Moving On

Mary slept almost all day. I hope and pray she does well tonight. I've already resolved that if she gets chest pain, I'm going to give her a baby aspirin and if it doesn't go away within, let's say, half an hour, I'll call 911. I hate to drag her to the hospital, but if she were to kick the bucket, I wouldn't want to think that I should have done something and didn't, you know? I with they'd given me nitroglycerine tablets.

At any rate, she is coughing up gunk occassionally, but otherwise she seems much better. I, on the other hand, seem to have caught the cold now. I'm getting a sore throat and felt that odd sleepiness which bodes the arrival of a cold. I've heard that my niece S has it.

Mom was an absolute angel and came over today so that I could go to the pharmacy and grocery. I felt so guilty that she did this for me, but I really appreciated it. She said she hated to leave me because she thought I was depressed. I think I am a bit. I mean, you should see this place. I haven't done much housework for a long time. That's partly from not having any time, but also partly from lack of desire. I have felt rather down lately and that worries me. But I'm getting ready to have my period, so I think that influences your mood, too. I made a huge effort and started cleaning things up after Mom left. On one hand, I'd love to go to a psychiatrist and get medicine to take to fix my apathy and depression and have someone to talk to (except I'm afraid they'd try to fix me, make me change when I don't want to), but on the other hand I feel convinced that depression is just a state of mind and can be conquered by pure will and determination.

I've decided that my New Year's Resolution this year is going to be that I'm going to be a neater person around the house. No more piles of magazines and newspapers and stuff. I'll put things away and keep things tidy. I think that will keep me from getting depressed. Oh, yes, of course I want to exercise more and lose weight, too. That goes without saying. I wish I could have a treadmill so that I could walk at night when we watch TV and then spend more of my time off with Mom. When I belonged to the gym, I would go there instead of visiting with Mom, or I'd visit with Mom and feel guilty about not going to the gym. I guess I should spend less time at the grocery. I want to set a $200/month limit and stick to it. Mary's money isn't endless and I need to be more frugal, considering how much my gum grafting cost and the roof that needs to be repaired. I'll be so relieved when that's finished!

She started asking me again tonight about how we live and where the money comes from. I explained it all and then she asked if I was going to be taken care of. That is so sweet, that she worries about that. I still wonder, though, a bit, what her motivation is. Trying to buy me to take care of her or seeking to be just. She kept saying she wanted to leave me everything and I kept telling her that it was taken care of, except for the house, and then I'd explain about that. It occured to me to just drop it. I don't think I'll mention that again unless she asks me directly. This is obviously a test God has given me. I've got to learn to let this grudge against Aunt Anna go. It's still so difficult to forgive, but I do hate having a hardness in my heart, and I do try to see things from her perspective, as much as I disagree with it.