Feeling Blue

Mary seems to have suddenly realized that she's old. For the last two nights she's lain there awake, thinking about dying. And in the morning, too, when I go in to get her up. I get in bed next to her, which is quite a squeeze in her hospital bed, and cuddle up next to her. I try getting her to call people, but all she does is complain to them that she's sick and not doing well. I wonder why she thinks she's so sick? I mean, she's not perfectly healthy but she's not anywhere near dying. Sometimes I think that she senses that I'm not feeling well (I've had migraines three days in a row.), and then she "acts up" to get my attention. Maybe she's feeling so depressed because she's getting so hard of hearing that she feels like she's missing out, that she's not connected with what's going on around her. Should I get her hearing checked? The thought of dealing with a hearing aid with her just about sends me round the bend. But on the other hand, it's not fair to her to leave her not hearing everything. Isn't that her right, to be able to hear everything? And, then, it could make things easier. But I know how forgetful she is and how new things really throw her for a loop. And I've seen how difficult it's been for Ange, dealing with her hearing aid. Help! Can't someone give me the right answer?

Mary also keeps talking (at night) about giving me her house. This is so frustrating for me. I mean, I've given her a chunk of my life, made my life fit hers, made this house my home, and yet when she's gone, I won't have anything. She changed her will about two years ago and simplified it. I had been supposed to get a little bit of something but now I only get a ring which she already gave me and which is probably worth next to nothing. It's just that it's pretty. One side of me hates me for even caring. Or for thinking I have a "right" to anything. On the other hand, I'm hurt by the injustice of it. Mostly, I'm just sick of thinking about it. It's all just material possessions anyway.

Mary's still hearing voices at night. Last night I heard her saying, "Shut up! Get out of here!" Then "Dear God, dear God." or "Jesus, Jesus." I wonder if her and Angie's hearing these voices has to do with their hearing loss and maybe a lack of blood circulation in the ear canal. Sort of like tinnitus.