Sleeping Reprieve

I feel like such a rat, keeping Mary so drugged all the time. I spread her medicine out a bit more during the night but this morning she woke up and was complaining about her hand, so I gave her some more. She kept saying that she couldn't move her arm and that her hand was so cold. I heated a "bean bag" and put it under her hand and then she started saying it was burning. She just kept asking what was wrong with it and why couldn't she move it. I'm so tired of telling her, "You've got a cyst on your wrist and it must be pressing on a nerve." It's partly so annoying because it rhymes. Why is that so annoying? I told her several times to let it rest and not try to move it. When I asked if she wanted to go back to sleep, she said no, so I made her some coffee, which she took two sips of and proceeded to fall back asleep, so I pushed her chair back into a reclining position. I just let her sleep in her lazy boy all night--in case I had to put her on the potty. It's so much easier to get her in and out of her chair, although last night I really almost cried because I thought I wasn't going to be able to manage it in her combined drugged and handless state. This has all made me quite fearful about what I'll do if Mary lives so long that she becomes really incapacitated. I don't think I could handle her alone.

I'm concerned that she's not eating and therefore also not having a bowel movement. She managed about a cup of broth yesterday. That was it. Well, a bit of Coke and a bit of Ginger Ale, too. I think I'll mix some Benefiber in with some broth today. I should also try to get her to drink a bit of her juice with potassium in it. I don't want her potassium level sinking too low. You know, I can just see her ending up in the hospital because of all of this. I mean, I have tried to continue her medication, but there's one drug that needs to be given with food, so I haven't been able to give her that. And she hasn't gotten her potassium, either. And regardless of my playing it cool to her, I am quite concerned that she said she couldn't move her arm. Maybe it was just the drugs speaking because she did seem to be able to move it. I feel so all alone and so unhelped. I feel like none of the doctors or medical staff has taken her seriously. Do they really care so little about old people?

I'm also concerned that she hasn't brushed her teeth for days. Can I brush them for her? I don't want her to choke. And if I wake her up, she'll just start complaining about her hand again. Luckily, it seems that if I start singing Brahms' Lullaby or I'll Take You Home Again, Kathleen, she slips off to sleep, or Sleepytown, as she calls it.

Yesterday when Bonnie came in and asked how she was, even though she'd been in horrible pain and sleeping all day, she sat bolt upright and her eyes popped open and she said, "I'm fine, honey!" She soon resumed her sleep, though, and Bonnie says she slept all the while I was gone. However, as soon as I got back, her hand started hurting again.

I have to admit, it was nice to not have to watch TV last night. For once to be able to keep it off and not have those blaring commercials and stupid laugh-track. I listened to The Thief Lord by Cornelia Funke--a book on tape I'd gotten out of the library. It's really so good. She's a German author who is so popular that her books are printed simultaneously in English as well as German.

Oh, Mom and I went out to visit Angie yesterday, to take her the Xmas present from Mary--booties that can be warmed in the microwave. She thought they were ugly till I heated them and put them on her and then she thought they were heavenly :-) Mary had the same reaction. I'm so glad Mom got to see Angie. I tell you, those women, that family, they're so unemotional. Is that German stoicism? The Beislers and Zimmermanns were from southern Germany, so they shouldn't have been so stoic. But I guess all Germans are rather unemotional compared to other nationalities--except when they're not. I'm blabbering. But it's true that Germans tend to be extreme, whatever they are being.

I almost finished putting up the Xmas decorations last night. It's hard to get in the mood when Mary doesn't care. Oh, I also went down and got Angie's Xmas tree. Annette had taken all the lights and decorations off of it. Silly girl, but she insists on doing things her way. Angie is the one who taught me to just leave everything on the tree and throw a trash bag over it before stowing it away. I put the lights on it and put it in the living room and plugged it in, but I couldn't be bothered to put the ornaments on it. I wish I could decorate as much for Angie as I do for Mary because I know Angie would appreciate it so much more. Well, maybe Mary will like it when she's herself again. Although then we're supposed to go visit Gina and by the time we get back it will pretty much be Xmas already. I'm worried about that visit, too. More so than I was before. Well, if Mary doesn't feel well, then we just can't visit Gina. Fred can take Mom and Dad, that's all there is to it. Gina can have a crisis, as they say in German, but I can't jeopordize Mary's health like that.