carrying around a lot of shame.

Well, there's lots to do round here, so I guess I should go do some of it. I've got to bake a Kirschwaehe for Mom, make some Waldorf Salad with a bunch of apples she gave me and make some lentil salad with some cilantro she gave me. I need to do all that spring cleaning stuff, balance the check book, make a to do list related to Mary (esp. changing utilities over to my name), organize paperwork from the last couple of years, write thank you notes to people for their support over the last few weeks, call some people who have called me and some other stuff.