Once again...

Once again I've managed to stay up way too late! Argh! And I even got Mary to bed on time. (Ha, ha--as if I had anything much to do with it since she definitely has a mind of her own.) Who am I joking? She wanted to go at 9:40, but I am such a weak person and have become such a slave to the TV. Yes, the person who went for at least 10 years without owning a set can't just switch it off. Probably the reason why I never owned a TV! Anyway, I fenagled her into staying up till the end of the show ("just 20 more minutes") and then the beginning of the news, which was pointless because I spent so much time begging her to let me hear the top stories that I missed most of them. At which point (well, actually, it was the sports point of the news, which really doesn't interest me) I succumbed and had her shut it off. (I try to let her have the remote to empower her and to help keep her mental faculties sharp by having to remember how to use it, which is definitely an area that's getting worse and worse.)

Now that was good of me. I wanted to practice some more with the MSWord instruction CDRom I'd bought. As usual, no matter what I do, I still somehow feel inadequate and am certain deep down inside that I really don't know what I'm doing. So I overtrain. Just like I did with singing... And German, too, for that matter. Meanwhile people who really don't know what they're doing are out there singing and teaching German and translating... And I'm taking care of Mary. Which is, in the end, ok because... well, I cant' tell you why right now because it's way too late and everything I think of at the moment sounds incredibly trivial. But I know it's the right decision, so there. As my brother Eddie once said, "Do what you want to do. But remember--you'll have to live with it for the rest of your life." And that goes for the good as well as the bad. Just as a sin isn't always what you do but what you don't do as well.

So I'm quite proud of myself for tonight, if not for today (over the course of which I didn't really accomplish much other than washing the dishes and several loads of clothes, filling up the bird feeder and bath, dealing with the ant infestation in Mary's room, changing M's bed, finally making that vegetable soup I've been wanting to make and staying within my WW's points range): I not only walked (ie, marched) for half an hour while watching TV, but I also threw some jogging in (major step for such a sportsaphobe) and did some work on the MSWord CDRom. Now, if I can manage to get up at 7:00 tomorrow morning, I'll be on a real roll!

As usual, I wonder why I give in to my inner hound dog (innerer Schweinehund) instead of just doing what I know I should. I'd feel so much better and probably get so much more done that I'd have tons more time to do what I really want to do. Hm. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of. Yeah, like being afraid of success because you're sure once you succeed you'll fail. If I get my act together, it will be blaringly evident that I don't have my act together!