Home Alone

I'm back home, well, at Mary's house, whatever it is, for the first time tonight. Mom seemed really sad for me to leave, but I can't stay there forever. I knew it would be hard, but I just don't know if I can do this. I mean, I have to, and I know it will get better, but it is so, so, so painful. I took the dogs for a walk and the whole time all I could think about was that Mary wouldn't be there waiting when we got back.

I started to put things away that I'd brought back from Mom's--I've got my work cut out for me what with using up apples and cherries and things she had before they go bad. I went to put some papers that were on the counter away and one of them was this picture they took of Mary when we took her into the ER. It was so cute--she looked like such a little bird in her blue toboggan and sun glasses. Oh, my God, that picture almost killed me! It just made it seem so impossible that she's gone. It was just like yesterday when we took her into the hospital and even though she was having some pain, she was in good spirits and so perky and just so Mary! I so miss making her a cup of coffee and all the sweet things she would say. I even thought about putting Heidi on and sitting in the kitchen so I could imagine that she was watching it! But looking at the house as we approached and knowing she wasn't sitting in there waiting... I always used to say to the dogs, "Come on! Let's go home to Mary!" when we were coming toward the house. Everything is so painful! And I just keep seeing that moment when I knew something strange was happening in the hospital. When I knew it wasn't a normal fit or attack. Everything went downhill from there so fast and I couldn't stop it! She was there and then she was so far gone and then she was all gone... It's all just egotistical, really. If she died, it was because her body didn't function properly at some point. But if only I had done something, something else different... she would still be here with me. We had it so good together. I just want another summer... Just another month, why couldn't I have that?! I just feel so alone without her. Nothing seems to make sense or have any value. Everything was for her. Her little compliments and comments. I even miss her moaning! Why didn't I tape it? Why did she have to leave me now? I just want her back!