Just Bored and Complaining

I'm just writing because I don't want to go to bed. I've gotten into the horrible habit of staying up till 2 AM. I'm such a child. I just don't want to go to bed. I lay there and think about all the things I didn't do today. Then I'm so tired when I get up--around 11 o'clock--that I can't think straight and don't want to do anything all day. It's so embarrassing. I'm just plain lazy. There's no excuse.

I wonder so much why I put things off. There's like a lowish brick or cement wall that I'd have to cross and I'm just too lazy to lift my leg high enough to get over. I was wondering today why there is always, always, always something that needs to be done that I haven't done. Why can't life be simpler? Is that too much to ask? Or is it just me? Will I always leave things left undone. Is that human nature or are there people out there who always get everything done when they have time. Because it's not like I don't have enough time. That's all I've got. Maybe I've got too much time! I have thought that maybe I'm afraid of getting everything done. Afraid that then I'll be bored. But I can't believe it's so simple. Or should I say so complicated? I think it's really just that I'm lazy. It's that simple.

It's usually easier to play and leave the unpleasant work undone. But my playing right now would be baking cookies and I haven't even done much of that. Mary wants to help or is simply bored and a distraction and Rudi barks every time the timer goes off, which, as anyone who has baked cookies knows, is quite often! Argh!

Oh, so many things are piling up!

• the bathroom ceiling is leaking and I need to call the insurance man
• someone stole the deposit bag from Mary's bank and now I've had to open another account and transfer all the automatic payments and deposits--a million jobs in one
• the doctor hasn't called about the follow-up on the abnormal pap smear that Mary had, so I'll have to call again
• Mary and I both need to go to the dentist and the eye doctor
• the pipe leading off from the washing machine needs to have a snake put down it--this pipe keeps overflowing when the washer goes through the spin cycle and there's a nasty smell in the basement
• the rear turn signal on my car needs to be fixed--I'm actually working on this now that I've gotten the battery fixed (ie, now that Jo went and took care of getting a new one for me)
• there's something scratching around in the attic/crawl space--but I don't think I can do much about that
• Mary's latest UTI doesn't seem to be getting any better with this antibiotic prescription
• in general I don't take care of Mary's or my hygiene very well anymore--washing and brushing teeth--that's really embarrassing!
• I really need to lose weight--I've gained 15 lb over my usual overweightness and none of my clothes fit properly but I just can't stick with a diet or get myself to exercise--esp. since I moved the elliptical machine to the back porch to satisfy Mary since she didn't like it in the living room
• I should be taking the dogs for a walk every day--but that makes me nervous, too, since I have to leave Mary alone for those 10-15 minutes
• I should be getting Mary up and about more--I transfer her instead of getting her to walk, but I feel like I should take it easy on her when she's got a UTI...
• Jo's taken over the washing and now the clothes are piling up!!!
• Mom's lonely and I feel like I don't give her enough attention
• I worry about my Gina's boys, that we'll lose touch, well, more than we have already
• there's a hole in one of the storm windows that needs to be fixed (ie, replace)--but that's quite low on the list
• I'm so lazy about cooking that Mary and I often don't eat enough veggies or fruit, even
• I spend way too much money at the grocery and eBay--it's like a disease--well, it wouldn't be much for many people, but I should always try to spend as little as possible
• I don't really interact with Mary enough
• I haven't played the piano in over a year
• I've got tons of stuff that needs to be mended--a whole trash bag full

I could probably go on, but it's almost 2 AM, and that's my personal limit--yes, I do have one.

Why can't I be a perfect person? It should be so easy in my situation.

Oh, before I forget--there was a little article about my/Gina's cookie recipe in the newspaper recently. There was a big picture--it was just a section for our area of town. It had Mary in the picture, too, and our names. She was so thrilled. She kept saying: I wonder what Mother will say. I wonder what they'll think at home.

She wants to go home all the time and it is driving me crazy. I think I've found at least that I can say, "Oh, but you're not going home today are you?" to which she answers no and then I'll just say, "Then let's not talk about it right now, ok?" That seems to work. Sometimes she starts to cry, though, and then it's hard work to calm her down. How in the world does she see reality? What are her thoughts like? Do they just bounce around inside her head, one not really connected with the other? Sometimes she'll come out with something quite clever or an astute observation. Her sense of humor is quite good and I always thought that was a sign of intelligence. She worries a lot about money. This annoys the hell out of me. She really has no worries there, but I do! What will I have to show for my life after she's gone? What will happen to me? But I can't think about it too much. Life happens to you while you're busy making other plans. And now I'm going to turn into a pumpkin!