Sleepless

I can't sleep for some reason. Maybe it has something to do with the headache I've had since dinner. And maybe that has something to do with the glass of red wine I had with dinner--which definitely had something to do with the hour or so I spent making spanikopita! Of course, Mary, whom I had parked in front of the television (Animal Planet), kept calling me to ask if there was anything she could do. I hate that I lose my patience (and try not to let her perceive this), but it always seems that when I'm doing something especially tedious, she calls me more often to offer her help. I wish I had more for her to do, but she's able to do less and less. I still get her to sharpen knives (damn, she's so good at it!), but sometimes I worry how I'd explain if something happened and I had to take her to the ER. Somehow I don't think they'd understand my letting a 96-year-old sharpen my kitchen knives!

So, anyway, I can't sleep. It's uncommonly warm tonight. It's been so nice to have cool nights. Bella and I have definitely been sleeping better. And I guess Rudi has, too, since he doesn't have to follow me back and forth between my bed and the couch, as I try to find somewhere that induces me to sleep a bit.

I haven't written in a long time, have I? Half a year. I can't remember much about May. JoAnn moved in at the end of June. The first couple of weeks were wonderful and then the next couple were terrible (as the novelty wore off) and then things settled down (no thanks at all to my lack of communication skills) and have been alright since. Jo's great about staying with Mary so I can have time off, and that's rather invaluable. I've been able to go for walks and go out to concerts. I even went out with a guy several times, but it didn't work out. A real pity. At any rate, I'll be glad that Jo will be here through Christmas and she may even stay longer. She was supposed to leave in January, but the apartment she planned to move to may not be available. It's very convenient for her here since her workplace is just down the road. We'll just have to play it by ear.

I think I tend to have a mid-summer slump, and this year was no exception. I start feeling like I'm wearing a straight-jacket, and I get absolutely nothing done. I mentioned to Dr R that I had occasional bouts of mild depression and she said she'd wondered for years when I was going to say something! I was divided about trying anything, so I agreed to a six-week trial period. She put me on Fluvoxamine, which is an SSRI that's especially good for OCD. The first two weeks I was miserable--sick to my stomach and nauseous. I had less and less energy and desire to do anything, which made taking care of Mary difficult, so I cut my dose in half, which the doctor agreed was a good idea. I just had a check-up last week and she was very pleased with my progress. I started taking the whole dose and I haven't had any problems. It's odd. I don't feel happier--I'd thought I'd feel giddy with happiness or something, but I laugh more and sing more (egads!) and play more music CDs. I seem to slowly be getting things in order more, too. I remember when I used to have no problem getting things done. I hope I can return to that. I know that deep down I'm afraid to have nothing to do because I'm afraid I'll get depressed. I detest that feeling of looking at things that used to interest me and feeling a blankness, if not a repulsion, inside. (It's like how they say that the opposite of love is not hate but apathy.) Like a gaping hole. I still sometimes feel that but I seem better able to combat it. I've been exercising more since I got the elliptical machine from April and Lee, so I'm sure that has helped. Also, I've lost some weight and that always makes a person feel better. I even got my hair cut, although I don't much care for the results! Dr R said she wanted to see the gray gone the next time I come in, so I've made an appointment to get that done (and maybe my cut straightened out a bit) this week. I'm not completely sure about dying my hair again. I hate to spend the money and there's the feeling that I'm not being honest about who I am, but I do feel that it makes me look old and if I want to be attractive to men, then I need to feel good about how I look. I think there is a bit of not caring about my appearance that went along with letting my hair go gray. Mom isn't being very supportive, although she's trying her best. She does want what's best for me even if she doesn't agree with the means to that end.

All of this makes me wonder whether this depression business (as well as the OCD) really runs in the family, as I think it does, or whether it's just a case of caregiver blues. I'm pretty sure I've had my problems for a long, long time. Maybe my situation exacerbated my tendencies. Maybe getting older was bringing my problems to a head. My brother Kevin thinks the medicine is just a temporary fix and shouldn't be a crutch, but Dr R seems to think it's a chemical imbalance that will need to be straightened out the rest of my life, like a diabetic needing insulin--which makes a lot of sense to me. I'm glad I've started opening up to her.

Oh, I entered a cookie recipe contest this summer and my recipe was chosen as one of the runners up! Here's a link to the story:
http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/cookie-swap

I took some Tylenol, but my headache isn't any better--and I'm sure staring at a computer screen isn't helping, so I should go soon.

Mary is pretty much the same as always. She's more forgetful and talks more about "going home," which I never know how to respond to. Her shoulder hurts her a lot--arthritis. I give her Tylenol, but it doesn't seem to help much. She can't remember what she's done to it to make it hurt so much. She has more chest pain at night than ever before. She hasn't had a UTI for a few months--yeah! But she does have more lose stool than ever, which really gets me down. I get so tired of cleaning her. She bares it patiently. I think she really enjoys having Jo here.

Angie had some trouble in the summer and was in the hospital. We haven't talked to her for a couple of months. I guess I got full-up of her. It's so hard to talk to her on the phone, anyway. And she's so negative. Tom also had a bad time. He called and left a message the other day and sounded really good. Who knows how Anna is doing? Mom is more and more forgetful but otherwise pretty well. She had a bad cold at the beginning of the summer and lost her sens of taste and smell. Sounds like that's the fate of her family genes.

My head's splitting, I've got to go!