Helpless

I'm so ashamed of myself. All last night I felt so sorry for myself because Mary was being such a bother. All night I heard her making noises and paid no attention, this morning begging her to let me sleep a little longer. I'm so dumb! I thought she kept leaning over and messing in the trash can. It didn't occur to me, the idiot, that she had fallen over and couldn't sit back up. She knew something was wrong with her and was worried and I was just annoyed that she wouldn't be quiet.

I finally got a clue this morning around 7:30 and helped her sit up. Actually, I got scared b/c I started thinking that maybe she'd had a stroke. I sat her up and she said she had to use the potty. She wanted to know why she couldn't move her right arm or talk properly. She just kept mumbling. I think I may have shouted something at one point and her eyes flew open and she talked quite normally. Maybe that was after the potty. But it didn't last long.

I knew it would be hard getting her on the potty because she was so out of it and my back was killing me--from lifting her all week and sleeping on the floor. I lifted her up--she couldn't even manage to put her good arm around my neck. She reached out and grabbed the potty chair and as I lifted her up, she lifted the chair up. I yelled at her to put it down. I was freaking out, as you can imagine, lifting 105 lb and not having anywhere to put it. She got her feelings all hurt because I yelled at her! I told her I was just stressed and freaked out. Boy, she carried on and carried on about my yelling at her. On the potty she couldn't sit up straight. I kept trying to hold her up but it was like she was pushing against sitting up. I never can get her pants down quickly enough, so the back of them always gets wet. I hate to change them just because of this (I'm using Poise and they aren't cheap), but I wouldn't want wet undies in the back. Plus, that could cause skin problems.

As usual, whenever I take a wet wipe and wipe her urethra (is that right?), she pees again. She'll sit there without peeing but the moment I do that, it comes running out again. She did a fair amount, which is good. I barely managed to get her undies and pants back up. She just couldn't hold on to me or stand. I always think of the Hulk in moments like that and pray that God will give me the extra strength I need. I had to sit her down once but then I managed to get her onto the chair. Luckily, I can lift the foot right away to keep her from sliding out. Then I run around to the back and pull her up under the armpits. Her poor armpits are bruised and I'm sure they must be sore from me yanking on them. You know, this helpless state, isn't that the way the majority of old people are? I mean, haven't we been lucky that none of the aunts have been like this permanently?

When I got her in her chair and straightened her up, she seemed to be more with it. She just kept asking me what was wrong with her. Her hand burned a bit, but she meant the drugged out state, not the pain. I wondered whether I should give her anything else, since her hand was hurting. The only thing I've given her since I came in yesterday was an Aleve, I believe. I take notes, but after a while your brain is so muddled, you're not sure if you took notes properly. I try to write out when the next few pills are due, so I can be ready at the proper time but sometimes I don't give it to her then, and then I get confused. I try to put an X through the time if I didn't give it to her then and to cross it out straight through if I did, but my system doesn't always hold up under my duress, as in the case of this last night. Anyway, she was with it enough to not want me to give her anything else! She said she was afraid to take anything else.

I thought maybe some coffee would do her good and she said she'd take some if I thought it would help. I said I thought she seemed better and she said, no, she wasn't. Then I remembered that I had to give her her early morning pills and she can't have anything to eat or drink for an hour afterwards, so I gave those to her, explaining what each one was for (low thyroid, indigestion, poor circulation). The I asked if she wanted to listen to her church music. She said she did, which was a relief to me as it was a sign of normalcy. I put some music on and warmed up her booties since her toes were cold. She was out of it by then. I went in the kitchen to make myself some tea. (I've been drinking big, double-sized cups with sugar. I only put sugar in my tea as a treat when I'm feeling stressed out.) A couple of times she called me back into the living room. She wanted to know if I was still there. You know, I think as she was stuck leaning over the chair all night, she wondered where she was and where I was, why I wasn't there to help her. I feel so awful. Like such a traitor.

She also called me back because she was seeing things. She'd said earlier that she'd seen two bugs. I feel even worse. She was stuck leaning over the edge of the chair all night and was seeing bugs. That would be enough to make me lose my mind.

Now she's snoring occasionally, which I take also as a good sign of normalcy. At least she's asleep. Last night she kept saying she couldn't sleep. Maybe because she'd done nothing but sleep for several days. I wonder if these drugs stay in her system longer and if they've been sort of accumulating, so to say. Well, at least her hand isn't hurting her and that's definitely something to be happy about.

She just asked me to turn the music down--thank goodness! I turned it down, she kept saying what I thought was "lower" and then she said, "Can't you turn it up any higher than that?" Argh! Then she somehow saw the cat and said, "Hi, Kitty! We've got two cats?" "No, just one," I answered. Should I have said, "Uh-huh," and left it at that?

Well, I'm going to go digging in my knitting needles. I've got a crazy idea that I want to make a lace poncho for my goddaughter. Like I'll be able to finish by Xmas. Ha! (My idea was that a lace pattern would be quicker.) You know how you get these ideas in your head and just can't get them out? I have also had this idea for years now to make vintage aprons. Pretty ones, not the ugly ones you see on the internet. And ones that are made of useful materials. Apparently, aprons are back in but just the flimsy, decorative ones. Those don't interest me. I'm into practical things. Practical but pretty.