Misery

I think the last week, especially the last few days, have been the worst in my life. Am I just getting old, I wonder, because surely I've been through much worse with Mary. Maybe the novelty has worn off. Maybe it's just a fact that not being able to use a hand is much worse than not being able to use a leg. That might be true, because it's harder to get her onto the bed because she can't use her right hand to push her body back. So I have to hope she doesn't slide off and hop up quickly behind her and pull her up. That's not great for her arms where I'm grabbing her under the armpits and it's even worse for my back. This, combined with my having to then get up behind her and pull her up toward the head of the bed and having to pick her up to transfer her from chair to chair to bed, is definitely taking a toll on my back. What will we do tomorrow when Bonnie is here? Well, I do think Bonnie is stronger than I am, but I certainly can't ask her to do these things. Well, I can't stress about it. I'll just keep my mouth shut and let Bonnie deal with it. No, I know I won't. But I can't stress about it right now.

Yes, it's definitely harder to transfer someone who can't use their hand or the lower part of their arm because they can't hold onto you. Add to that the fact that Mary's legs are much weaker than they used to be and it makes sense that my back is hurting me! It's also a problem that Mary's right hand is the one that's hurt because she is right-handed. So now I'm having to wipe after she urinates, as well as after she has a bowel movement. I don't mind as long as she can get her legs apart :-) She so drugged out right now that she's not very capable of doing even that.

Yes, started Friday on the way home from the surgeon's to pick up the wheelchair, which I stupidly forgot, her hand started hurting like never before. I should have pulled over immediately and given her some medication (not that it seems to be helping). When I took her up to his office, she was still moaning and groaning furiously. Luckily, we didn't get those five inches of snow that was predicted and the ice was dried up by strong winds overnight. I recognized the office building somehow. I know I've taken Mary there before but I can't remember why for the life of me. Anyway, we had to wait a while because we'd lost our appointment. I'd been running late to begin with because you just can't rush a 94-year-old even if you do get her up several hours before you have to leave. She just kept falling asleep on me. I should have gotten more things together the night before...

The doctor finally came in and when he asked Mary how she was--a ridiculous questin considering that she'd been moaning loudly ever since I brought her into the office--she gave an even more ridiculous answer: fine. I swear, that woman could be dying of a heart attack and she'd still say she was fine if someone came in and asked her! Well, I didn't care much for this doctor (or his staff). They were all rather cold and unfeeling. I guess Dr R has spoiled me. Well, he said that the cyst was filled with joint fluid and having it operated on was usually elective surgery. Then he paused. I wondered what in the hell he was driving at. He finished, "But since she's in such pain..." I mentioned in the course of the discussion that the Hydrocodone didn't seem to be doing any good and we discussed that she didn't react well to Vicadon, which Gina had informed was the same as Hydrocodone! So he said to switch to Darvocet. I don't have much faith in Darvocet helping Mary, either, actually, but kept this (stupidly?) to myself. I wish he had given me a prescrition for something stronger. I mean, he saw how much pain she was in. Why didn't I ask him?!

Well, that pain continued all day until late in the night. I gave her Aleve every eight hours and Darvocet every four hours. Waves of pain would take hold and cause her to sweat profusely. I felt so helpless. You know, that constant moaning and groaning has been especially wearing. I don't know why I let it get to me. She always moans a lot anyway and always says it's just something she has to do and to tell her to stop if I don't like it--although she always takes offense, then, when I do tell her to stop. I tell her that she'll end up like the boy who cried wolf because one day she'll be moaning about something serious and I'll just ignore her.

Saturday things seemed to have gotten under control and I continued the Aleve and Darvocet therapy--with smaller waves of pain. But I didn't continue the medicine through the night and that was a big mistake. Sunday was worse and around 4:30 PM she started having much, much worse pain. I eventually called 911 but when they finally answered they said there were more pressing cases and the ambulance wouldn't be there for a while if they called one for us. I was rather annoyed, let me tell you, but I told them fine, I'd try to get her into the car. I was so scared that I'd drop her but we managed alright.

I took her to Audubon but was a nervous wreck from her moaning the whole time. I'd never been to that ER, and I didn't know where to park or where the entrance was. They have this stupid sort of track running along in front of the pavilion leading to the entrance and the wheelchair almost got overturned going over it. There was very little light and it was raining. I hit my leg on the wheelchair and it's still incredibly sore.

When they checked us in they gave us this sort of pager thing like they use in restaurants! How crappy! How cheap! How impersonal! The first time it buzzed we were supposed to go over and take care of paper work. That got taken care of fairly quickly. Then we proceeded to wait. It got colder and colder. Luckily, I'd had two blankets in the car and had also thrown Mary's robe over her. Those friggin assholes made Mary sit there in pain for two hours! She was practically passing out from shock. I couldn't restrain myself from giving him a small piece of my mind when the man who finally came to help her jovially commented on her age. He merely replied in his continued jovial manner that two hours was not bad for the ER. And all over there were signs about their five-star service and customer satisfaction! Piss on that!

They gave Mary a prescription for Tramadol, which I believe is a form of Codein (sp?). A young lady came back to give us this and made a comment about hoping we were happy with how this solution since we'd been unhappy about the wait. Argh! Luckily, the pharmacist was able to fill the prescription immediately. Mary was also able to get up the stairs. I really didn't want to bother August at 9PM on a rainy Sunday night.

She was in pain all night and through the first half of the day. She'd moan and grimace and jerk in her sleep. She seemed to want me there next to her but didn't want me to touch her. This is hard for me because when I stroke or touch her then I feel like I'm doing something to help her. I finally figured out that singing to her seemed to soothe her and help her sleep. I just kept repeating the Schubert Ave Maria (what I could remember) and Brahms' Wiegenlied/Lullaby. The latter made me so sleepy, I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. I slept most of the night in my own bed but after getting up around 5AM, I finally decided to pull the cushion for the swing (outside) into her room and sleep there. As a result, I didn't reset my alarm clock like I had been and got confused about what I'd given her. I probably gave her a double dose of something. Maybe that's what helped because she finally just slept without any obvious pain.

Talk about confusing! I give her the Darvocet every four hours, the Aleve every eight hours and the Tramadol every six hours. Except I have to make sure that I give her the Tramadol no sooner than two hours after Aleve, which means I'm really giving it to her evey eight hours. I made out a little time-sheet but every once in a while something would get off. Argh! I'll try to stretch the Darvocet out to every six hours tonight and see about tomorrow. Maybe I should make the Darvocet every eight hours. Or maybe I should keep it every six hours and try to cut out the Tramadol. They said only to give it as needed but I don't know if she needs it until she starts feeling pain, but by the time she feels the pain, it's too late for the medication to help much for a long time. Help!

Mom made the comment that if Eddie were alive, he'd have gotten her an appoint with the surgeon earlier than Friday. I do certainly miss being able to ask for his advice. Or even for Chris' advice, but I don't feel comfortable asking Chris for medical advice anymore. I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. Or me, either, for that matter! (to be honest)

She said she wanted to get up at around 4:30 but all she did was sleep and hallucinate the whole time. Luckily, she seems to be having good visions and laughs a lot. She wouldn't eat hardly anything all day. Just a few bites of banana and cooked carrot and a few small glasses of buttermilk and soy milk--to take the Darvocet. She threatened to throw up several times. Yesterday she started off the day by throwing up. She also drank about one and a half cups of coffee and half a can of coke--I thought it would settle her stomach.

I hope she's better tomorrow. I want to take Angie and Anna their Xmas presents--booties that can be warmed in the microwave. Mary really likes hers but they're so heavy that I'm concerned that Angie and Anna won't be able to carry them to and from the microwave. Maybe they can carry one shoe at a time. Mom said she'd go out to visit Angie with me. I also have several other errands to run. I hate that feeling of pressure. I mean, I've only got three hours and it goes so quickly. Last Thursday I made eight stops in my three hours. I was quite proud of myself. But I didn't have any fun, let me tell you. Maybe that's also why I'm so stressed-out. I haven't gotten any Xmas cookies made and that makes me very sad because that's something I really enjoy. It's hard to get into things, though, because Mary says she doesn't care one way or the other.

Oh, I took a picture of Mary and me that Fred took and made a Xmas card of it. I think people have really liked it. (But it does make me look fat!)

Mary's in there moaning and it almost time for her next pill, so I've got to go.