Early Bird and Other Birds

I know a lot of people would scoff if I said I felt like an early bird because I got up at 7:30--not that my brain is awake yet, even though I've been up for an hour and already had a cup of tea and even tidied up the kitchen, as well as put Mary on the potty, given her morning pills to her and put her back to bed (the last three of which are a given). I'm so relieved to wake up (and get up) early! I was wondering, after sleeping till 5 PM yesterday (thank goodness for Jo) after staying up till 4 AM and then staying up till 2:30 AM last night (and not actually getting to sleep till who knows when), if and how I'd ever get back to a normal schedule. I guess the body straightens itself out.

One reason I couldn't sleep last night was that my lower back and hips have been hurting so much. I did Feldenkrais exercises last night but they only help so much. I lay in bed and massaged all over wherever it hurt. I can't say I feel better today, but I felt like I was doing something good just by trying to do something. I get so worried about permanently damaging my back with lifting Mary, but what can I do? I have to lift her. I suppose some people would say that I should have kept her in better condition by doing exercises with her, and I guess they'd be at least partially right. However, I can't cry over spilt milk and just have to deal with things as they are, and as they are is that my lower back is killing me and I'm already taking a rather strong pain pill every day for the pain in my hips and hands. I'm willing to "pay" for taking care of Mary by not having a social life, job or home when she passes away, but I've got to have my health relatively intact. (I wish Jo would work on me more, but I have to learn to ask her--not easy for me! Also, she can only temporarily fix things as I'd be constantly undoing the fixes.)

Will there come a time when I won't be able to take care of her? She said sometime last night when I put her on the potty that she wasn't going to be around much longer. Sometimes I kind of feel like, "Promises, promises!" Isn't that wicked of me? I just tell her that I don't want her to go but she is 96 and that's longer than a lot of people live to be. It just struck me that it's rather selfish of her to not think of the imposition she's making on my life. I mean, she says she's thankful and wonders what she'd do without me, but she doesn't really care about what it means to my life. I guess that's a lot to ask of someone her age. How many people could really be that selfless, anyway?

I'm sitting out on the back porch. I had the windows redone so that they're insulated and it's been so nice. It makes a world of difference in the temperature and it looks so much better, as it's all white and there's more glass in the door. Also, we can open the windows, which I absolutely love, especially when it rains. The view is of a sort of little woods going up a small hill. I guess that's why they call this "Bella Vista" subdivision. It is a nice view. Now it's all red and orange. There are two huge oak trees in the neighboring yard and Mary comments on them all the time--how big they are and how she hopes they don't ever fall on the house (they do lean this way). We have a good variety of birds due to the woods and those big trees. Right now there are chickadees and a nuthatch out there. We especially love the downy and red-bellied woodpeckers. OK, if I'm digressing into a nature-logue then I'd better go!