Losing Battle?

I haven't written for so long. Why do people always feel a need to state the obvious?I thought when I got a  DSL  connection that I'd write more, but I've written less. I even got MS Office and that hasn’t helped. Once again I’m confronted with the question of why I don’t want to do things that I want to do. I must not want to do them or I would do them.

Anyway, perhaps I haven’t written because things have been alright. When things are going ok, it seems perhaps too mundane to write about. Or perhaps I’ve just been lazy.

Actually, I feel like I haven’t had any time. I was really being careful about my time, writing down everything I did and when, from what time to what time. Then I felt like I’d gotten back on track and I quit writing it down. I felt good, productive. I think I kept going quite well for about two weeks. Then it started to break down, it meaning my schedule and my… my what? I want to say sanity, but that sounds so extreme. My feeling of well-being is perhaps a nicer way of putting it.

I started getting headaches more and more frequently. The Olympics were on and Mary and I watched them every night, but I noticed that every night I felt worse. I wonder if sitting in front of the TV for too long gives me these headaches. The computer screen seems to give them to me. In fact, it’s really stupid of me to be sitting here right now. Maybe it’s simply eye strain and I need new glasses. Maybe the problem was that the Olympics were over with so late that I was getting less and less sleep, but I don’t think that’s right because I was sleeping longer. Sometimes I think that if I sleep too long, I get a headache. Maybe it’s my mattress.

I feel like I’ve had a migraine all this past week. I haven’t been keeping track, but I think it’s true. I finally massaged my feet and gave myself a foot bath last night and did some yoga and today I was migraine free, but tonight it’s back. My feet were so sore—when I massaged them and today. The heels and the arches are especially sore. I looked at some reflexology charts to see what that meant, but I can’t understand it. I think they showed that I was having throat and pelvic problems. Hmph.

We watched A Beautiful Mind this evening, and, I tell you, maybe I’m just extremely empathetic, but I started feeling like I was crazy. This constant wondering and trying to figure out what’s causing these migraines, this tension and nausea is driving me crazy. Having to constantly repeat myself to Mary and the cat constantly begging me for attention are driving me crazy. The list of things to do that I don’t get done is driving me crazy. I spent all day working on an apple pie. Isn’t that crazy? I checked out this cookbook called The Pie and Pastry Bible and I think the lady who wrote it must have some sort of problem because she is detailed to the point of being anal and makes baking seem like some sort of witchcraft or science experiment. Everything’s terribly complicated and must be so exact. That’s why it’s so incredibly tempting to try her recipes out and see what they’re like. Why can’t I accept that she’s not right and that it’s not that complicated? As my sister Nikki said about this author, why can’t you just throw things together? I think I have to prove to myself that she may do it that way, but her way is not the only way. For example, she insists that pie crusts be made with butter, that shortening is inferior, so why use it. However, the crusts shrink so much! Well, her response is to do all this other hocus pocus to fix that: constantly putting the dough into the fridge to rest. However, I don’t think I even really like a pie crust made with so much butter. Maybe it’s an acquired taste, but I think things can taste too buttery. Like that frosting on Mary’s birthday cake. And it’s not like all that butter is healthy or healthier, even. Why am I carrying on about this? See, I’m just crazy, obsessive.

So is my life falling apart a symptom or is it the cause of my downward spiral? Is it all just hormonal? I get so tired of thinking. I get so tired of myself. But tonight I went into another room and felt that the migraine was coming back—the headache, the nausea—and I started to cry. It’s like living with a mild form of torture. Like having a screw in your neck and someone keeps tightening it. Do I need to do yoga every day? Should I take a hot bath? As Mom asked, why am I so tense? Why do I need to relax so much? How could I ever hold up under real-life (work-life) stressful conditions?

Have I been drinking too much tea? You see, I can never quit asking myself what I’m doing wrong. But I never come up with the answer. So I start looking for the way to fix things. But I don’t find an answer there either, not a permanent answer because things are always changing. I’m never the same from day to day. I guess no one is. But I think other people are more stable. I don’t think this is normal. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I even find myself thinking things like, “Here it is, I’m going down again,” or “I’m at the top now. How long will this last?” At least knowing that no phase lasts forever helps to get through the bad phases, but I’m getting so tired of having them. Do I need to just get over it, get over myself?

I called Mom today and invited her over for pie, coffee and dominoes tomorrow. She accepted!

I need to find some information about Mary’s investments so that H&R Block can finish doing her taxes. If I don’t find the information, she’ll owe about $80,000 in taxes, in addition to the $350 fee that H&R Block is charging. Then they ask if you want some insurance for $29 in case they didn’t do their job right, basically. That shouldn’t be legal.

On a positive note, I’ve been back on my diet for three days and I’ve been doing really well. I did some thinking about what sort of mental and emotional baggage I have about losing weight and was surprised at what I found, but also empowered by giving a name to my issues.

Hm, I thought this was supposed to be about Mary. Then I should tell you that she’s been having so much difficulty walking. That’s been at least since we got back from Gina’s, so about three weeks, I guess. She didn’t have a UTI, but Dr R sent a nurse to get another urine sample. I think they need to take another blood test, since that’s where the infection showed up in the first place. They’re going to ask her next week. Maybe I’m just stressed by three weeks of constantly telling her to breathe when she walks—it’s the sure-fire way of getting her to shake less. Also, it’s been stress whenever she gets up because she has so much trouble walking. It’s a lot of work to move her from point A to point B. I don’t want her to get weak, though, so I try to get her up as often as I can, when I’m not too distracted by other things I have to do, that is. Yes, I feel like I’m constantly trying to hold down a blanket outside on a windy day, so that we can have a picnic, but when I get one corner down, another one flies up and then something gets knocked over… a losing battle.